National Eating Disorders Association

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I don't want to give in anymore.

I am a 21 year old female. I have been overweight practically all my life. A couple of years ago, I lost a lot of weight through proper diet and exercise and had a healthy relationship with food. But eventually, I stopped exercising and gained it all back. Last year, in November, I was driven to get fit and get the body of my dreams so I worked for it and lost weight. I have now developed an obsession with food. I think about food all the time. Planning what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat. I have tried various methods of doing the same. Intermittent fasting, carb cycling, you name it. I even stopped drinking alcohol 3 months ago and stopped going out with my friends or for social gatherings with the fear of hindering my progress. I am extremely lonely now as I have no real friends anymore and have given my all to diet and exercise. I now go on a crazy binging spree regularly wherein I eat crazy amounts of food all day long. I seem to have it together for most of the week but when I binge, I lose all control and that is followed by guilt, shame and self hatred. I get back on the wagon and use the damage by eating right and exercising again only to hinder my progress and binge again. My cheat days turn into binge days. I'm not where I want to be as yet and everytime I get near my goals, it all goes out the window when I binge. I want to get out of this mess and not let food control my life! I really want to reach my goals as I have a big event coming up in a month and I know it's possible if I stop binging every week and undoing all my progress. When I do binge, I know I shouldn't but as soon as I eat something "unhealthy" or something in large amounts, I give up and gorge down anything and everything I can get my hands on thinking I've eaten what I wasn't supposed to anyway so I might as well go all out. I however never throw up what I've eaten forcefully nor do I feel guilty about eating on days that I don't binge and eat healthy. I need to break this cycle. Please help me. I feel trapped.
P. S : sorry for the really long post.

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