National Eating Disorders Association

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hermione3
not doing well...

My therapist said she was really close to just driving me to a hospital tonight. she says i look like crap and if my psychiatrist noticed and her that says others probably do to. she didn't know if she trusted me to even drive home with my driving history and behaviors. she said i am so close to being hosptialized i really better get it together i have a choice. and i basically have no room anymore i am out.

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I am sorry that your health is in such danger. Why didn't your therapist take you to the hospital or insist on it? Why is she waiting. I do not want to tell you this but you probably already know, you can die from your eating disorder. The eating disorder will not give up until you get help. And until you get strong enough to be able to say no to what the eating disorder voice is screaming at you to do. Your life is precious. You have had a lot of pain and suffering. Maybe it is time to surrender. Not to the eating disorder but to the eating disorders grip on you. Often, hospitalization is a way to give you a break. A safe place to get nurturing and nourished. It sounds like you are walking on a very high tight rope. If you were to think in your rational mind, where you know deep down what you need to do, rather than the emotional mind that is screaming at you that you don't need help, what would the rational mind tell you to do?

I don't understand why your therapist is letting your mental and physical health deteriorate for so long. Please know we I care, and hope you make the choice to fight for your life. There is life after recovery. There is freedom. I pray for you that you might be able to surrender this resistance and get the help you need. I am now living in a state of surrender and it is so helpful. I have more peace and find life a little easier. I will pray for you right now. You are loved. Please, take care of yourself. You may not care now but when you start feeling better, you will care. So. I guess I will go. Please let us know what you are going to do.
With love, and care, iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support. My

Thanks for the support. My therapist is amazing and if I go inpatient and come out my therapist will not see me anymore and I don't want a new therapist I love mine and am scared to lose her... my psychiatrist gave me a name for a medical doctor as mine dismissed my eating disorder or seems to. So I have an appointment with a new doctor and am nervous I am sure I am fine I just look like crap according to my psychiatrist and therapist... like I am breaking out and look tired like I do when restricting...she believes I can turn it around I don't know why I don't ...

kayleigh91
Therapist

hermoine3,
Why won't your therapist see you if you go inpatient? I am confused.

hermione3
my therapist said if it

my therapist said if it happens and i go inpatient she is no longer seeing me when i come out she has her reasons i am trying to say its not because she doesn't care because we are close its complicated but basically she is done its hard not to take personally but she has reasons like i want to stay sick and she doesn't work with people who want to stay sick....i know this and she also feels then i will need a new set of eyes maybe what we are doing is not working which makes me sad...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm sorry you are in such a place of struggle & pain. I agree with iwanttolive in that it may take surrendering to receiving help. That involves a lot of fear and uncertainty particularly around what would happen when you get out. But right now I encourage you to think about what is the most important & that is nourishing yourself and essentially saving your life. I also want you to know that this is not a matter of you just deciding to get it together- having an ED is not your fault, you did not choose it- but it is severe as you know & involves much more than trying to "get over it" I will be praying for you and that you would be receptive to what's best for you at this time <3 Keep us posted.

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I am sorry that your therapist will not be treating you, but she may be right. New perspective, new eyes, new ideas. Sometimes the therapeutic relationship takes on a life of its own and change is necessary. She said she is not sure if you want to get better. What do you think of that? I know that for many years I was afraid to get better. I wanted to but was terrified to. The eating disorder was my identity. It kept me safe, so I thought. What it was really doing was killing me and destroying my life. It takes a lot for a therapist to let go of one of their clients. Especially one whos bond is deep. But it tells me that she really cares a lot for you and is telling you someone else needs to step in. That she is no longer able to help you. That takes guts for a therapist to admit that. She knows recovery is possible. She wants it so badly for you that she is willing to let you go. That almost happened with me. I know how difficult it is to lose someone who is so kind and giving and caring. But she is all of these things by letting you go to another therapist who has different ideas and a fresh start. But deep down, you need to do whatever it takes to let go of the eating disorder. At some point, the will has to kick in and tell the eating disorder no more and you are serious about getting better, no matter the cost. Are you ready to give up the eating disorder? I do not doubt you when you say you are fighting. Can you ask yourself what will you gain by letting go of the eating disorder, not weight, but life. What will you lose, again, not weight, but life, living. If you hold onto the eating disorder. As it was mentioned, you did not choose to have the eating disorder. It serves a purpose. Do you know the purpose it is serving? Are you ready to come to terms with that?

