National Eating Disorders Association

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Please, help me! My girlfriend is suffering with Bulimia.

I am here today after seeking council through other posts and avenues. I have truly been inspired by all of you and hope I can receive your advice as I am desperate for help.

My name is Alastair, I am currently in a relationship with someone who is currently bulimic. I have chosen today to write to you all in the hope of finding new information and inspiration as she needs this more than ever.

I met a girl around 8 months ago who was the most enticing and contagious person I have ever met in my life.
I have never been addicted to someone's love and how they perceive and make me feel before. We met through our workplace and before we even started dating were met with people who questioned us and this created a lot of disbelief but through standing by her we started a life together. (This is where the mistrust began)

Even though she has heard me and listened to the truth she still has trouble believing what is reality and how she feels, I never understood why at the time as I was oblivious. I went to see her at her house one night and ran over her water main which ended up having her evicted, I do not believe this was the reason of her eviction but do believe it was the last straw and she became upset.

I made every amendment and provided her with a house and a home. My parents begun invading our privacy and bringing up petty arguments which made her feel uncomfortable, this was because they could see how she had been treated me at the time but I refused to acknowledge it and eventually had to be kicked out and couched surfed with her while we looked for a new house.

While this was going on I could see how destructive it was making her, she would ask me to sit outside while she went to the bathroom but I figured it was out of embarrassment. I took her on holiday and when we came back it didn't get better it became worse.

I finally found a beautiful home and we moved in not to long ago before she kicked me out and left me on the street.

This is a very quick background for you all as it has not been a perfect start (to say the least).

Last week she confessed her bulimia to me, I had my suspicions but never forced her to act upon it because I knew how delicate and how exposed she would feel being pushed into a situation she would not be ready for.

She purges her body 5 times a day, she wakes up each morning and weighs herself and she criticizes herself with utmost displeasure and ridicule. I try and make her feel beautiful and sacrificed so much to help her along the way, but it never made a difference.

When I met her she told me I saved her, that she was a hollow and very depressed person before she had met me. I believe now why I was meant to be with her and how I am meant to save her.

Because even though I only knew of her bulimia a week ago, she has had it for 3 years. It was a problem before I met her, and it is still now after being with her. I fell in love with her completely and this includes her bulimia.

Throughout these times she has been depressed, sad, confused, angry and involuntarily selfish.

Each time we argued it stemmed from her, she tells me how pathetic, how petty and how awful I am. I could never understand at the time because I am very literal and logical (it never made sense to me as I didn't know). Whenever it came up I chose to announce to her how it hurt me and provoke her into justifying why she said such awful and demeaning things.

She would tell me how she couldn't control these impulses and how she fights with herself internally; she knows what to say but she wants to make it worse because she wants me to feel how she is.

She has been doing this for the last 3 years. She blames her father in her childhood for forcing to eat large portions at the table, after speaking to her family this is not entirely true. She has been bullied extensively, used and lied to through a very traumatic and very difficult time in her upbringing. Her bulimia is buried so deep and she is convinced I don't understand but I do.

I was suicidal and went through anxiety and depression. I learned my life lesson the hard way and I refuse to give up on her. She blames everyone in her life for not understanding and twists things in a way that validates her behavior. This is where I am trying to distinguish myself and stand apart as I have never gave up on her, ever.

At the moment her periods are irregular, she is missing essential nutrients, I believe that her pins and needles are associated with her low blood pressure. She is so lost and confused, so angry and isolated. Her reaction to my love and my affection is met with disgust and neglect. She truly resents herself and punishes herself because of the guilt she feels about her family. Her family has attempted to intervene and help her. Every time it was met with an explosion of anger and fury. (this has apparently happened a few times)

The last couple of days have been the worst.

I was upset with her because she told me one thing and did another. I came back to her on my work break to apoligise because I don't think love means you have to be sorry. I explained to her I just wanted to know and understand but she counter acted with how I am suffocating and stopping her from having friends. This is so far from the truth.

