National Eating Disorders Association

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Rangersgirl14
No Hope

Iv been out of the hospital for alittle over two years know. Im on the high school varsity dance/pom team as a freshman. Iv started loosing weight again. My mom left me for two weeks on a work trip back in October is when it started back up again. Im really addited to pintrest and kept seeing all these motavtion to be healthy and strong. And thats how I wanted to be. I started counting calories again when she left. I was staying at a friends house. I googled the amount of calories I was supposed to eat and stuck with that. Over time I kept lowering and lowering it again. Im not aloud to have friends over or go over to friends house. My mom gets up at 4-5am and I don't see her some nights till 12 at night. Shes probably the hardest working person you will ever meet. I don't know how she does it. My dad lives in another state so I don't see him very often. With that said all of my meals are completely on my own except on sundays. There is no point of me cooking. Most meals have 3-4 servings so I have so much left over food. So iv been just making microwave food. Im not aloud to go to friends house or them come over, which isent a big deal because I don't have any friends. I hate school. I go to a really getto school. I sat in the bathroom stall for the longest time at school during lunch. I feel very lonely and worthless. So thats when I said hi to ED again. Hes always there for me and talked to me. I started over exerizing again. When I started that I relized how much I missed it and how great it makes me feel. I have so much free time my world became eating disorder thoughts. I wanted to be different at school. Pretty and skinny so mabie people would notice me. This Christmas has been hard on me because its messed up my eating scedrual you could say. Eating so much on the holidays and being around so many people were I cant exerzie. And im around my parents where they will always think I have an eating disorder so they make me eat a lot. Staying with my nana and papa oh my. I wish I new how to purge. I still haven't started my period which Im extremely happy about. My mom and sister have it terribly bad and there just so moody and angrey all the time. I don't want one at all. Mabie when I get 16 ill be ready but I hate even thinking about getting one.

As what my recovery side of my head is saying I need a new hobbie. Iv been dancing for over 10 years and im tried of it. I wanna quit really bad. So im going to finish off this year. I feel that I just need something to motivate me to get better and stay out of the hospital. I have nothing to live for. And I want a futer and a carrer something to look forward to. Like a plan. But everytime I try my mom is alwayas like NO NO NO. I probably talk to my dad more than my mom and were not even in the same state. I wanna live with him. Hes always home and cooks. But iv done verything I can to confince my mom to move back but she says no. I wanna do triathlons as my new hobbie. But I cant go to the gym and train with my mom working so much. I don't knowo what to do with my life. My nana was saying I could start cooking and put it in the freezer and it will be good for about 3 months. So im defently going to start doing that. But I still feel very lonely. I want to eat with people at dinner and lunch. But theres literly nobody. I thank if I move to my dads town it will be better.But thats no in option.

To sum things up. Working toward recover I need help on making future goals and things to live for. I feel like I will never fully recovery. Because when I read stories and articals everyone going back to there eating disorder. It dosent just go away. Its with you your whole life. They say there recovered but they are still going to get triggered. They still get thoughts in the back of there head 20 years later. It would be nice if someone could confort me about that situation. Having to live the rest of my life with ed I rather not live. I don't wanna die I just want him to go away. Ever since 3ed or 5th grade I started getting thoughts in my head. Its terrible and I want them to go away. Its all iv though about for the past 4-5 years. Its taken over me and I fill like hes never going to go away. Please help. If I keep going on this path my Dr. says im goning to go back to treatment. I want a life to live for with out ed. A happy life with friends. Hopefully one day I will have friends again. We move so much.

haleyan31
Rangersgirl14

I am so sorry for what you are going through. First off, let me tell you that you most definitely have a reason to live. You deserve to live a happy life free from the ED. Have you ever talked to your dad about your problems or about living with him? It sounds like he would be a great support system for you.

I'm sorry that your mom is difficult to talk to but I am glad to see that you appreciate her hard work. It sounds difficult because she works so much but maybe you could talk to her about seeing a therapist. If she doesn't have time to take you to the sessions, then maybe you could look into a counselor at your school. You said your school isn't very nice but maybe they have somebody there that you can openly talk to. If you want to look into more options for help, you can check out this link: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-treatment.

I'm sorry that you are not enjoying dance anymore but I am happy that you realize this. So many times, people stick to something even though it no longer brings them joy. I think that saying goodbye to dance will be beneficial. As far as a new hobby, I think that it would be great to have something to do in order to get your mind off of the ED. As far as triathlons as a new hobby, I think that this could be detrimental. Training for such races takes a lot of work, training, and over exercising. When I was further along in my recovery, I decided to do triathlons and it really made me take a few steps back in my recovery.

It can be so hard to think about the future when you are so engrossed in the ED. What is your passion in life? It might be hard to think of one but I promise that at some point, you will have an experience and realize that you want to work with it for the rest of your life. That moment may come tomorrow or it may come in a year. Either way, I promise you that your future and life is worth living.

If you ever want to talk to somebody, feel free to call the NEDA hotline: 1-800-931-2237. The trained volunteers have recovered from an ED and are there to listen, give advice, and cheer you on. Another way you can find support is through the NEDA Navigators. The navigators are people from your area who have suffered from an ED as well. You can either email them or meet them in person. Either way, they are there to support you no matter what: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/neda-navigators.

Last thing I wanted to share with you are some Stories of Hope. These are personal stories from ED recoverers and I hope that within them, you find the strength that I know you have to recover: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope

I hope that some of this information helped. Know that this forum is always here for you. We want to see you recover and be happy again!

Stay strong and know that you are worth this recovery!!

Haley