I do not mean to be harsh or sound abrasive or uncaring. Quite the opposite. I care deeply. That is why I am asking these difficult questions. I would just ask that you take time to think about some of these questions and be completely honest with yourself. Freedom comes with surrender. I am learning this. Everyday I am learning how to live a surrendered life, to God, to my self, to my family, relationships with friends. It isn't easy but it brings freedom.

I wish you the best and pray you get the care you need and if you need hospitalization, take the opportunity and make the best of it. Trust in God. He loves you and wants to be there for you. I don't want to overwhelm you anymore than I already have so I will go. I hope this did not upset you, like I said, I am doing this out of care and love, and from someone who has been in your shoes. There is life after an eating disorder. There is a book by that name from someone who is recovered. Take care and God bless.

iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks both of you for the

Thanks both of you for the support. If I go inpatient I lose my therapist I am so close to her and love her I don't want to lose her... I get your points she cares if she is letting me go it still hurts if that happens. She still believes I can turn it around I basically have to turn it around now I have no time left. I am scared to get better it has been 23 years I don't know much else besides my eating disorder. I will also lose where I live probably my job it just is hard to think this way I am trying to turn it around but failed the past 2 days since I saw my therapist... I see her again tomorrow hopefully doing better so she doesn't drop me or send me to treatment .. I know I have to do better it's just so hard...

lovetowrite81
Hermione

Hi Hermione-
Just wanted to check in and see how your weekend went? I totally understand how you feel. ED does become so enraveled with our identity, it's hard to know what life would be like without it. But there is freedom and hope for lasting recovery <3 How was your visit with your therapist yesterday? I'm sorry you are struggling. What is one small goal you can set for yourself this week in regards to following your meal plan, etc? We're here for you!

hermione3
Thanks for the support. My

Thanks for the support. My therapist had me write on an ensure bottle all the reasons i need to drink it like losing her, losing my job etc. i filled up the bottle with the messages and i just need to read it to remind myself of what i need to do. I am just going to try to follow my meal plan this week and i started purging again so not to purge when i am uncomfortable.i haven't told my team about the purging so maybe be honest about that with my team i haven't seen my nutritionist because i am busy the next two Saturdays and i was busy this Saturday but i need to stop. my therapy session was good and she said i am just blah when i am this deep in and it is sad because i am far from who i am even though i dont' know who that is but i am just not even a person just a shell. i ate better today and yet i am exhausted but i think that is the body just recovering from what i have done to it over the years and the past few months of hard core behaviors.i have to go a second at a time not even a day or a minute and i just have to eat mechanically and follow my meal plan and accept the gaining of weight that i need to do. i know i don't look good like pale and gray and dark circles under my eyes i don't know if i am too thin my team says i am but id on't see it. it will also probably good to see that medical doctor who is more of a specialist in eating disorders and its completely covered by insurance which is a relief. i probably should be checked out. i am sure everything is fine but you never know with years of abusing my body...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I just finished reading your post. I am glad you are sharing and not isolating here on the forum. One thing about eating disorders is they lie to us. One thing I hear you say over and over is that on the one hand you know you are ill, and then on the other, the fear and denial kick in and you say I am sure I am fine. That right there is a lie, and the eating disorder is trying to convince you otherwise. You need help. And it is imperative no matter how scary it is, to be really gut honest with your team, otherwise it will bother you, and break trust. I know. NOT EASY. But I have found being honest is the only way to be able to break free from the eating disorder. Not just with your team but with yourself. Do you talk back to your eating disorder? Tell it to shut up? Tell it you won't listen to the lies it is telling you? If you haven't, could you experiment and just try for a day to talk back to the voice of the eating disorder? I wonder what would happen for you.