When I came back from my break she was eating, she ate the receipt in front of me and started to be passive aggresive. I met her actions with logic and she continually pushed until I left. I was so upset.

I came back after work to find her drunk, she suppresses her feelings with stimulants (she uses these to suppress her appetite to stop her from binging and feeling guilty) and alcohol (to distance herself from herself and her emotions).

I sat with her and explained it to her logically that I was sorry, it was met with worse words and it ended up coming to her biting across the face and eventually throwing me out on the street.

At this moment I am currently barred on her phone and she refuses to talk with me.
She has done this many times in her life, she lets people in, feels guilty for not living up to their standards (which is her mind) and pushing them away.

She tells me she hates me and tells me I am using her illness against her because she let me in. She says I'm evil but I have only ever been understanding and patient. This part of herself that she is suppressing is coming out and once everyone she loves and cares about is pushed away she will take it out on herself next. This is why I need you!

I went there today and brought my bulimic friend who had been admitted to hospital after having 3 seizures and eventually a coma. Instead she blew up at the sight of me saying how I am telling everyone her secret and exposing her, that she will have to move and run away. She has done this every other time.

She told me how much she hated me, how I was to blame for everything. How she is seeing other men and how I am crazy and wrong. I told her to her face that I am not angry, while she was hitting me I told her it was okay to feel this way, that I have only ever been here for her and want to see her reach her true potential. I told her she doesn't have to do this on her own. That her family does love her and can't be whole without her. Despite her reactions where she poured her hot coffee over my body and continually punched and abused me (both emotionally, mentally and physically) you could see the pain in her eyes. Some of it got through but she truly needs to be saved.

After I left the premises she exchanged numbers with my bulimic friend and I left. I received more horrible messages about myself and a few phone calls about how disgusting I am.

Please, help me I beg you all.

I have been speaking to her family and we are in the progress of trying to reconcile, she needs to be accepted and her their love and I know this needs to happen before she accepts treatment. What can I do? At this moment after it all I believe she needs to digest the information, but she seems to be acting out and abusing herself through other means.

Her family loves her, despite everything I have witnessed and experienced I am truly dedicated and in love with this woman.

It's a long and hard road but she needs to accept the reality of her illness before her body gives in.

Please I am so lost and so broken. I am so upset and so depressed. I have been there throughout the whole ride, done nothing but provide and love her unconditionally.

She is the most stunning woman I have ever met. I have only ever seen her true self in glimpses but when she shines it truly leaves me in awe.

She holds a lot of her past

She holds a lot of her past with her, and she can't let it go, there is so much more to this that I have left out. I'm hoping through the obvious and the details that I can find the solution she needs. I just don't know where to go from here.

I hope and pray she is going to contact my bulimic friend, she (my bulimic friend) has confirmed with me she well try and speak with her. Is time the answer? Am I making it worse? I'm so afraid, I'm so sad. The worst pain I have ever felt despite my own personal issues is loving someone so much and not making a difference. I watched her digress and it still is unbelievable and hard to think about. I just need help.

Please, help me! My girlfriend is suffering with Bulimia.

Dear Herceles,

Thank you for sharing your own personal challenges, as well as your concern for your girlfriends battle with bulimia. I'm sorry to hear the pain you both have been induring. Having said that, I would suggest you reach out to the NEDA Helpline #1.800.931.2237 Mon. - Thurs. 9am-9pm/Fri. 9am-5pm/EST. They can provide you with guidance and resources, as well as resources for your girl/friend.

There are also NEDA Navigators that live near her and can e-mail, talk on the phone or in person. NEDA Navigators have recovered from an eating disorder (ED) and are a valuable recovery buddy. They can relate to the struggles of an ED better than anyone. This would be a great resource for her and I hope she's open to this. She deserves a life free of bulimia and there's HOPE for living a life free of an ED. I'm also posting below a link regarding Stories of Hope that are very inspiring!

I hope this helps you and your girl/friend.

HEALing Hugs,
Legacy of Love