National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Good morning. Just checking in to say hi!!!

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. Just my usual check in to see how you are. You don't have to feel pressured to respond. Just know I care and keep you in my prayers. iwanttolive.

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hello. How are you doing? I'm hanging in. Very stressful few weeks here but still hanging in. I see my nutritionist and therapist tomorrow. After that I have alot of homework to get done as I will be away all day Saturday. I need another me to fit in everything that I have to do...ha ha! If only that were possible.

Are things going well with you? How is work going?

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. You sound a little bit better. I hope you are feeling it. Yes, it seems at times there is too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I am glad that you are seeing your nutritionist and therapist tomorrow. That should help some. I met with mine today. Still being herself and helping me to take ownership over my decisions without saying my Mom and Dad don't want me to do this or say that to my sister. She asked if they didn't say anything to me about how to deal with her that I am still afraid of her and would not confront her on things anyway. She rehashes this with me every week. Some is finally settling in.

My sister asked me to have a "talk" with her again. She wanted to understand what was going on in my head when we had a childish fight over the air conditioner. I said we had already gone over this and forgiven each other and I admit I was wrong and apologized. She also apologized. She thinks she can use me for a bunching bag. I turned off the TV, closed my computer and gave her my full attention. One time I said no when she asked if we could talk. I said I was not in a good mind frame and I would talk later. She only remembers me saying NO. Just NO. But that wasn't the case. I said I would no longer talk about this with her as there was nothing else to say. She got mad. Then she told me I I was the reason she never comes out of her room. I was like, WHAT!!!! She is a victim herself and needs to find someone to victimize and guess what? I am it. So my therapist is trying to help me along with my parents that she lives in her own little world finding reasons to be a victim. It really hurts. I try to be kind to her but we really had a big fight over the air. She spends 99% of her time in her room and it is often warmer in her room than the rest of the house. When she came out she said she wanted the air on as she couldn't breathe. I said no, you are only out here for five minutes and go back into your room. She became very hostile towards me and was yelling at me and cursing without cursing, if that makes sense. She says I am selfish and only think of myself and how no one understands her illness and so on and so forth. When she was ranting at me I put on my earplugs and listened to music to let her know I was done. She through that in my face too that I always do that. Not so. I hadn't used it in a very long time. She is mean and aggressive. I am afraid of her emotional abuse. Then she blames me for her not coming out of her room. Her cave. I am told it is not me. It is her. I think the air shouldn't have to run 24/7 when she only comes out for a few minutes but my dad said I was wrong about that. Soon the weather will change and then she will need the house at another temperature. Surrender the right to be right. AHHHH.

Sorry for all that. My therapist has really helped a lot. As for my new case, kinda difficult. But she really liked it when right at the end I filed her nails and gave her a hand massage. She was like, oh this feels so good. So I am happy all ended well. Only five minutes from my house.

So that is my story of the week. Sisters. Not. Not really. Never have been close to any of them and they would be just fine if I was out of their lives. I am not suicidal when I say that. That is how they see me. Not apart of their lives. Always has been that way. My therapist asks me why I don't talk about the good things, the friends I have now. It will improve my mood and outlook on life if I did that.

You got more than you bargained for when you asked how I was. I am actually good. Sad, hurt, rejected by my sisters but loved by friends and my parents. I help my neighbor by visiting her and stop by when I can. I want to give and not take as I took for so many years. Anyways, I pray for sleep to come to you tonight. Thanks for responding to my post. iwanttolive

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of that with your sister! It certainly sounds like a very emotional rollercoaster for you. I know that ideally you and her would get along and be best friends but unfortunately it doesn't seem like that is an option. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from situations, even if only by putting ear plugs in, to deter the incident from escalating. I know when I am hurt or upset, it always helps to step away and regain my composure. I am glad that you realize that you have friends and people who love and care for you. I am also glad that you are able to talk to your therapist and listen to the feedback she provides. I hope that things get better there with your sister and I hope you get a good night's rest!

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. Good afternoon. I hope you are doing okay. Thank you for your response. Do you have plans for today? iwanttolive

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hi. How are you? I was away all day yesterday and am absolutely exhausted today. I need to study some but I'm struggling today. It's already late in the afternoon and I have without realizing or acknowledging behaved in service of ed and ed values instead of my own.

How are you doing? Are things going well?

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi, I am sorry to hear you were super busy and didn't have time for yourself. And that you continue to struggle. What are the doctors saying about your physical issues?

I am doing amazingly well. In living a life of surrender, I am finding myself getting stronger. I posted under "totally different" on the recovery section, the first one on the forum, about how this new lifestyle, and how it is helping me in my recovery. I don't want this to be a momentary part of my life but wish to incorporate it into my everyday life.

So for now, take care and know you are not alone.

Thank you for keeping in touch. I continue to keep you in my prayers.

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

I am proud of you and happy for You! I hope that things continue to be positive in your life. I'm facing major life changes right now and having alot of anger issues. I'm seriously thinking that I can't take much more. It's been one thing after another. Some days I'm ready to just give up. It's been more than 24 hours since I've had anything to eat. I have no desire to eat at this point. I'm just not sure what to do. It isn't even about the eating at this point. I'm an emotional mess with life turned upside down.

lovetowrite81
Ladybug0805

Hi Ladybug-
Just wanted to say hello & let you know that I have been thinking of you and praying for you as well. I'm so sorry to hear about all you are going through. I wish I had an easy answer or solution, but all I can really say is you're not alone & we're here for you and care about you. And there is always hope <3 Don't lose sight of that, my friend.

Ladybug0805
lovetowrite81

Hi lovetowrite81. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for assuring me that I'm not alone. I feel pretty alone at the moment. I hope that you are doing well.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi Ladybug, I am a little concerned for you. Are you safe, are you feeling like self harming? Please call the hotline for self harm prevention, 800-334-4357. Do you need to chat about what is troubling you so much? I am not wanting to pry, but just know that I am available if you want to "talk". Please if there is anyone you can reach out to, please do.

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hey there. Thank you for your concern. I just wanted to let you know that I am ok. I appreciate you being willing to let me talk with you but some things just can't be put on a forum. I feel pretty alone at this time but I am ok.

Savedbygrace
Big hugs

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))). I understand how hard things can be. Can you try to distract yourself with a funny movie or show to distract you?

Ladybug0805
Savedbygrace

Thank you for that suggestion. I will try that! I'm glad to see you still on the forum!

Savedbygrace
You're welcome

I hope it helps some. And thank you.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi there. I understand there are situations that can not be dealt with on open forum. Just know again that you are not alone. I continue to lift you up in prayer. iwanttolive