National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
Parents and therapists

Hi guys,

As a lot of you know I have been having physical issues which are complicating my eating issues. I posed a question earlier about why do people become so concerned about when on gains a lot of weight and only become concerned when that one loses. My therapist said because the weight gain still fell within a normal acceptable weight for my height. I tried to get her to understand the psychological aspects of what happens when one gains so rapidly and she still said it falls within the "normal" range. I said but when that amount of weight brings on behaviors and depression why don't people seem to think it is as dangerous. And we walked around that for a while until I said we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

She is trying to have me become unenmeshed with my parents. M mom tries to tell me what to do. Go to this doctor or that doctor. Meanwhile I just went to that doctor the other day, got blood work done and have an appointment at the end of the week. She wants me to call this other doctor who I know won't have anything else to say since my last visit earlier in the month. Then my mom says she doesn't want me working Thursday and Friday. I said I am going to work. They forbid me to drive today. My father throws his hands up in frustration. They want me to tell them what I've been eating. I told them I don't want to get into that. Mom says it isn't for eating disorder purposes as she doesn't see this as an eating disorder thing. She just wants to know what I am eating. I used the skills my therapist is teaching me and said I do not want to discuss this, they got angry, and that I wasn't telling my therapist everything and am making her believe things up about them that aren't true.
No matter what it is. My therapist doesn't understand that when I got my blood work results I am not able to tell my mom you can't see them. Too many years of her knowing everything about me, she even goes to my doctors appointments so I don't forget to tell them something and to remember what they tell me. When she told me not to go to work tomorrow or Friday I said I am going to work. As long as I am quiet and do as they say all is good. If I don't agree and don't do as "suggested" there is stress. I don't know how to get away from making them upset when I go against their wishes. Frustrated and tired.

Ireen
Hey there, I had the very

Hey there, I had the very same situation with my parents. They wanted to know anything about me and insisted on giving me their unrequited opinion on anything I did, which was usually "you're doing it wrong". I used to reply: "If you want to know about my life, start accepting it's not what you dream for. Then we can talk" or something along those lines. It led to a lot of fighting for a while, but they're doing it less and less these days. The sad thing is that now they turned that behaviour against each other. I think they don't even realise they're doing it, but it's mostly like watching two children fighting over a toy. So, so sad...

iwanttolive
Ireen

Hi Ireen,

Thank you for the response. I am sorry you have a difficult relationship with your parents. My problem is is that I usually get along quite well with mine until they don't like the way I look. Then I get bombarded with questions and am told what to do and asked a million questions and told what to do. You need to go see this doctor, or that doctor. Part of it is my fault because I am seriously enmeshed with them. I tell them everything. My mom goes with me when I go to the doctors. My therapist is trying to help me stop having her come. Last night my mom was telling me not to go to work today or tomorrow. I said I hear what you are saying but I am going to go to work. My dad got angry threw his hands up in the air and walked out of the room. I called my therapist who was kind enough to call me back and said I am going to have to be the one who changes, they aren't going to. My dad thinks I am losing my mind and falling apart because of my weight but I am not near being underweight. My dietician and doctor say so, but he is looking through his anorexic lenses. He says I can't see myself as I am. But he isn't seeing reality either. So I have a lot of difficult work to do by slowly pulling away from my dependency on my parents. I love them so much. I don't think I could live without them. We are very close. Until I don't do what they "suggest".

Thank you for reading this. iwanttolive

Ireen
You can well say I don't have

You can well say I don't have a relationship with them. It took me ages to understand how disfunctional my family was, it could have spared me a lot of suffering in the past if anyone told me instead of waiting for me to understand it on my own. Growing up I always felt I was the problem!

They still try to tell me what I should do! My mum even tries to have me return my clothes if she doesn't like them! Not that she can't be nice, but as you said... they're sweet and kind so long as you do what they "suggest". If yours are anything like mines, please, listen to whoever told you they won't change. Because I, too, learned the hard way, that the only way to have a sane relationship with them is if I'm the one to build it... which I'm not sure it's something I want at this point.

By the way, I think being underweight is something objective. I'm underweight, the fact it doesn't horrify me or make me want to change anything doesn't make me any less underweight. :-S