National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi Ladybug, I was just reviewing some of what we have been "talking" about. Sounds like yesterday was real difficult, with a lot of emotions. Feeling really down. I am sorry for that. I hate always saying "I am sorry" but I do not know what else to say. How is today going? Are you still feeling as discouraged and down? Do you want to "talk" about it? I will pray for you that you find peace and get some of the answers you are looking for. I don't know you, but from sharing with you I do care. Hope to "see" you later. iwanttolive

Ladybug0805
Today

Hey there iwanttolive. How are you doing today? Yesterday was extremely difficult and extremely full of various emotions. I was/am discouraged but just trying to take things one minute at a time.

I feel like when I get down it isn't just a bit or like a blah day. It's like a slump. This one I'm having more trouble getting up from. My behavior as far as the eating disorder goes is far from great and I am not sure what to do. I try so hard not to be active in my disorder but as I told my therapist...I fail often at this. I just can't get my behavior under control.

My therapist and nutritionist have discussed inpatient numerous times but I truly fight to not go inpatient.

I would love to "talk" later if you are up to it but if it is too stressful etc I understand. I have a lot to do this afternoon/evening with my son and getting him ready for school. We have a school meeting. I have a little time now and then can be back on here later.

Thank you for caring and for talking. It means alot.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi I have time now, and then after 9pm. So whatever is easier for you, you let me know. I am glad your son and you have such a great relationship

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hi! Sorry for the delay. Today has been crazy hectic for me. I've barely stopped long enough for anything. I have just a little bit of time and then I can be back on after 9 p.m. Not sure if our 9 p.m. is the same or not! I will be back on for sure.

Working towards recovery is hard. I worry so bad because when I slip up it always turns out so bad. It is not just one day or a couple of days....its a long period of time. My issue is not even just with food. When I start in my behaviors it's with liquid as well so dehydration usually comes quickly. ED thrives on busy days like today.

How are you doing today? I know you said you had appointments. I hope all went well!

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. I am on the east coast. My appointment went so so. I don't like the medication my doctor put me on and my Mom will be angry with me if I refuse to take it. A nurse friend, my Mom is also, said if I drink more it could have the effect.
I will talk with my therapist tomorrow. I should be able to do with my body without having to fight with my Mom about it. Anyways I am feeling better after being taken off another med. I am blabbing. I hope we can connect tonight. I am a bit concerned as I see my therapist tomorrow but my mind is blank about this week. I ended last session with a long pause 2-4 minutes. She asked me where I went anf I said I don't know. She presssed so I mentioned my sister. She wondered how that popped up. I called the office and had the girls tell my therapist I just made it up because she wanted to know. So now I am completely blank about this week. This is long, sorry. Later

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hi! I am not on the East Coast but I am in the Eastern time zone! I understand completely about the medication. After my father passed I quit taking all of my medication (probably not advisable but I did). I started fresh. If you are anything like me, I research my medication and the effects and if one little certain side effect is even a possibility, I won't take it. I've had numerous issues when getting put on a new med. Are you planning on trying to increase your water intake before trying the new medication or do you think you are going to go ahead and start the new medicine? I think your therapist will be a great help tomorrow especially if you discuss with her about arguing with your mom if you don't take the medicine. Every person is different so I don't know if there are specific reasons your mom gets upset when you make a decision for yourself or if it's just an in general thing. I know my mom would get mad at me a lot and put me down when I made certain decisions...even decisions about vacations etc so my therapist really helped me with how to handle things like that but I know each case is different.

I am sorry that you ended your last session with a pause. Sometimes we need to do that. Did you call the office and tell them that you made it up because it isn't something that you want to talk about this week? I hope that you helping me this week is not what has you feeling blank. I never want to reach out and cause anyone any harm on here. When I post on here, I literally have to be really needing an ear to listen or uplifting because I don't open up easy. I have to be near rock bottom to really reach out. Hope to see you back on here in a bit. Would love to talk more.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. I want you to know that my memory being blank has nothing to do with my posting to anyone including you, so don't worry about that. Thanks for thinking about that though. My medication is supposed to raise my blood pressure. I talked with a nurse friend who said drink much more water than I have been, not enough, and see if that helps. My mom is a nurse and thinks this is God's answer to prayer. I am not so certain and wish to decide for myself what I put into my body. It is a difficult and complicated situation. I do not like to disappoint my mother. We are very close and she has been through a lot with my other two sisters and their medical problems.