I know how difficult it is. I have been there. I have been afraid of getting better, gaining weight, hospitalizations. But....it is possible. I know because I am living it. Don't give up and give in to the voice of the eating disorder. Fight, Fight Fight. Not easy, I know but so necessary. And to have support while fighting. It is really difficult to do it alone. I know it is scary. I know you feel who am I without the eating disorder? I know because I was there. Do you believe in Jesus? Have you asked Him for help? Without Him I would not be alive. I am afraid that if you don't get help, of what might happen. Please, get the help that you need. I pray for you courage to do what you need to do and that you would know what you need to do. Your life depends on it.

I am not trying to scare you. But your body can only take so much. Let your body heal. I pray peace over you and comfort. And that your eyes will be open to the lies the eating disorder is telling you. I say all this because I care for you and want you to beat this thing.

With love, iwanttolive

hermione3
thank you so much for the

thank you so much for the support. it is lies i know that and my therapist also told me to use self talk something to work on she said even say it out loud if i need to just say i am worth it and i did not do anything wrong people hurt me i don't deserve to destroy my body. things like that. i have been in hospitals at least 20 times it doesn't usually help. I am seeing a medical doctor soon so that should be good to get physically checked out i am so exhausted and weak and not doing 100% at work which i hate i try so hard but am not doing my best. i am not religious broken catholic here...i know my body can only take so much and it has been 23 years my psychiatrist said she does not believe what i am doing will end well like i will pass out and have no choices my therapist said the same...i have to try harder and be honest with myself and my team. its a hard battle and i have to beat thsi thing i know that it is slowly killing me but i don't always care....

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I am so sorry your struggle has been so difficult. I also understand not caring but that is because of the life long struggle and depression. I also felt that way. Once you are feeling physically better and nourish your body, that may change. If you ar3 unable to care I will care for you. Sometimes we need others to do that for us.

What happened, if I may ask, caused you to stay from God. You do not need to respond if you don't want to. Take it easy and know you are cared about.

hermione3
Thank you for caring when I

Thank you for caring when I don't I blame god for a lot and I prayed and prayed when you get and didn't get out of my situations. I just gave up a long time ago. And I felt I wasn't a good girl and lie I sinned and felt shameful. Messages from my church did not help. I wish I could just stop doing what I am doing behavior wise.

hermione3
I hope i didn't say something

I hope i didn't say something wrong...just struggling my therapist said she thought i looked better yesterday which is good but to me i heard fat even though i weigh myself and know that didn't change...she meant less grey and brighter and not so low but i am not being honest with her or myself...

London1621
Hugs

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this right now. I hope you will be ok soon. Sending you lots of Hugs to help.

hermione3
Thanks for the hugs I hope it

Thanks for the hugs I hope it gets ok soon too...I am going on 2 weekends in a row and nervous about the food and I never do my supplements on vacation but I hope it's an ok time both weekends one of my friends this weekend knows about my eating disorder the other doesn't ...so it might be weird but I will follow their lead on eating. My friend this weekend never eats breakfast I have traveled with her before so that might be difficult but I have to do my best or inpatient...and I see that medical doctor next Tuesday and I am somewhat scared...

lovetowrite81
Hi Hermione3-

Hi Hermione3-
Of course not, everything you have to say is valid & is never wrong :) I can definitely understand your discouragement with God due to all you have been through. It's hard when we continue to ask ourselves 'why is this happening to me?' I just want to encourage you that in all the struggle, doubt, places we feel like we are failing and falling short, God loves you more than you could imagine. And though it may be hard to see sometimes, He is working all things out for our good. You are valued, cherished, seen, made flawlessly for a purpose. Just want you to know that <3
I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend trips and just getting away for a while. Where will you be traveling? Definitely keep us posted on how you are doing and how it goes with the doctor. Keep us posted.

