National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
Need support

I am really depressed right now no longer feeling like binging but super alone and desperately sad

I do not feel suicidal, I just don't want to be alive right now. There is no reason for me to feel this way.

LM1002
iwanttolive I am so sorry you

iwanttolive I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I know I don't know you very well yet, but I have noticed how much support you give the others on these forums, and I hope you feel the same support in return! It is very hard when you are feeling so down to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but just know that this feeling will pass, and things should look better in the morning. You have every reason to live, and this recovery process will only get easier with time. I am sorry you are feeling so down. I hope you are feeling better tomorrow!

iwanttolive
Thank you

LM1002, Thank you for your kind support. It is morning and I am feeling better. Thank you so much again. I hope you are doing well. I haven't seen you before. How are you?

chunkymonkey68
Hi Have a Happy Day and Think Good Thoughts

I always appreciate your responses. You are light a lighthouse in the dark.

Have you considered journaling, going for walk or the gym, calling a friend, reading a good book, or something that makes you feel better?

I hope you have a better day soon and I always feel better w/ a good night's rest too. Good luck and take care of yourself too.....

iwanttolive
chunkeymonkey68

Hi Chunkeymonkey68,

Thank you for your comment. I do need to acknowledge that the light you see in me is a reflection of The Light, my source of strength and Hope. Without Jesus there would be no iwanttolive. It is His light shining through my fingers and allowing me to share what He has done for me to others. I consider it a high privilege and do not take it lightly. Jesus said if we light a candle, we aren't going to put it under a place of hiding, rather we put it out where others can see it. That is a loose paraphrase from Matthew in the Bible. It is my desire to serve and help people. I received so much help it is now my turn to give. And I love it.

I know you struggle with your weight and binge eating and then compensatory behaviors. How long have you struggled? Do you know what started the eating issues? If you could change one thing what would that be? How would that affect your life and then others around you? Something to think about, you don't have to put it out here. I am just thinking of myself and how I would answer that question. I think I would desire to be less sensitive to the rejection I feel, real or perceived, with my sisters. I would want to just be free from allowing myself to feel hurt and rejected. That would help me and them. Two birds with one stone.

It sounds like you have been struggling for a long time. Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel? Do you believe you can be free from the bondage of the disordered eating? Do you feel it has become a sort of identity thing? For me, I was so proud in a bad way, look at me, I am so strong, I thought my identity was wrapped up in what I weighed. But I KNOW that is a lie. My identity is in Jesus and what He says about me. He says He loves me just for being me. I don't have to prove anything to anybody, even my sisters.

I am turning fifty. I look like I am around thirty. I never really dated, was afraid of my own shadow. Was held back and put in an in between grade from kindergarten and first grade. Told I was socially maladjusted. I still feel that way. I don't look, act, or have the social lifestyle of someone my age so I don't fit in in many ways. But, I have compassion, I love people, I love the elderly I serve through my job. So, when it comes down to it, what we look like, how much we weigh, where we stand economically, and societally, doesn't really matter. For me, I am learning that it is what is in my heart that matters. That I am able to love. To care.

Sorry for the ramble. What do you think it would take to take a step toward recovery, perhaps give up one behavior that is harmful? What do you think would happen?

I finally got rid of clothes that don't fit, my scale, my "need" to be super skinny. My need to be right all the time. Even when I am right, I don't need to prove it. This has really helped me. So that is all for now. Thank you if you got to the end of this VERY long post. Take care and hang in there.
iwanttolive

chunkymonkey68
Dear iwanttolive, I loved that Response, Thanks...

In answering your question of when i think my ED 1st began...? I think it all began after the age of 8. I had witnessed a very traumatic and gory scene and kept this all A Big Secret from the time i was 8 until I had memories at the age of 31....

After age 8 i began gaining tons of weight. I was sad and miserable about my weight and wasn't able to exercise as much w/ having to help around the house w/ my brother who was about 3 at the time. So I was like a mama's helper...

My bro was very attached to me. If i did go somewhere he felt he was entitled to go with me. I suppose i resented having to share my "Free time" when not watching him at home.I was just a little girl who had a buddy who lived down the street. Kind of like the movie, "My Girl." Only i moved to a new city a few years after i had made a best friend.

