National Eating Disorders Association

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elt2794
Hullo, I'm new?

I've never been in a forum for anything, so excuse me for being a bit awkward. I just joined, hence the title of this being I'm new, and I'm trying to figure out all of the buttons.
My name is Erin and I am 19 y/o. I have been diagnosed with EDONS since I have bulimic and anorexic tendencies (no, I am not considered anorexic since I am not thin enough, but I think that rule to that diagnosis is stupid and not necessarily true) I've had an ED for twelve years now, and it progressed over the past two years to something a bit more extreme, but I'm trying to get help (I have been seeing a therapist, going to group therapy, and seeing a nutritionalist every week). The thing is, though, I've not seen or felt any improvement. I don't understand how to get better, even when I know HOW to do it (portions, what to eat, being healthier, not listing foods as good or bad, etc.). I don't even know if I want help? Is anyone going through this or have you? I could use help, and I'm more than willing to give advice, vent, talk to, so on. Thank you much.

missy33
Well, I am currently going

Well, I am currently going through the exact same thing. I have EDNOS, am getting help, but not sure if I want it all that much, yet am so overwhelmed. Do you feel so set in your ways that it seems to hard to change, because you like the comfort your e.d gives you and you want that control? And if you want to just vent, go ahead. I know the pain you are in.

elt2794
At times I want to get better

At times I want to get better, but for my family and friends who are worried for me. I should be getting better for me, too, shouldn't I? Do you feel that way, or not quite? And I'm very overwhelmed, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but I'm happy to know I'm not the only one with that opinion. It's hard to change, especially with feeling guilt for letting down my doctors and family as a way of forcing myself to change, but I suppose I'd rather myself to become a guilty someone who doesn't rely on food for intimacy than keep running in a destructive direction. And same for you, thanks! I'm more than willing to exchange. Fair is fair, isn't it? How far into treatment are you?

missy33
A lot of the time, I only

A lot of the time, I only want to change for my family and friends and doctors too. I am set in my ways and nervous to change since I have a pattern going that to me is comfortable (even though it is miserable) I know exactly what you mean. I do want to get better for myself in a way, since I am frustrated of always thinking about food. I had been seeing a counselor and dietitian on my college campus, but it wasn't really working, so now I am off campus and just started. I'm so nervous to change though..it scares me more than anything. i feel i can't change, not yet at least

elt2794
I don't understand how

I don't understand how treatment is supposed to help me, is all. They're telling me to do this, try this, but I feel they're getting angry with me when I tell them that I can't do that. And I don't know how to want myself to get better. I wish I did. With everything else in my life I'm trying to turn it around, just not the ED because I replace it for social interaction, intimacy, and I don't want to gain weight. But maybe if I get everything else in order, it will just fall into place?

missy33
Ya, I sometimes feel they get

Ya, I sometimes feel they get mad when I don't do what they say, but ultimately they know it is a hard process, and usually don't get too mad if I can't do something. Have you thought about switching places as to where you're getting help. And a for trying to get other things in place and replacing your e.d with everything else; I do that exact same thing. And as some of my life things are falling into place I just feel like good things shouldn't be happening to me. Like I feel guilty. But it could be possible, I will be optimistic for you that once things fall into place your e.d will get easier. I still think getting guidance though would be beneficial, if you can.

pmarie
Letting yourself change

It's true, you don't suffer your illness for your family's sake, so how could you recover for them? I think your expression, "relying on food for intimacy" says it all (or mostly!)

LegacyofLove
Hello elt2794 and missy33

First of all, I applaud you for reaching out through this wonderful forum. It's helped me tremendously. You are taking so many important steps towards a more healthy and loving relationship with yourself; and ultimately an ED-free life. Just know that there are good days, where you feel more encouraged, and difficult days where you may feel more discouraged. This is a normal process of recovery. It takes time, and just know that YOU are worth it, and YOU "can" do this!

The control that I felt when I was struggling with my ED, was simply the ED trying to gain control over my life. I can personally say, an ED-free life is more rewarding and fulfilling. It frees your mind, body and soul to better receive the many gifts life has to offer, and that YOU have to offer to others.

