National Eating Disorders Association

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lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione3-

Just wanted to check in & see how you are doing this week? <3 Thinking of you.

-Lovetowrite81

hermione3
Hi thanks for checking in and

Hi thanks for checking in and not well to be honest...my therapist feels I have regressed because i am not journaling or trying very hard she gets if i can't she just has seen me change but lately it has not been like that she cut our session short tonight and just told me to go home and go to sleep and we will make up the time later. she brought up long term trauma treatment again and i just can't i have to get out of this slump...i have big plans in october i don't want to miss it and my job and everything...i get i am not doing well but its just i don't want it to be that...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm sorry you feel like you're not doing well. I know you said journaling has been helpful for you so maybe you could set a small goal like every other day for 30 minutes or something to get back into it? I totally get it, I love to journal as a coping skill and have been slacking on it recently as well. I know how dedicated you are to your job, so continue to use that and your plans in October to motivate you in your recovery. Hang in there <3 Take it one day at a time, my friend.

hermione3
Thank you for the support. I

Thank you for the support. I am having a hard time just getting motivated my eating is not great and just not doing well overall..just depressed. I care about my job and i need to get back into the things that have been helping and just the past few weeks according to my therapist regressing and that is why she said higher level of care i was hardly talking last night so she was looking at places... i saw my psychiatrist last night too and i didn't even tell her how bad it is. so i texted her today to tell her and she is going to call my therapist. i am scared i can't do it and i am going to screw everything up...i am just not motivated i am so down.

Savedbygrace
Praying for you

I'm sorry you aren't doing well. Know you are loved on this forum. I know I don't know you in person, but here's a hug over the internet ((((((((hugs))))).
A higher level of care might be what's best. I know it's not ideal, but it can truly help. I've been inpatient twice over the past year.

hermione3
Thank you I feel very

Thank you I feel very supported in this community. I wish I could pull out of this. I have been inpatient not for trauma just eating disorder my therapist doesn't think eating disorder inpatient helps me...I just worry for my job and apartment I am head teacher I got a raise this year like I guess I have leave time or I think I do legally but I love my classroom and kids it's just always hard but things are not great...

hermione3
I see my therapist Wednesday

I see my therapist Wednesday i will talk this more over with her i can't seem to get back on track i just had my birthday weekend and it was good and all but now i am home and its like back to mood crashing like good to bad i had moments away but i was with my parents which is always weird for my mood these days...i dont' know i want to journal but don't have the energy and i am already thinking about my week and i am overwhelmed...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione3-

Happy Belated birthday! I'm glad to hear that you were able to have a good weekend. I am sorry things have been rough since then. Have you been able to journal at all? I hope your meeting with your therapist is fulfilling tomorrow & is able to give new clarity and perspective. Hang in there my friend <3

-Lovetowrite81

hermione3
Thank you for the support . I

Thank you for the support . I am kind of a mess now one of my parents talked to my boss and complained about my classroom and how it was better with the teacher who used to be in the room and all this other shit I was told by a coworker who overheard the conversation. I work so hard and now I feel myself questioning myself and what I do. I work so hard and hate this feeling of like what's the point ...I also got laryngitis probably emotionally related it often is I didn't sleep well at all woke up couldn't fall back asleep. Feeling so just done. I hope I get to see my therapist tomorrow as we cut it short last week due to my exhaustion. Just so much right now . I journaled a little last night when up but that's it.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm so sorry that happened to you at work. It is obvious that you are so passionate about what you do & I am sure you do a wonderful job. Just because one person doesn't recognize that is not an indication of your worth. You are impacting a lot of people positively and I hope you can see that. How did it go with your therapist today?

hermione3
Therapy was ok i have

Therapy was ok i have laryngitis so we went off what i wrote in my journal. she said my reaction to the parent thing at work was more because of other things and my laryngitis is emotional as it historically is for me she feels it was the weekend with my parents. i react big to other things rather than what i am upset about and what really is important. she didn't mention long term treatment again...she did like say some of the things i have said sound passively suicidal so do i need to be in the hospital i always say no. she talked to my psychiatrist too...they both feel time with my parents is bad for me. and my therapist found an article on complex ptsd and feels that is really what i have its from more long term abuse and it talked really about how i react to things and how I am. it all made sense i have read it before but it felt it related to me but feels more real now from my therapist. its not an actual diagnosis but it feels like me i don't need more labels it just makes sense to me. my writing was enough she said to use positive self talk which i suck at but she also said to challenge myself and thoughts as i am often wrong. she said to keep up journaling and really keep doing it. she feels i regress when i am with my parents and go back to this sad hopeless self who wants to starve and self harm...i weighed myself today and i know it is lower than last time i saw my nutritonist and i see her saturday i am not supposed to lose so trying to follow my meal plan this week last week was a bit of a bust...and i have sort of been lying to her about the days i do restrict but was completely honest on these food logs...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I hope you are having a relaxing weekend & you are doing better with your laryngitis! That's really interesting about the PTSD article. What did it say that resonated with you differently? I agree that it doesn't need to be a label or restriction, but it can help you to understand how your past circumstances may affect some of your reactions and behaviors even still. How did it go with your nutritionist? I agree that continuing to journal sounds like a good idea and challenging the negative thoughts you're having <3 Keep up the hard work of recovery- you're doing it, continuing on, and that is incredible.

