National Eating Disorders Association

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1fishygal68
Im NOT Prima Donna Enough to be RESPECTED for Who I am

I feel that I am not treated as well as most women around me because I am a rather large, European woman. I am not beautiful, I am big, I am nothing special. Then I saw that I was good at controlling my weight. So it was a habit which I felt gave me sense of control and security.

I felt that once I lost weight I blended in better with all the normal thinner women around me both at work and just in everyday life. Then I got stuck in this routine and couldn't just eat normally w/o re-gaining the weight I lost.

Then I began feeling insecure all over again and feel terrified in re-gaining the weight I worked so hard to lose it and fit in here round Southern CA, USA.

I cant eat normally anymore because I just start putting on weight. Then, I feel horrible.

I always feel weak and miserable. When I do eat even a small meal my stomach feels distended.

I feel frustrated in being stuck in this cycle of weight loss and self esteem and the need to control this so badly that I would rather Pass Out than Eat a Meal and have a Distended Tummy.

I cant sit and talk about my ass widening and of how this makes me feel powerless. All I feel I can do is go to the gym after a small meal and sweat.

This is just so NOT funny. What am I supposed to do?

Erin_Patricia1
Sorry to hear you're struggling

Hi 1fishygal68,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time right now. Have you tried reaching out to a close friend or family member about how you have been feeling lately? What about possibly a therapist? Have you talked with a doctor about the symptoms you're experiencing?

I understand, also, what it feels like to not fit in and live in a place that can appear to be pretty superficial. BUT don't ever feel the need to look a certain way to fit in with other people, no matter where you live. If people around you don't like what they see, then honestly they aren't great people to be around, anyways. As we know, eating disorders aren't about weight/size/food/calories; what eating disorders come down to is a way to cope with what's going internally. So no matter how much weight you lose, how much food you do or don't eat, what size clothes you wear, it's still not going to help what's going on in your mind and will never be good enough. At least, that's how I felt when I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia.

I am not trying to be harsh, I just want you to know that you ARE beautiful no matter what size you are or how other people around you look like :)

Please keep us updated on how you're doing. I am worried about you. You deserve to be happy and to not feel like your self-worth is tied to how you look or what size you are.

Erin_Patricia1 <3 <3

1fishygal68
Thanks

But its nearing my Summer recess and size for me really does matter. I am trying to fit into my lap swim suit and get back in shape. They only make those up to a certain size and Im at the end of the size range. So my suit fits uncomfortably. I am trying my best to lose weight but this HOT CA weather is reeking havoc on my exercise routine and making me need to re-hydrate and therefore bloat really badly in upper body areas too. Its driving me extra mad-dd.....

_admin_moderator
Edit

Hi 1fishygal68,
A small portion of your post was edited to adhere to community guidelines (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/community-guidelines). Please continue posting though!! :)

s.boewer
Sorry

Hi- I wasted 34 years trying to control my weight to be at a socially acceptable size, or at least that is what I thought I wanted. The reality is that I was suffering from years of repressed feeling around old trauma and using my control of food, weight, exercise, calories as a way to avoid addressing the real pain. It sounds like you are pretty much convinced that your battle is losing weight and that if you achieve a certain size that you will be okay. But as you originally wrote, even when you lost the weight you could't enjoy it and then couldn't eat normally without feeling bad about yourself. That really sounds to me like the symptoms of an eating disorder, which is likely a symptom of something else that you are avoiding feeling. Therapy is a great way to uncover the root causes of self-loathing and body image obsession and can help in understanding what is really causing dissatisfaction. I hate to read that you are so hard on yourself and so focused on reaching some perfect size in order to be happy. It is a very exhausting existence and so unnecessary I have discovered. Being free from all of that stress and need to control is so much easier than being in it. I hope you will look at things with a different perspective so that you don't waste as many years as I did trying to find happiness through the size of my clothes. It isn't worth it...