National Eating Disorders Association

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The infinite struggle

I'm about a year into "recovery"

I haven't seen my doctor or psychologist in the past 6 months, as I've been really trying to get back to "normal" life and convince myself I do not need these things.
I have been in this so long that it feels like what life is.
I am hurting in some way be it physically or mentally almost always. A small dull ache.
I always tired, but exercise regularly despite how I feel.
I count my calories and eat the same thing every day, I convince myself that's an okay part of my life, as long as I am functioning, I am productive, I am taking part in the world, but I am noticing myself wanting to pull back and retreat again.

I am not as bad as I have been, and I can't tell if I'm "okay" or not. Some days are fine, but others are horrible.

I'm just not really sure what the solution is anymore. I'm tired of not knowing whether I'll be okay and be able to handle each day.
I don't feel good enough for the pain, and feel spoilt by having it. It has no reason to be there. So i chalk it up to a failure of my capacity to fight hard enough to be happy.

Just a word vomit. and encouragement would be amazing :)


Hey redlac!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. Recovery is a road full of ups and downs...but it's always worth it, and you deserve it! Recovery is a process that often involves pain and lots of difficult feelings, and I want to emphasize that these pain and feelings are by no means a sign of personal weakness. They're completely natural and part of the process, and in my opinion, acknowledging them is a sign of strength. You seem very in tune with how you're feeling, and you are clearly making an effort to remain in recovery and work towards happiness. Be proud of that :)

Also, seeing doctors and therapists when needed is a great thing! Don't view it as something you "shouldn't need" - those professionals are there to help you and that's completely normal, especially during the challenges of recovery. Always reach out to them, the NEDA helpline (1-800-931-2237), or this forum whenever you need to. You can do this!



Hey Red,

Yeah, this stuff can really undermine a person's sense of everything it seems. Still, it seems like you have a pretty good idea of what the issue is. And where things have been heading recently. Not that there's a lot of comfort in that. But still, some people would be in denial, you know ?

So…are you giving any thought to seeing your psychologist again ? It's true : A person can see getting away from those folks as a positive thing sometimes. At the same time, I think we need to keep track of when we need them too. That's something that taking care of ourselves too.

And yeah, if it feels like things have been slipping recently….I've always felt better about myself if I take some kind of action. Just making the appointment itself can give a person a lift sometimes.

Anyhow, it kind of sounds like you know what might be helpful, and there's something to be said about that. Just in itself, you know ?

Bob J.