National Eating Disorders Association

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Twhite
Please just listen

I know that I just posted yesterday, but I need to get my words out. It seems that this is the only place that I have right now. I just need someone to hear me.
I have quit eating. I quit treatment and I have no idea where to go from here. One would say, just go back, just one more time. But it seems that it is not that easy anymore. I feel that I have hit the point of no return. I was going to call my treatment centers crisis line this morning, but I am not really in crisis. Maybe I just need to get over myself? Who knows.
About 2 months ago, after much back and forth between my treatment team and I, I started taking anti depressants. I think that I started to notice a difference. I think that is when I really started to get into recovery. It scared me in I don't even know how many ways. Every way possible. So I walked away from it all. And now I am left.....well....not really sure where I am.
I have been sober from drugs for almost 5 years, and alcohol for 2 years. I just celebrated my 2 years. Last night I almost threw it all away. Something that I have not thought about doing for quite some time. But last night I was so broken that it didn't matter to me anymore. Thank God I got off work to late and the bar was closed.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I can pick myself up this time. The shame that I feel is more then I can handle. I don't want to fight anymore. I cant face it anymore. I cant face them. I never thought I would give up on myself. I have given up on myself.

eghall
Hearing, listening and understanding

Twhite -
I know you just want to vent and have people just listen, so that is what I am going to do. I just wanted to write a simple note congratulating you on your 5yr and 2yr sobriety. I know circumstances kept you sober last night, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I was proud of your long sobriety. It's an amazing feat. That being said, I am listening and if you are ready for me and others to answer back, we are here.

Twhite
What is one even to say at

What is one even to say at this point?

eghall
A lot

Now it's your turn to listen - truly listen. Life is precious. Your life, while not precious to you, is precious to a lot of people. Some you may not even realize. I can tell you have the capacity to feel deeply. So I am assuming when you see someone suffering your heart hurts, especially if you love them. If you can't get well for yourself and for the life you have ahead of you, do it for them. An ED is a thief. It steals your freedom, your relationships, your health and your capacity to enjoy anything. I know you love your abusive ED. I once was madly in love with mine. When I went into recovery, I felt like you wrote before - they were trying to make me fat. But as I suffered through my meal plan and the tears and the hatred, I started to realize that not only did everything I feared not happen, but that I was actually experiencing true happiness. And so were the people around me. I didn't go into treatment because I wanted to. I went in because my husband couldn't take it anymore. I realize what I am saying seems mythical to you. But since you feel you can't trust anyone in your treatment team, maybe you can trust those of us who have suffered, been through treatment and recovered.

Twhite
I do not even know what to

I do not even know what to say. All I can do after reading that is cry.

eghall
You are special whether you know it or not

I hope you realize how special you are. There is only one of you and the world would never be the same without you.

Twhite
I definitely do not agree

I definitely do not agree with that.

Where do I go from here? I cant go back to treatment. I cant move forward. Ed is all I have.

eghall
Ed loves that reply

Ed is happy to hear you say that. Ed is abusive, and like most abusive people, he can't stand the fact that you would walk away. How would he control you and abuse you and beat you if you walked away? Ed loves that his abuse shows up on the outside, on the inside and in your head.

If your best friend was being constantly abused and being denied life necessities (food, water, air, money) from her boyfriend, would you be happy for her? Would you accept the fact that she stays in the relationship even though her life is at risk? Would you contribute to the abuse by telling her she is worthless and isn't special?

If you wouldn't do this to your best friend, why do you do it to yourself? I know you are scared, but feel that fear and then do it anyway.

Twhite
If my best friend were going

If my best friend were going through that it would be different. She wouldn't deserve it. I do. And it isn't about fear. It's the amount of paralyzingly shame that I am feeling.

eghall
Forgiveness

If it's your ED causing you to feel that way, you have nothing to be ashamed of.. You didn't choose to have an ED. Just like I didn't choose to have one. It's not our fault. It's also not you're fault that your hesitant to let go.

If your shame is about something else, maybe it's time to forgive yourself. You are human and humans aren't perfect. We make mistakes. Going through recovery allowed me to forgive myself for things I was punishing myself for.

eghall
NEDA Navigator

Hi Twhite -

I just wanted to suggest calling a NEDA Navigator. S/he may help you through these rough times. A navigator can help you with the overwhelming emotions that come with an ED. If you are interested, please click here:
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/neda-navigators

Twhite
Eghall,

Eghall,
Thank you for all your support. Your last message yesterday helped a lot. I am just feeling a lot of shame because I ever thought I would quit on myself and I feel liked have, I feel like I have completely walked away from my team and feeling a lot of shame n facing them. Feeling a lot of shame in the fact that this fight has been so hard. I received a phone call for my therapist this morning, reaching out to me, I am waiting for a call back. I think that helped me a little. I don't really know. I will check out that navigator thing. Thank you so much for everything.

eghall
You inspire me!

You make what I do worth every moment. Thank you for your words - it gives me hope for you. I know you feel shame. I doubt anyone with an ED doesn't feel that. I know I harbored a lot of it. And most people "quit" recovery at some point. You are definitely not alone. But it's just a bump in the complicated road to recovery. It's called relapse and its perfectly normal. I do not agree that you gave up on yourself. You came on here to talk about what you are going through. That alone is a win. Even baby steps like that show you are still in this fight. Let us know what happens with your therapist. You truly inspire me.