So, I had witnessed, 1 yr before moving, that gory scene of this girl during child's play who chose to self injure. We were playing tag. They, her and a friend of hers had just taught me howe to play . I was barely out of orthopedic corrective shoes so didn't run to tag her. Instead i stood, predicted what would happen if she kept running at the speed " Of light....." And then it Happened.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, Capital Records style, No Stop!!!!!

No one at the school came out to help. It was a weekend or something. But the nuns had a small place right next door. So the 2 girls ran screaming across the street. I followed but dont recall what happened next.The girl was just running for help across the street to their nice little duplex apartment. They lived right across from the school that i attended, a Catholic Elementary School...

Then i never spoke of these or with these girls ever again. My family moved to a new house, 5 cities away. I lost any friends i had from my 1st school. Made a bunch of new 1's. Learned new sports and even competed in 1 and also concentrated on roller skating lessons as well.

Then I noticed that my body was overweight compared to most the girls in this city around me. Some of my friends were the same size as me, but we were different from the girls from the city.

Being both in roller skating as well as swimming i was even more body conscious of myself and my weight and of how i appeared in bathing suits and roller skating dresses too.

I began working out in my 2 favorite sports and w/in 2 summers in a row had lost weight.

Which is probly later how i turned so much to exercising following food binges. Exercise had always been my salvation. I always knew god was with me too. But i always felt responsible for my health and keeping in shape.

The 1st time i ever overate as a youth, i ended up vomiting. I didnt know when to stop eating.

After that I mainly ate correctly, exercised and participated in sports, hung around a few good friends whose parents all seemed to have jobs in the Health Related professions, like nurses, x ray techs, dentists, etc...

So i was in great shape as a kid after that 1st move to the new city, and soon forgot about my old girl friends and even my "1st Buddy."

Then went on to high school. Felt larger than many of the girls there too. Realized i didn't fit into designer jeans like they did. Felt self conscious but at the time empathetic for mu parents and knew i was on a budget and didn't upset my parents just to wear a pair of designer jeans to feel like the other girls. Furthermore, we usually had a uniform so that was only for a 1x a year "Jeans Day" thing anyhow...

Graduated and went on to college, and began a rigid diet. Was hired at the mall and learned about other behaviors from a friend and a diet from these old ladies at work too. So then began dieting again.

Took several years to busy myself with career and relationship to overcome ED-NOS type of behaviors from then on. After college still concerned w/ my body image and have been extra sensitive after my last break in a relationship w/ my 2nd "Best Buddy." (1st real serious relationship.)

Focused extra on career after our break up and have been doing so ever since. I now seem to have seasonal phases of weight loss episodes. Certain parts of the year i am more able to focus on exercising and eating right.

Take an rx to help esp w/ Seasonal Affective Disorder, PMS, and to sleep instead of night Binging. This helps a lot. I didn't use these meds in the past but do see how they help make a big difference in regulating moods, appetite, anxiety, and ability to focus on my career---most the time, PMS is a killer though.

Every 3 weeks still experience PMS and until i hit Menopause probably will always have this struggle w/ Pre Menstrual cravings, weight gain, and extra ordinary moodiness.....

So in a nutshell, that's the history of my ED-NOS, from how i interpret it, at least. That's how i dealt w/ it, and how am slowly evolving into a middle aged female in the world and trying to do my best...?

Thanks for asking. Hope you don't strain an eye muscle in reading my response to your ? about the history of my ED...

Hope your day goes well and write me anytime too...

BeatEdnos91
I hope your doing ok

When I feel like you did in the post I've just started to listen to Christain music that inspires me and I also think that having some activities you enjoy help as well.

I also do something soothing for myself and i try to be compassionate to myself. Acceptance Commitment Therapy helps as well. I think you will be fine i pray daily for you and want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need.

I appreciate all you have done for others on here including me , and I care about you all here and remember with God by our side we can do this move forward and heal in his power.

In our darkest moments he is there for us every step of the way and gives us love and without judgment he is like a jealous Father.