hermione3
Thank you I am going a little

Thank you I am going a little better with my laryngitis. I had a phone session last night and I feel it didn't go all that well because I am just struggling and my therapist just feels I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing to get out of the depression I am in I just don't feel motivated I lost weight at my nutritionist so my therapist wasn't thrilled. I really am not trying that hard I have journaled but not as much I did last week when I had no voice I just don't know. I am not doing great at taking care of myself.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm glad you are doing a little better in terms of laryngitis. I can totally understand the lack of motivation you are feeling as I have been there. It's unfortunately a vicious cycle- being stuck in depression, no motivation, so we don't take care of ourselves and remain in that depression. Have you used any tricks in the past that have helped you to boost motivation?

hermione3
Thanks for the support I don

Thanks for the support I don't really know what had helped in my the past. I am trying to focus on more positive things my therapist said I am focusing too much on the negative things in my head it's just hard to stop that for me sometimes. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week so I am going to bring all this up. My therapist just doesn't feel I am trying because I am not really doing what she is asking and I restricted today and yesterday which I know she doesn't want she wants me to take care of myself. I had a cough on the phone with her Monday she was like have you been to the doctor I just said it would go away she said perfect example of how I am not taking care of myself or won't ...I need to get out of this I am just tired and struggling..

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I'm sorry that you are struggling. It is definitely easy for us to dwell on the negative sometimes- but yeah, I think trying to train ourselves to meditate on the positive is a really good idea. I'm glad you are planning to bring it up with your psychiatrist! Have you been back on track with your meal plan for the rest of the week? I know you must feel like you're disappointing your therapist, but just know that she will remain supportive of you unconditionally- if you are following her advice or straying off path. Keep doing the best you can, taking it day by day <3 That's all we can do.

-Lovetowrite81

hermione3
Thanks not great with the

Thanks not great with the meal plan this week but plan on getting back on track hopefully. The scale has been my enemy and just stress and depression and just ptsd stuff has been rough I just need a break but I am trying to be positive about some things and journaling positive feelings I need to journal more what I am feeling even negative because I have therapy tomorrow I am not going to lie about my meal plan even though I fear her reaction. I am not doing great taking care of myself but trying to just sleep and get out of the negative...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Try not to focus too much on the past week- I know you will be able to get back on track soon! That's great you are going to be more intentional about journaling whatever you are feeling. How was therapy today?

hermione3
Thanks for the support.

Thanks for the support. therapy was actually really good yesterday but then something happened last night that threw me off completely emotionally it had to do with my brother always a big trigger and just made me overall emotional so i texted my therapist she didn't actually respond so then i journaled about it and i have bought new journals to keep me motivated to journal as my therapist really think it helps me put things in perspective and i realize a lot when i journal and write things out. i even admitted to the restricting as to not lie to her and she was proud i even admitted that i felt weak and tired from restricting for once not glamorizing it and being happy about it i feel discouraged and she was proud of me for that even though on some level she knows i still get a high and want to do it on some level. she also realizes i do want to get back on track as i feel i am letting her down right now. she knows i am just struggling. she doesn't want me to go on vacation with my family because she knows she will have to deal with the fall out but she also respects why I am going because they paid for it and it is scheduled and planned and i agreed a long time ago so although against what she feels is good for me she respects me as a person for my reasons. a weekend away with them was a mess a whole week will not be great but i know i can contact her and we can maybe do a phone session while i am away i have my own room or just call her for a quick talk.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hello! How is your week going? Let's focus on the positives: You were able to be honest with your therapist- which is wonderful. And you were able to take the initiative to journal when you were triggered & experiencing a lot of strong emotions. So those are definitely two wins :) And most of all, you want to get back on track and you are persevering. When is the vacation with your family?

hermione3
Thanks for the support not

Thanks for the support not sure I am so great. I saw my therapist yesterday she said I need to get it together and I see my nutritionist Saturday and she said I have 2 1/2 days to do the right things or look at other options I know what that means...I weighed myself this morning it is less than it was but idk if it is too low to them I might gain it back if I follow my meal plan but idk I just don't want other options just struggling ...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

What else happened during your therapy appointment? How have you been doing with your meal plan this week? Hang in there <3 It will all be okay.