I ended the session last week talking after a long pause but she kept prodding are you just not wanting to tell me or do you really not know where you went. I said I really don't know. She pushed more so I decided to bring up my abusive sister who is not in touch with the family because of her behavior, just to talk about something. She wondered why she popped up and I said I don't know. I called the office and left a message for her that I really didn't know why I went blank and just made up a situation with my sister, a real situation but that wasn't something I was thinking about. I was blank. So I left the message. I have little to no contact outside of my session. And I am worried about tomorrow because I am blank still. I know I want to divert where we have been and move into more sensitive of an area that was put on hold a few months back. I have to take with her about the medication. My Mom hates to use meds unless absolutely necessary so I don't know why she would be so upset with me but I know she will be. I have to roll play if my therapist will do that. She is unique in her approach and sometimes I don't get what I feel I need, but she is good and I am staying with her for the time being.

How are you? How was your mood and your eating? Let me know how you are feeling. It is late I know but my Bible study ran late. We were having a lot of fun. I laugh more with these ladies than I do than any other time. It is refreshing. SO, You. Tell me about your day.

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

I have also hears the same that drinking plenty more water will help with the blood pressure issue. I can completely understand where you are torn about taking the medication and not wanting to disappoint your mom. Maybe, hopefully after talking with your therapist, you may have a better clarification. Role play also sounds like something that may help.

I have been in situations where I just could not say anymore in a session. I am fortunate that I have a therapist who really truly is compassionate about her job and really cares. (Not saying anyone else's don't). In my moments where I go blank, she can always seem to pull me out but it wasn't always that way. We've worked together quite a few years.

I am sorry to know you've had such a situation with your sister. That must be really hard. I am glad that even though you doubt things sometimes with your therapist you are sticking with her for now. In the end I am sure everything will come together.

I am okay. My mood hasn't been the greatest and I've kinda just picked at food and stuff today....not really eating much. I had a beverage that I've been trying to give up but I feel horrible now and it is all I've had to drink today.

I am glad that Bible study went well and that you had some laughs. Laughter is always a good thing. I love that you were able to have that tonight! I see my therapist tomorrow. I've been trying to write some tonight but I get lost a bit. It's hard to put stuff out there.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. Do you think you could drink water? If you need to talk I will check in in a bit. Otherwise. I wish you a restful sleep

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hi. I actually can't or won't drink any water right now. I have been struggling very hard to keep anything in since Saturday afternoon. Water included. I literally cannot keep anything in. My doctor actually said if it doesn't get better I am going to need to go to the hospital for fluids.

I have to figure out a way to make myself eat and drink but it's been easier not to.

I know they say that recovery is non linear. So when these slumps happen, does it mean you are no longer in recovery or just that you've hit a rough patch?

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

It really does sound like you need IV fluids. It is almost a week. I am not a professional but dehydration can cause a lot of problems.
In terms of recovery I think it is individual but the longer one is behavior free the better chances for recovery. But from what I know, there are lapses, relapses and then falling back into behaviors that really need more intensive intervention. A lapse is a temporary fall into behaviors, a relapse is a little more intense but a full blown relapse as I said might require a stay in a treatment center. I am not a professional so take those words as what I remember being told.

Do you think you will consider following through with your docto

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

I see my therapist tomorrow. She doesn't know how bad my behaviors have started back. Part of it is not intentional as far as getting sick every time I try to eat. But I am not doing what I need to do in the between times. I am scheduled for a follow up with my doctor on Thursday of next week but I'm not sure if I can hold out that long on IV fluids. I have been much weaker before. I am just hoping that this isn't a relapse. I keep telling myself it's just from the pain and grief but I'm not sure if that's true or not.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. I hope you will be 100% honest with your therapist and put a csll in to your doctor before the weekend which is coming up. It is important. Your health is important. You are important. Get the help you need. What do you think?

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

I will be honest with my therapist. I trust her completely. I just don't want her to feel that I am at the point of needing inpatient as I absolutely do not want to go away! I will put a call in to my doctor tomorrow morning. She had given me some medicine to try and help but so far it is not.

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. How did it go with your therapist and did you get to see a medical doctor? I am on my way now.

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Hey there. How are you? How did your appointment go? Things went ok in therapy today. I have to make some changes. I have to do things differently. She asked if we needed to look at inpatient. Absolutely not!!! I was not able to see my medical doctor today. I have an appointment on Thursday. Hopefully each day things will get better. Hoping everything is going well for you today!

iwanttolive
Ladybug0805

Hi. I am glad you are going to work with your therapist. Change is difficult but made easier with support. My therapiat was shocked with the difference she saw in me by coming off one medication. It went really well . It is good to be feeling better.My blood pressure is getting better. So I have to take a defensive driving class onnline think I will do that today. Gotta go

Ladybug0805
iwanttolive

Glad that everything went well and that things are looking up for you! Good luck with your driving course! Hope you enjoy the rest of your day and evening! Take care!