National Eating Disorders Association

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Reaching the intersection of BPD and a possible ED

This thread contains possibly triggering content. I'm sorry if it is, I just signed up and I'm not really sure who else to talk to about this, shy of my doctor.
Most of my life I've eaten terribly and been inactive. I've had periods of fixating but it's never been this intense.
This last month I've been more active which is great for my health. I hired a personal trainer who, at the very beginning of our sessions together, put me on a super healthy meal plan. The meal plan itself is not a problem, it's just super healthy, controlled eating. The problem is that I'm obsessing over this. Obsessing is something I'm not a stranger to - Borderline Personality Disorder has made sure of that - but obsessing over my weight is damaging in the way it's taking over.
At first I was waking up in the morning excited to jump on the scale but now that number is on my mind all day. As I go on it's getting harder and harder to ignore the thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. At first it was just a casual "Hey, if you eat a cheeseburger it's not a big deal...just throw it up" and I would ignore it, continue to eat healthy.
Yesterday is a good example of me spiraling. If you've ever quit smoking and failed (as I have) you'll probably understand this analogy - you quit smoking for a while, then your brain tells you to have one. You fight it at first but as the voice gets louder, your resolve weakens and you have one. Then you say "Screw it, I've already had one. What's one more going to hurt?" And before you know it you've smoked ten. Your mouth is dry, your head hurts, your stomach is churning and you're lost in this place of 'what do I do now?'
That was my day yesterday. I ate and ate and ate until I was beyond full. I went into a gas stop restroom with the idea of purging on my mind (we were travelling on the highway) but the washrooms weren't working so I got back in the car. I told myself "later". By the time we got home, all the road food was probably too digested to purge so I gritted my teeth through these waves of helplessness and self loathing. A few hours later came supper and the same thing happened. I ate WAY too much (a normal meal by any standards a month ago but I've been eating so lean and it was all the wrong kinds of food ie. comfort foods for me). I felt like I couldn't stop eating. I just kept shoveling it in. As soon as I finished eating I quietly excused myself and purged in the upstairs bathroom. I was hoping no one would notice but my fiancee came upstairs right after I was done. She asked me if I did it on purpose, I said no. She knew I was lying - I've been 'joking' (serious quote marks around that, it's not funny) about doing this for weeks. Our roommate came upstairs at that moment though and interrupted our talk.
I was off for the rest of the night. Exhausted and trying to make sense of what just happened - at the same time not seeing any other alternative. I ate myself into a hole, I told myself, so I got myself out.
When we went to bed, that's when we talked. I felt so guilty, like a failure, for eating the way I had. More than anything I felt guilty for putting this emotional weight on her, even though I told her I was more worried about purging, which isn't true. I broke down, because a large part of me is fighting even writing this right now to you guys, but a small voice in the back of my mind is telling me GET HELP NOW. She suggested I find someone to talk to, and told me she had gone through something similar a few years ago.
I know she's going to be there for me no matter what, but I also know that I can't rely on her to be my only form of support through this. I know no one on this site can diagnose me with an ED and that's okay. I just I'm just looking for some reassurance that I can get past this, because even right now while I write this line all I can think about is the flashing increase I woke up to on the scale this morning. I don't want a repeat of yesterday but I'm having a hard time seeing ways to avoid it.
I've always found talking to people helps when I'm struggling with something and I hope that I'm not upsetting people by what I'm sharing. I know it's not glamorous. I never thought I would be in this situation. But now that I am I really just need to know that there is a way out of this - a healthy way - and that I'm not alone.
- Lucas

RE: Reaching the intersection of BPD and a possible ED

Hi LAGagne! We are glad that you are finding support here on the NEDA forums. A portion of your post was edited due to the mention of a specific number that may be triggering to other forum members. Our community guidelines are always available to review here In the event you need further assistance please call the NEDA helpline at 1-800-931-2237 (M-Th 9-9 F 9-5 EST).
Again, thank you for posting, and we hope you will continue to do so!

So sorry about that! Thanks

So sorry about that! Thanks for editing it and welcoming me to the site. Take care.

Hi LAGagne!

I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the site and thank you for sharing your story! Like the above comment mentioned, the NEDA Helpline, available at 1-800-931-2237 M-Th 9-9 F 9-5 EST is a great resource if you ever need help! Trained volunteers can help you locate resources in your area or just be a listening ear if that is what you need!

Stay positive and keep us updated!

Hang in there LAGagne!

Hi LAGagne!

Welcome to the NEDA online forums for some support and a listening ear! We are so glad that you were able to reach out to us and I definitely agree with ashleyk! Have you tried reaching out to the NEDA Helpline phone number? I know that can be used as a great resource. Were you able to find any useful information? It is also great that you were honest and open about it with your fiance, even if it was hard to tell her at first. Sometimes just telling someone you are close to is the hardest part but also a very important step in the recovery process.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing and I wish you the best of luck!

Erin_Patricia1 <3