National Eating Disorders Association

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I Miss It

Idk. I just miss it. I relapsed back in February and it got really bad including a hospital visit. Towards the end of April I started working towards recovery again with determination (most days) and have been doing well but for the past few days I miss ED. I know the comfort and everything it brought me wasn't real, but it's been harder to not give into relapse lately.

re: I Miss It

Been there. You're not alone--recovery is full of ups and downs. Even four years into full recovery, there are still days when I miss my ED like an old friend. I know for me a lot of that is wrapped up in this false belief that my ED gave me purpose and drive, but really it was just swallowing my life. During those times it helps to remind myself what my ED actually reduced my life to: spending hours kneeling on a bathroom floor, staying at the gym until they turned the lights off, constant body checking, having no space in my head for any other thoughts. Keep reminding yourself of concrete reasons you love recovery, even if they're small. You got this.

Thank you. It sucks. Last

Thank you. It sucks. Last night I started writing down what the enemy and my ED was trying to tell me and how it was a lie. For example, how I've felt alone and not close to friends lately or scared or anxious- ED lies offering itself like the most familiar person that will always be there. But I know, logically in my head, that its all false and really ED will harm me. I think it helped a bit seeing it written out, but then I still don't feel as strong as I have been and have mixed feelings about eating and after I eat. I'll keep telling myself the truth that I know, but it's just tough. I can't relapse again.


Hi Rea_Rea,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and we are here for you. I like the way you put that. ED is deceiving- it presents itself like it is comforting, it is always there; and even though we intellectually know it's harming us, it is serving us in certain ways. There are still reasons why we cling to it. That sounds like such a great exercise to begin dispelling the lies that ED is telling you. I know writing in a journal really helps me as well. It's so tough. Please try to be gentle with yourself. <3 Just wanted to say that we are here for you & that full recovery is possible. Keep us posted with how you're doing.


Been there too

I know the feeling--even years later I still miss the ED. I see it as a grieving process, and giving myself permission to grieve has helped with coping. Acknowledging those feelings, letting myself feel them, without fighting them or giving in to them--that was a difficult skill to learn but it's part of recovery. So allow yourself to feel the grief but remember that life is in front of you and recovery is a beautiful thing!


Hey guys,

Thank y'all for your comments. I had been better since that last post. I stayed strong and didn't give in. But a couple of days ago I found out that my parents are getting divorced and so now I guess I'm worried I'll relapse again. I don't want to and I know I have a good support system here at college and I do feel strong on one hand, but I also know that literally every time in my past that something bad has happened ED or self harm is what I ran to.

Here for you

Hi rea_rea, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents...that must be very difficult, but I'm glad you have a good support system to turn to. Talking to others is important so you aren't alone with your thoughts, it helps a lot, especially when you're worried about relapse. Remember that recovery is a long, difficult process, but it is possible, and we should celebrate the little victories :) By acknowledging what you would've done in this situation in the past, and realizing that you do not want that to be the case this time, you're making huge progress. Maybe this can be the perfect time to test more positive ways of handling the hard times, like talking with your support system, journaling, etc. And remember that your health is most important, so if you start to feel like it's too much for you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going home from college for a bit to get the support you need from family. Hang in there, and remember we're here for you <3 Keep us posted.