National Eating Disorders Association

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How to define recovery? I consider myself in recovery because I am no longer dying, but I am attached to my control

I restored my set weight, or the weight at which my period starts (typically, though it can skip on occasion or is sometimes quite brief or late)? The problem is that I am attached to a very precise number, and sometimes my period becomes an issue because I resist how weight naturally fluctuates.

The problem is that I am only (somewhat) comfortable within my pre-set rituals and same safe foods. I can't really eat in front of people, and if I have to, I get much worse. If I can't measure it, I become acutely uncomfortable and have disordered thoughts. Of course, dating is an issue; I try to avoid mealtimes, etc. I wish I could eat comfortably in front of my own mother. Lately, I've been finding myself eating less. The truth is that I don't feel like I need to break this because, after where I've been, I don't consider myself sick now. Physically, I am OK enough. The hope is for some semblance of control. I know that's never the case. But I feel so isolated and miserable.

I am in a strange head-space. This can't be recovery. Thoughts?

Post Edited

Hi Shaina28, welcome to the NEDA forums! Your post has been edited slightly to help ensure that it doesn't trigger any community members due to mentions of disordered eating behaviors and thoughts. You can review our forum guidelines here: Thanks for helping keep the community a safe place and we hope you continue to post. 

You're not alone!

If it's any comfort to you, you are not alone in feeling this way. I definitely relate to where you are. Through inpatient and therapy, I got mostly weight restored, but now, I'm stuck. If it helps, know that this is just a step I need. The recovery process, and you are so much farther along than you have been in the past! For that, I congratulate you! I know it takes a lot of strength and courage to get where you are. You should be so proud.
Honestly, I'm trying to find the answers too. Recovery isn't a linear process. Sometimes there are steps back and times where we're not moving at all. The important thing is to never give up and keep pushing forward. I'm trying a new approach now, since I have been so stuck in my routines and highly isolated in my "recovery". Along with my therapist and physician, I am going to see a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorders. I'm hoping to find someone who understands but who I can trust to get me better without just being concerned about being underweight again. I'm hoping she can help me become more flexible with my lifestyle and be able to be comfortable going out again. EDs are nasty because they act like addictions, but it's something we have to face every day for the rest of our lives. It sounds like you, similar to me, like structure. Use that set attitude to your advantage! Take this time to gain as much information as you can on how to live a flexible, healthy, happy life. I would highly recommend talking to a professional, one you feel you can trust (and one that understands that certain things that don't mean a lot to others are a big deal for us and can get excited about your progress!). I would also recommend ditching the scale. I do blind weigh-ins. Maybe someday I'll be able to see the number, but I know right now, it will just get me more stuck than I already am. I don't need that in my life. YOU don't need that in your life! You deserve to be happy and healthy and not have your days ruled by a silly number! We can do this. We can do this together!
All my love,

Lots of Hugs

Hi, I'm glad you have joined the group. I am sorry you are having a hard time. I really hope you will be ok soon, please keep posting. Lots of hugs.