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi there, I agree with lovetowrite81. None of us measure up to God's standards and He knows this, that is why He sent Jesus to us for us. He took all our sin upon Himself at the cross. He died in out place so that we can live for Him forever when we die. We have to accept His gift of salvation. I know, bad things happen to us, most of us. Then with me, I held it against the people. I sinned. I still do. At my worst, I would have Christian music on while I was self harming. How I hated myself for that and how I felt I was betraying God in monumental ways. But I asked Him to forgive me and He did. And you are also right. Some churches harm us as well. If you were to, when you are ready, find a church that is based on the Bible, one that believes Jesus is God and that all the Bible is true, that would be a good church to attend. I have been hurt by two pastors in particular. I am not preaching I hope you don't think that. I do know that without Jesus, I would not be alive. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will comfort you. You can talk to Him 24/8.

I say this to encourage you that none of us make the mark. That is why Jesus came as I just said. He reached down from heaven to save us. He did all the work. We just have to believe and follow Him.

Does this help at all. I am not forcing or pushing an agenda on you. Just telling you as did lovetowrite81 did, how much God loves YOU.

With love and care, iwanttolive
Please use the forum to reach out over the weekend if you need to.

hermione3
thanks for the advice and

thanks for the advice and support i don't know that i can find god like that and i don't plan on going back to church i am not a fan of organized religion anymore...i am going to Newport, RI this weekend with a friend and then Ithaca,NY for a Harry Potter festival so that should be fun then come back to a doctors appoinment i feel i have to keep myself sick and keep my weight low to see the doctor also my therapist cancelled tonight so very upset about that because i am missing a lot of sessions due to my trips...

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi. I completely understand about your decision not to be a part of organized religion. I in no way want to cause you to feel pressured. It sounds like your weekend is going to be fun. I respect your decision about God. I never want to pressure anyone to think and believe as I do, I just want to mention faith and leave it up to others to decide for themselves. I really hope you have a fun weekend. iwanttolive

hermione3
thanks i hope its a fun

thanks i hope its a fun weekend i am worried about the food and gaining weight i feel i ate so much today and it was all garbage nothing healthy but so many calories i don't think it was a binge just more than i planned so I don’t feel too good about myself even though i weighed myself and there is no difference in weight because i purged the first part of the eating i hate eating disorders....i wish i didn't fall so far down the rabbit hole...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I hope you have a wonderful weekend on your trip & are able to have some reprieve from it all by getting away! I can totally understand your anxiety around food while on the trip. Is this weekend with the friend who knows about your ED? I encourage you to be open with them about how you are feeling, thoughts, urges to act on behaviors- it's always so helpful to have that additional support. I will be thinking of you this weekend <3

hermione3
Thanks for the support my

Thanks for the support my friend knows about my eating disorder but made some comments like I wish I had that problem for even a few days I was like no it is miserable and she knows that It is so I don't get it at all... I talked with my therapist about inpatient Thursday night because she says I am on the cusp of going so make a list why I hate it so I did and a list that I would lose. I have been eating well on vacation even did one of my supplements I felt horrible yesterday because I was coming off a day of not really eating so felt it and didn't sleep the night before. My therapist said pretend she is there in spirit when I eat if that helps like think of her so I plan on doing that. She said she doesn't want to have to lose me either.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione-
That is really upsetting that your friend made that comment. ED is truly nothing to wish on anyone. I'm so proud of you for eating what you need to during vacation. I think that's a great idea to make a list of why you want to recover and what ED is stealing away from you. What would be some of the things on those lists? Hope the rest of your weekend is going well!

