National Eating Disorders Association

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misskatie
How do I do this?

I've had an eating disorder for about the past 10 years. It was better at one point, but then I got married and, well, there are so many stressors with this situation that I can't even begin to name them all. My life exists to exercise and bury myself away from everything and to punish myself for everything. I work out over an hour every day and eat a certain number of calories a day. But I'm not underweight. I think my metabolism has slowed enough that it won't release much more. And honestly, much of the time I don't care if I'm hurting myself. But I know I should care. I know the right answers. I've been through counselling before.

But I'm so scared of gaining weight. I'd do about anything to not gain weight. And even though I get satisfaction from deprivation and punishment, I also want to be free. But at what cost? I'm scared that eating more and exercising less will result in an uncontrollable weight gain. I can't handle fat. How do I do this? Can anyone help me?

LegacyofLove
You Can Do This!!

Hi Misskatie,

Know that recovery is an ongoing journey with highs and lows. I applaud you for taking such a positive step towards seeking an ED-free life for yourself, by reaching out to others in this safe and confidential forum.

I feel like when you state you don't care if you're hurting yourself, that it's the ED that's actually creating that negative thought, not the healthy mindset I believe you possess. You're right, you should care, because YOU are worth this and worth continuing to want an ED-free life. I have faith in you and the resources and support available to help you through this challenging process.

You've mentioned you have been through counselling before. I would encourage you to explore the NEDA link below that can guide you towards a local counselor, as well as a support group, which I've found very helpful in my recovery. Remember, you can do this and you are not alone!

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-treatment

I would strongly encourage you to contact the NEDA Helpline as well, for additional guidance and support. They are trained, compassionate and confidential. You can click on the link below for the Helpline contact number and additional information.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline

Last but not least, I would like to share another NEDA link I've found helpful in maintaining a healthy and ED-free life worth living when facing slips, lapses and relapses in your recovery.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/slips-lapses-and-relapses

I would encourage you to focus on health and wellness, which is more important than weight, which creates a more loving relationship with your body and mind.

I hope this forum and the NEDA resources provide a healthy roadmap in your recovery. I believe in YOU and know YOU can do this!

Well wishes!

misskatie
Thanks for the links. I feel

Thanks for the links. I feel so hopeless and terrified of gaining weight. I'm scared of ballooning into a blimp if I eat more. The fear is so strong. But I want help.

Thanks for replying.

LegacyofLove
You Can Do This

misskatie,

I understand your eating disorder is causing this strong fear. I believe you are stronger than your ED, but it can be very difficult. Have you found help with the links I shared previously? Have you reached out to NEDA's wonderful Helpline? Have you been able to locate a local therapist or Primary Care Physician to share your current struggle with? I would strongly encourage you to do this.

I know personally, that when you're battling an ED, at times it can feel very isolating. Just know, you are not alone and there are great resources available to you and wonderful people that "want" to help you through this.

If you haven't yet contacted the Helpline, I would strongly encourage you to do so right away. #1.800.931.2237. They are an incredible resource and just a phone call away.

Please keep us posted. You can do this and we're here for you!