National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
humility

Hello to my NEDA friends,

I wanted to start off by saying I celebrated my fiftieth birthday today. I am more like a twenty year old if that. As some of you know I have been struggling this month a lot. Haven't struggled like this in nine months. So many people were at the party I was so blown away. People do love me.

What I need to say because I believe in vulnerability here and I feel I owe it to you to be honest with the good, the bad and the ugly. It has been ugly this month. I think the birthday, and not wanting to be 50, it really scares me, and people say it is only a number, but as I type this I am thinking, a number isn't just a number when it comes to us who suffer from eating disorders. So this NUMBER is more than a number.

I had a procedure done on Friday and I have what is called a medication induced psychosis. Working with someone who herself is very anxious, and me not dealing in reality because of being so off with this induced psychosis, it was painful to work. Four hours of torture. Then my driving class is coming up and my dad has been very aggressive trying to get me some exposure with driving again before Tuesday. I love my Dad. He can be such a daddy, but then he can be judgmental, telling me I am wrong with things I say, and he is NOT the one to help me getting back on the road.

All this to say, I have been under enormous stress. There is a lot more but I want to get to why I am posting.

I believe as I said in being vulnerable. Being honest. I think I was getting a little to proud of my accomplishments in recovery. Well, I fell two days ago. I didn't want to tell the forum because I have been talking about my recovery and I didn't want to let you down by saying I started binging a little but worse is that I self harmed several times. In areas that correspond to my diagnosis of PTSD. I feel like a failure and today everyone celebrating me and how well I am doing and all the while I am thinking YOU guys have no idea of the stress I have been under and would be so disappointed with me if only you knew what I just did the past two days, not today. I am devastated by my actions and acting on behaviors, especially the self harm. I just feel like I have no testimony anymore, and all the difficult work I have done these past nine months have been for naught.

So, I was just going to disappear from the forum, but decided I couldn't do that, but I feel I've let you down. I just don't know. So I will end here. Thank you for those who read this. I am sorry I crashed.

iwanttolive

julesthefox
First of all, you have not

First of all, you have not let us down at all. You don't owe anyone anything except yourself to live your best life. I'm so sorry you've been having so many stressful things happen at once. You have been doing so well. Remember, a lapse is NOT a relapse. Look how far you've come! You are so strong, and you'll get even farther this time. Just because you lapsed does not mean all your progress is worthless. Think of what you've said to others: It's important that you realize the lapse, but is even more important that instead of letting it get you down, you allow yourself to learn from it and get up better and stronger than before. I know you can do it's. You've gotten farther than you ever thought you would. And you will keep getting stronger from here.
Sorry you're feeling down. Know you are loved and you can do this.
Lots of love and hugs,
Julesthefox

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Thank you. Take a dose of my own advice, right? Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me

hermione3
Just wanted to say lapses

Just wanted to say lapses happen and it's ok and you have been under a lot of stress so give yourself a break you deserve one. Practice self care and just get back up again everything you have done is not lost keep fighting you got this .

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

Hi Iwanttolive,
We truly appreciate your openness & vulnerability <3 You have not let us down at all- what we admire is your resilience and strength through the challenges as they do come. We are going to hit roadblocks and as you encourage so many others here, a setback does not mean that all we've accomplished in recovery is erased. You have made such tremendous strides forward that are incredible. I know this has been such a difficult time for you- all we can do is keep moving forward, taking it one day at a time, using the coping skills we've learned, seeking support, and pressing into the Lord like never before. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself and extend yourself grace in the midst of this difficult season, knowing that you are loved, cared for, & you ARE an overcomer. You are so precious to us here <3 I will be thinking of and praying for you.

iwanttolive
lovetowrite81

Thank you. I am really appreciating you and your faith and how you encourage me. Thank you. I just never wanted to fall. I think I got a little ahead of myself, proud you might say. I needed humbled. So now I pick up and continue on. I need God more than ever before. Thank you for your prayers. That means a lot to me.

How are YOU? What is going on? What are you up to?

I am an overcomer. I know He has forgiven me. Turning 50 just did something. The tip of the iceberg and I fell. But I am getting back up. From where I fell. And am going to forage onward.

Thank you again. You are very dear to me.
iwanttolive

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

Of course <3
I know that you did everything you could not to slip- but the reality is we constantly need to be humbled & reminded that we are so weak on our own and in constant need of God. To be drawn into deeper dependence on Him. That His power is made perfect in weakness.
You are right. All we can do is get back up and move forward.
Any more thoughts on whether or not to tell someone about the slip? I would recommend telling at least one or two others, just to be able to have that accountability as well as transparency with where you're at- people you can reach out for support and are able to meet you where you're at right now.
I also saw the post about your father recently needing surgery. I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that we are all here to listen.
I am doing alright, thank you so much for asking! Grateful to be 3+ years without ED rearing its head. Still in therapy twice a week for issues related to my father issues- and how that still effects me so much. Sigh. It's forever a work in progress.
Keep us posted <3

iwanttolive
I need advice

I need to know if I should tell anyone about my slip. My therapist knows. I wanted to see her twice this week but she said no. She believes I can handle the enormous amount of stress I am under. I was mad. So anyone have any idea of if I should tell anyone?

hermione3
I think it would be a good

I think it would be a good idea to tell someone. I know it's hard but we need accountability and that is how we get the support we need. Sorry to hear your therapist won't meet with you and I read about your dad I am so sorry you are under so much stress. Just keep reaching out and move forward you've got this.