National Eating Disorders Association

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glamazonprince
im at my end

im a male and im considered lean and fit but i struggle every second of every day to maintain my weight.my life is consumed with my appearance.if i gain any weight at all i seclude myself.im lucky and unlucky in the fact i dont have to work ,lucky that im not bothered with finances but unluvky in that my life can be completely devoted to a neverending unattainable goal.i will go weeks and not see a soul until i look perfect or whatever i think that is and show up at events looking great only to binge and start the cylce over.ive started bleeding from both ends lately and feel my use of adderall and laxatives and ephedra are killing me.my insides burn constantly and i amost faint when i stand up too fast.i dont know what to do i dont want to go to the hospital because i may be forced to stay and lose control of my situation.i really am at a end of sorts i feel im losing the only thing i have which are looks.once thats gone i might as well be dead.im not anorexic because i logiocally know that anorexic looks unattractive.i dont know what you call being obsessed with looking model perfect and doing anything it takes to stay that way.if i cant see my abs i literally hide away until i can.i know what logically looks good.its what everyone thinks looks good-what is it when you destroy your health to look healthy and perfectly fit.i cant exercise anymore than i do.i cant diet anymore than i do.my body just wants to be thicker and i have to fight it.it has consumed my life.i have lost all my riends becasue i cant focus on anything but my diet and workouts.i want to enjoy life and be happy but im so scared of becoming average.do i have a disorder or am i just a vain douche who needs to get a life.i want to have substance and worth but dont know how.

nanzhu
You've taken the first step!

glamazonprince,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you are in an extremely tough situation and it's so important that you've opened up about it on this forum, acknowledging that you're in an unhealthy place. There are definitely things not classified as the classic eating disorders of anorexia nervosa or bulimia that are still just as dangerous, like your situation of being obsessed with appearances, exercise, and diet.

Despite your inner demons, you ARE worth it and your life does have meaning!! Don't ever think otherwise! Conquering these thoughts though does require professional help. The NEDA Helpline (1-800-931-2237, M-F, 9-5EST) is a great place to start, and there are also many other resources here: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/recovery and online. Talking to someone (you can remain anonymous) and connecting with others who have struggled with similar things may help you feel healthier and happier so you can live to your full potential.

You are not defined by your looks and I'm glad you have taken the first step by speaking up here. Let us know how things are going. There ARE people out there who can help you if you take the next step to reach out!

Nan

eghall
You are definitely not vain

Hi glamazonprince -

First of all, I am so glad you found us on here and you are talking about what's going on. You are NOT vain at all - you have the signs and symptoms of an eating disorder and eating disorders have nothing to do with vanity. I know you don't want to go to the hospital for fear of losing control. However, from what you described above I am going to urge you to please reconsider. The bleeding, internal burning and faint feelings are serious. You really need to go to a hospital or at least a primary care doctor as soon as possible. I know your ED is controlling everything right now, but your body is really trying to tell you something. Try to understand the seriousness of your situation and go to a hospital.

Again, I am so glad you reached out to us! We want to help you through this.