I found this NEDA link to be quite helpful at many points of my recovery. I hope you will find it equally helpful. Also, know that you can always call the NEDA Helpline (M-F/9am-5pm EST/800.931.2237). They are compassionate and confidential. They are a wonderful resource to either just listen, answer questions, or guide you towards additional helpful resources.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/recovery

Stay well and know that you are not alone!

elt2794
Thank you for the link, I'll

Thank you for the link, I'll be sure to look it over. And congratulations on your recovery!

pmarie
not isolating

Hi, I have had bulimia/anorexia more than half my life, and I'm old....I'm struggling to commit to giving up my BFF!

srg343
Change is a good thing

Hi pmarie,

I know it can be scary to make a change as drastic in your life as recovering from an ED, but you are absolutely moving in the right direction! For starters, you should check out the link that LegacyofLove posted above about the steps to recovery. Here it is again:

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/recovery

Second, I would really encourage you to call the NEDA helpline as soon as possible. You've taken the first step by using this forum to talk about your ED, and a great next step would be calling the helpline to talk through the difficulties of recovery, and/or seeing a therapist. You can learn more about getting treatment here:

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/treatment

Sometimes all you need is to talk to someone, so I encourage you to take these next steps!

java5
i"m new too

I am new to this too. My husband thinks my eating habits are poor and is worried about my health b/c sometimes I shake. But, I do eat. I go back and forth as to whether or not I have an ED. I too, am at my healthy weight. According to my BMI I am on the lower side of my healthy weight. I know my body and what I can eat- not eat (when to exercise) to stay where I need to be. I can tell if I have gained a pound or two w/o the scale and adjust my eating accordingly. I didn't think I thought much about what I eat-don't eat until I agreed w/ my husband to tell my therapist of his concerns and get a physical with my doctor. So now either the fear of change is making me focus more or I am just now realizing it more b/c it was brought to my attention. I do have a HUGE fear of being fat....to the point that I don't think I could live like that. I do look in the mirror every time I walk by it to examine my body (doesn't everyone?) The fear of someone telling me I have an ED and will have to change my eating habits scares me b/c I DO NOT want to gain weight. So anyway....I meet w/ my therapist on July 11, first session since I emailed him and told him of my husbands concerns. Have yet to schedule physical, waiting until I see what my therapist says. Thanks for listening. and good luck to you too!

srg343
Thanks for sharing

Hi java5,

Thanks so much for sharing on this forum, and I'm glad to hear that you've seen a therapist and are on the right track to a healthier lifestyle! Just so you know, your post has been partially edited for triggering content, just to ensure that it followed NEDA's policies. It's great to hear that you are already seeking help, and additionally you should know that you can also give the NEDA helpline a call whenever you just need someone to talk to (M-Th/9am-9pm EST, F/9am-5pm EST/800.931.2237). Based on the information you provided, it seems like this page about the factors that contribute to EDs and preventative measures you can take might be helpful to you in the meantime:

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/contributing-factors-prevention

Thanks again for sharing with the forum, and I wish you the best of luck! You're certainly on the right track.

lynrose13
new too

Hi, I'm new to this too. I'm 21 years old and have been struggling for about 5 years now . I thought at first it was anorexia only, but it has gotten worse and now am not sure what to call it. I have not started finding help, this is my first step. I understand a lot of what is being talked about here. I feel like this is the one thing in life that I can control . Because of that, I do it. I hope that treatment is going well for you all!

michael26
Hi again!

Hi again, lynrose13! Sorry that I didn't see this message first! haha

I can relate to how you feel that the ed is like the only thing you can control. I have been recovered for a little over a year now, so I might be able to help you gain perspective from this side of things. When I was in residential, I can remember one particular evening. It hit me like a train, and I realized that I had lost control over my life. It was absolutely a scary feeling, but it was one that helped me understand why I needed to recover.

Have you been able to recognize that you are different than the ed? Have you felt like you have the resources to start the recovery process? NEDA can help you with finding the resources.

Have you seen the Stories of Hope? Maybe they can help you relate better to others who have recovered! Here's the link:

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope

lynrose13
I signed up for a navigator a

I signed up for a navigator a little bit ago. I'm hoping that helps. Thank you I will check those out. I have been trying to differentiate myself from the ed but it's hard to know where it ends and I begin. I honestly don't remember who I was before the ed took over so it really feels like it's all a part of me. How did it hit you? If you don't mind me asking

_melyna_
its up to you

Im going trough the exact same thing but you know something? its up to you! no body is going to be there 24 hours because no one can help you better than your self so you have to be strong and say! I don't want to die because of an eating disorders we all love food we all want to be thin but we have to be strong and say I can control this. and little by little your going to recover it can last years the recovery is not from one day to another it takes time time will heal you honey I hope I helped a bit.

nanzhu
That's a great point melyna!

That's a great point melyna!
Recovery is usually a process that takes time and staying positive through the ups and downs is so important! EDs are dangerous because they do engrain themselves in you and it becomes harder and harder to escape that pull. It can slowly seep into you, which is why recovering can take just as long, if not longer. Don't give up and don't lose hope - we all deserve to be happy and healthy!