Twhite
I am very grateful that I

I am very grateful that I have such a persistant therapist and that I have found these forums. I am still feeling the same but the small flicker of hope is back today. It isn't big but I can see it there. My therapist has called me a few times today, I have yet to actually talk to her but we have had phone conservations through voicemail. It has been helpful. I am still not entirely sure where to go from here, I am still not entirely sure what got me here or even where I am. I have reached out to the nagivation. I have myself back on the schedule at treatment starting the last week of May. I have not scheduled an appointment for next week, I am still unsure if I want to return next week or not, I feel I have a lot to work out and face in myself before I can face them.

eghall
checking in

Hi Twhite -

I just wanted to check in with you and see how everything is going. I'm so happy that you appreciate the persistence of your therapist. S/he doesn't want you to give up on yourself, just like we don't want you to. I have to tell you how impressed I am about you getting yourself back on schedule at treatment! It's ok if you needed some time to think it over, the important thing is that you made that step. I know it's overwhelming to think about facing your future, but you have a bright one ahead of you that you don't even know about yet. Keep us updated on how you are doing. I've been thinking about you!

Twhite
Hey eghall,

Hey eghall,
things are going ok I guess. No energy what so ever. It has been incredibly hard to start eating again. Without saying too much, my eating is maybe one small meal a day. If it could even be considered that. I am trying really hard but it is as hard now as it was in the beginning 2 1/2 years ago. Received an email from my therapist saying that all the appointments that I scheduled for June need to be rescheduled and shouldn't have been scheduled in the first place, something about her calendar being locked. Still waiting to hear when I can see her. I did schedule with my dietitian next week, really afraid of that appointment, still not sure if I am going to go or not. I scheduled an appointment with my dr at treatment for tomorrow. I haven't seen her for a while but she has always been there for me and I just need some hope, so we will see what happens. Thank you for checking in. Really means a lot to me.

michael26
How are you?

Hi Twhite!

How are you? Were you able to see your doctor today? If so, how did it go?

I know that it feels scary to see your dietitian, but I know you have the strength to do it! You are deserving of the help too! Plus, she will be able to provide you with more concrete means to help you, perhaps ideas that you can use but just have not thought of yet.

Overall, I'm proud of you! I can tell that the real you is still in there and wanting recovery. Hold on to her, she will help get you out of this. Is there any way I can help?

Twhite
I'm ok. Saw my dr today. It

I'm ok. Saw my dr today. It went ok. She was really happy to see me since it has been since January that I saw her last. She was incredibly supportive and encouraging. Gave me a different perspective and a refreshed hope. We talked a little and she helped me to see that I have grown and that just because I have relapsed that I can get out of it and get out of the shame. I still left really confused and angry tho, so I cancelled all my appointments for the future before I left. One of the front desk girls stopped me on my way out and we talked for a while. She helped me the most because she wasn't a treatment professional perspective. She helped me to see that they aren't all about money or trying to convince people that they are sick and only want the best for people. She said therapists even get protective over their clients, which is what mine has done. I left with a lot of hope. This is the front desk lady that was there the firt day I walked into that place and she walked me into my first day of intensive treatment because I couldn't do it myself. I told her that I was just as scared going back as I was the firt day i came and she said that it is normal and understandable when a client relapses and that she would be willing to walk me to my next therapy appointment. After my conservation with her, I rescheduled my appointments and called my therapist and dititian and told them whee I was at and that I was facing a lot of fear, shame and disappointment and judgement and that I needed them to know where I was before I came in. Still super incredibly struggling. Self harm again. All I am doing is sleeping. Still physically incredibly hard to eat. Ended up purging today. I really hope I can get through this time. What you can do? I need hope, I need someone who understands, I need someone who gets it and will listen and who is just there.

eghall
Hey there! It's so good to

Hey there! It's so good to hear from you. You have made so many steps in your last few posts alone. Words can't express how proud I am of you. I am happy to see that the treatment professionals and their staff care so much for you. With every appointment you schedule, you are fighting your ED. If you are having a hard time finding hope for yourself, please know that you can find it here, because I have so much hope for you. What you may see as failure, I see as progress. However, I do remember quite well the struggle and hopelessness I felt when everyone around me told me they saw success. And I too used sleeping as a coping mechanism. I slept all the time. While there are better coping mechanisms, we do what we need to do to get through the tough spots.

I really care what happens to you and am so glad to hear from you on here!

Twhite
Didn't make it to my

Didn't make it to my dietitian appointment. I tried, half way there I panicked and went home. I don't know why this is so hard. How am I going to be able to get myself to therapy on Thursday?

missy33
Hey Twhte. I have a dietitian

Hey Twhte. I have a dietitian appointment today as well, and am really nervous for it. These past two weeks have been hard. But then there is part of me that knows how my I want to be able to not focus on food and just eat like everyone else in the world. I think the fact that you have set up appointments is a huge step in the right direction. I know it is hard, I don't want to go to my appointments this week either, but let's both try to overcome our fears to get the help we need, because we deserve it. As for you appointment Thursday I really believe that you will be able to make it to it. Maybe taking deep breathes and jotting down a list of all the reasons why therapy will be beneficial will help you and urge you to go, because you know you want to get better. You seem like a very strong person and one who wants to overcome their ED. Hope this helps a little bit. Keep believing in yourself. You are strong!