Today I have gone 30 days without binging or purging. I know that keeping track of these kinds of things is not necessarily encouraged during recovery, so I apologize if I'm not supposed to talk about that in these forums. I mention it because this is a huge milestone for me. I have not gone that long without ED behaviors for as long as I can remember. I should be really happy. I should be feeling good about myself. Last week, I did. Now, i feel down, and depressed, and bloated and I am beating myself up for gaining weight. On the drive to work this morning I had a realization which will probably seem silly- but for the first time I realized that the negative thoughts I always have are the disorder, not just the behaviors. I always thought I was sad and depressed and full of self-hate because of the b/p cycle, and the disappointment of failing *again*, and everything would be ok if only I could stop, blah blah blah. But now, I realize that the thoughts are there even when the behavior isn't- because it's been 30 days- I have nothing to feel guilty about, I have no binge to "make up for", or no purge to recover from, and I am still hating myself-and that is the disorder.
I completely understand. I have been in "committed" recovery for about eight months to a year and even though the behaviors leave you- you realize the work is not done or maybe it won't ever be completely done. I find that whenever I start to feel negative or when I look in the mirror and don't recognize the progress I've made despite looking different that if I remind myself (sometimes literally out loud) to first BREATHE! - that I am a warrior in this battle and I will not let that part of my mind rule my life and dictate my actions because it's not reality- that the fact the I've come this far is bigger than the bloating, the depression, the general discomfort and lastly that life is too short and this life is a constant transition and nothing negative lasts forever. You have to keep your hope and your strength by your side at all times even when it feels like you wake up and trying to pull yourself together is like trudging through the mud. Remember that this is the next step to an entirely different you. The fact that you made this choice and took this step to get better is all that matters right now. If you continue to give your all to this as you would to anything that you truly wanted in life you WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel, everything that's worth something takes time and patience (that's the hardest part). Believe it will get better- retrain your mind- you can and will get better mentally and physically. It's a battle but I'm telling you that the strong you that took that first step is winning already- you got it. Sending love and positivity your way.
Congratulations on your recovery! 30 days is a huge milestone! Like Oleander91 said, you have to keep your hope and your strength by your side at all times. Recovery can be difficult, but it is possible and you can't let these negative thoughts keep you down! Continue working on your recovery and thinking positive! I encourage you to reach out to NEDA Helpline #1.800.931.2237 (Mon. - Thurs. 9am - 9pm/Fri. 9am = 5pm/EST). They are a wealth of information and can help you navigate the road to recovery! Remember, you're strong and you can do this!
Thanks for the replies- it's been a rough couple of days and it helps to hear that others have been where I am. I am thankful for this forum.