hermione3
thanks for the support it was

thanks for the support it was an upsetting comment but i still ate and it was a nice weekend besides that we had a nice time. i also wore a bathing suit big deal there i wear board shorts and a tankini but i need to cover scars and such. on my list i have not being 100% at work because i really havent' been for a while i am just not in it i am so weak and tired all the time and i could lose my job, losing my therapist and that is like number one, not living on my own anymore which would be a horrible loss, my family being upset, energy to see friends its longer but those are some .and reasons i don't like inpatient which i had a lot of but mostly my freedom oh and losing my cat she is a huge comfort.

iwanttolive
hermione3

Hi, I too am amazed at what people say. Your friend obviously has NO idea of what she is talking about. I have heard people say that too and it's just something people don't understand. As when a lady at church told me that I was getting fat. I was like what???????!!!!!!! So I replied, NO. I am not fat, yes I gained weight but I am not fat and you should never say that to anyone, it isn't nice.

So back to you. I am glad you were able to eat. Having the threat of hospitalization looming over your head has got to be causing anxiety. And the loss you may experience. But having a chance to jumpstart your recovery, it might be a good thing. I hear how badly you don't want to go in, but you are struggling so much it might bring some relief. A safe place. I hated my hospitalizations. Especially the six month and year long ones. So difficult. I will pray for you that you are able to make a decision that is what is best for you. In DBT there is a thing called a wise mind and an emotional mind. Often we operate with the emotional mind. But sometimes we need to pause and use wise mind that takes the emotions out and has us think about what is best. So I hope you find out what is best for you and know that the hospitalization won't last forever and can benefit you greatly. So again, I will pray you make the best decision for you and your health, both emotional and physical. You sound like you are pretty weak right now. Getting some nutrition into you will really help you feel better.

If anything I said was upsetting, I apologize. I just want what will be best in the long run for you.

iwanttolive

hermione3
Thanks for the support I know

Thanks for the support I know I am struggling but have already been eating since I got back but weighed myself today big mistake it was so much heavier after vacation like an impossible amount like what you would gain in maybe a few weeks I swear. I am trying to keep on point I have been hospitalized so many times for a long time pretty much each time... I am anxious so I am trying I don't see my nutritionist until next week if I keep gaining like this I will lose it though it could be water weight...I am seeing a medical doctor who specializes in eating disorders next week I am exhausted and can never get warm it's awful I don't even see my therapist tomorrow just a phone session because I have book club and would not have the time to drive and get back in time then I go away with another friend who doesn't know about my eating disorder at all so it will be weird but I am sure I will eat ok it's like 4 days and no scale which might actually be a good thing...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione-
How is your day going? I'm sorry you are unable to see your therapist today. That's cool you're involved in a book club! What is the current book ya'll are reading? I'm glad you will be going to see an ED specialist next week. I think it will be a good thing to get away for a while, try to keep on track with eating the best you can and be without the scale! As you've seen, the scale can mess with our mind so much. Thinking of you as always.

hermione3
Thanks for the support I had

Thanks for the support I had a phone session with my therapist it went well she can tell I am trying by how I sound and I am not just giving up she knows it is still hard and I don't feel better it is work and she doesn't want to invalidate my feelings by saying I sound better she knows I am still struggling but I have to have more trying days then give up days and that's what we strive for she really believes I just want to feel better and I know my eating disorder so I do that to feel better

hermione3
Thanks for the support. i did

Thanks for the support. i did a phone session with my therapist and she said i sound like i am trying she can tell when i am trying she knows i am not better and not feeling better she doesn't want to invalidate me but she thinks i sound different when i am giving up and she said that is ok too but then i need a higher level of care if i let it get to far and i am already on edge. i told her this weekend i ate what i wanted not what my eating disorder wanted and she was like that is a huge goal for you and a huge thing for me and that mentality will keep me outpatient where we can chip away at emotional stuff. yea ED specialist next week i am somewhat nervous i haven't even told my parents...