hermione3
I have not done great on my

I have not done great on my meal plan trying to end the week better. Saw my psychiatrist she said I didn't look great like healthy like my skin color etc. she said not weight related just sick looking and she asked like do I want to go to treatment like what do I want to do . She is changing my meds a little and brought up ECT she said to think about it she is not making me or anything just think about it. I said it scares me she gets it. She asked if I was suicidal if I have a plan I said I do know how I would but I am not right now although she said she knew I would say no but she said to be in touch too.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

I see-- have your feelings changed at all regarding treatment? I know how much it scares you, though it may be what needs to happen for your recovery. I hope your weekend is going better in terms of your meal plan. Hang in there <3

hermione3
my feelings have not really

my feelings have not really changed on treatment. i can't go on like this saw my nutritionist today she told me i cannot lose more weight and my therapist basically told me i have to start eating she said fight back against my negative feelings and just try to hold onto what i do have with my job and all the things i care about. ECT is a scary thought but i have tried lots of treatments and medications but my psychiatrist just made a change in my meds and is going to try something else so hopefully that will make a difference she said just think about the ECT as it is a commitment as well that would probably require time off work too and it horrifies me...like memory loss and things like that. i hope my mood shifts somehow. my psychiatrist said she doesn't know if my mood is so low because i am malnourished and not eating or so low its hard to eat or sort of both...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione3- I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Hopefully with the new meds, there will be some improvement! ECT does sound scary- I totally see where you are coming from with that. It definitely seems like a vicious cycle- malnourishment lowers mood, which lowers drive to eat, which lowers mood- factors that are all playing into each other. I think that is good advice from your therapist, to try to keep the reasons you want to recover in the fore-front: because of your jobs & goals & things that matter to you. I will be thinking of you & praying for you this week <3

hermione3
thank you for your continued

thank you for your continued support. i hope there will be some improvement and i see my psychiatrist next month and she is checking in at the end of the week as she upped one of my meds she wants to know if i feel better though she is not sure i will being honest with me as i am with her. i have followed my meal plan yesterday and today and it was super hard but i did it. i still feel like crap but it takes time and i know that and i see my nutritionist again Saturday and then i have vacation with my parents which might lead to negative reactions. i am tired and struggling i just want to sleep right now ...and i am hardly motivated to work right now i am doing it but i am stressed and tired...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Of course <3 I have hope that there will be some improvement as well. That's awesome that you have been able to follow your meal plan- it's so hard, but you have worked through it! Proud of you. You are right-- it does take time. All you can do is take it one step at a time and keep moving forward. Have you been journaling at all this week? Lol we probably need to start a new thread soon (:

hermione3
Thanks I am trying my

Thanks I am trying my psychiatrist called in a new medication just trying it out before we jump to ECT I have to talk to her more about that and I am trying t to eat better I really am it's just majorly hard. I am tired and I should be journaling more maybe I will tonight it tomorrow since I see my therapist tomorrow today is also the 2 year anniversary of my friends death she died of her eating disorder

lovetowrite81
Herione3

It's good that you are giving the medication a chance to see what happens with that. I'm sorry to hear about the anniversary of your friend's passing. Were you able to journal? What kind of emotions does thinking about it stir for you?

hermione3
It makes me sad I miss her

It makes me sad I miss her everyday and I know we made this deal the night before she died that we would really work hard and fight our eating disorder she had been doing better it was just too late we promised we would do it together. My heart breaks and I just wish always she was here she was my person we were like soul mates. My therapist talked to her mom and said that was hard and her mom texted me and it was just sad. My therapist said to me Wednesday when I saw her don't rush death you have already done damage have almost died live your life and don't let this ruin it. I am having a hard time with stuff and we planned for my vacation with my parents we can have like 30 minute phone sessions I can just be alone and talk as it will probably bring up a lot. It's just a struggle like I don't want to bring my supplements on vacation so my parents don't know I need them so I am hoping I am up enough this weekend but I have been weighing myself and am hardly up if at all and I have been doing what I am supposed to...

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

That's all really difficult. I can imagine that you miss her so much. I'm so sorry for the loss you have had to endure. Keep doing what you're doing & following your meal plan-- and your body should adjust to where it should be <3 When do you leave for the vacation?

hermione3
Thanks, i leave for vacation

Thanks, i leave for vacation next Wednesday...see hwo that goes i am trying...its hard but have followed my meal plan since Sunday..its a struggle.

lovetowrite81
Hermione3

Hi Hermione3-- how are you doing? Just wanted to let you know that I hope your vacation goes well, and I will be thinking of & praying for you during your time with your family <3 You're amazing- keep taking it day by day.

kayleigh91
Supplements

You are working so hard towards your goal of recovery. I say, bring your supplements with and if they ask, say that they help you to stay in recovery and its what you need. Recovery can be a little selfish sometimes, but its okay. You deserve a healthy life.

hermione3
thank you i know you are

thank you i know you are right.i should bring them i just never do when i go away with them.