National Eating Disorders Association

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weewilly91
Please Help Me..

So here goes...

I've never talked about my bulimia before. My mother knows I am, but we don't speak about it because I get defensive and angry and freak out.

So I've always had bulimic tendencies, every since I was in school- I love food so much that I'd eat without limit and feel the urge to get it out of me afterwards, even though I remained at a normal weight.

After tinkering with hormones in the form of birth control (absolutely hate it) it changed my entire metabolism and I gained some weight, which I've been fighting to get off me for the last year- hence starting a vicious cycle of binging and purging- and then drinking to try and mask my misery. I'd wake up on the bathroom floor after a night of drinking to find that i'm covered in vomit and I had literally eaten everything in the house. At this time I was living in NYC alone and it spiraled completely out of control. I was constantly in a state of post-binge/purge and hating my own skin.

I got a grip for a while, I began eating well and by structuring my meals and having complete control over my food and mealtimes I managed to get my weight significantly down. (I'm moving to Australia for a year in a week and worked really hard to lose the weight)

And as I near my goal weight, my binging and purging routine has returned. I've had a difficult month with it- 2 good weeks, and then an out of control day. I know I should be more concerned about my psych and health right now, but all I can think about is how scared I am that I put some weight back on my crazed binges/purges... Do you think I did, if I had a few bad days of eating?

I'm so scared that I'm going to move to a new country with this ED hanging over me... I'm moving to work with a theatre co and cant focus on my art at all- just my weight. I hate it and myself! I feel possessed.

haleyan31
Weewilly91,

I'm am so sorry that you have been going through this vicious cycle. Not only does it break you down physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. To put it simply, it sucks. Eventually, your life revolves around binging and purging. When can I do it next? What food will I binge on? That isn't something a person should constantly be thinking about. With your upcoming move, having these thoughts should be the last of your worry. I want you to go to this new place and truly enjoy yourself.

Have you ever talked to a therapist? I know you're moving in a week but there will most definitely be therapists in Australia to help with your situation. Another option is to get involved with a support group. Not only will you be able to open up and be around people like you, but it will also give you an opportunity to meet new people.

The ED voice is telling you all of these thoughts about binging, purging, making meal plans, and losing weight. You can beat that ED voice! It is possible. I hope that you can eventually look into the mirror and love what you see. Here is an article about how to love your body. Like so many things, it is much easier said than done but recovery is a slow (and possible) process: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/20-ways-love-your-body.

Also, reading books helped me overcome the eating disorder. To read personal stories about people who are living an ED free life, it gives you hope. Some of the books I like are:

"Life WIthout Ed" By: Jenni Schaefer
"Intuitive Eating" By: Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
"Unbearable Lightness" By: Portia de Rossi
"In the Water They Can't See You Cry" By: Amanda Beard

I hope that you look into one of these books, or any books about ED, and take them to heart. I am proof that they can be of serious help during recovery.

I wish you all the best of luck with your move to Australia. Don't let this ED hold you back from enjoying this new chapter in your life. You deserve to be happy!

Stay Strong!

Haley