National Eating Disorders Association

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Gumer
Help

I am new to this, world of ED. I am due to be married in July, and I have made it a point to have no secrets in the closet, trust is huge for me as I have been married and cheated on before. I promised myself that if I married again I would be sure that i knew what who they were as well as they knew who I was. Then I meet my soon-to-be-wife. She has a smile that can brighten up a room, a laugh that is contagious, and a heart of gold. She has been dealing with ED since she was 18. She has gotten help intermittently and treatment worked. She then lost her job, and the ability to get treatment and have the ability to pay for help. She has a great support team, but she fails to let them help. She finally has opened up to me about a week ago that ED has re-appeared with a glem in his eye to bring her down again. I must also point out, that one of my fiancee's better friends who was also battling with ED, committed suicide 3 weeks ago. She was to be in out wedding......that was the stressor. JH (fiancee) attended the wake and also a memorial service and those feeling mixed with feelings of guilt and sadness I think gave ED the opportunity to re-appear. While my fiancee was at the memorial service she helped clean her friends apartment, where she found a book, Living with ED. I have read this book and have made notes, provided daily offerings and unconditional love. God, I love this woman, I tell her that everyday, however, she still is strugggling and I don't know what to do. I am or will be her rock, we have had conversations that she promises me to call me if she needs talked out hearing the voices, ED, Ms. Perfect, Workout instructor, Financial advisor, she hears them all. She calls or tells me after that fact, like today where she was going to go exercise because she wanted to, but stopped and binged on sandwich and chesse fries and then followed ED's instructions. I am like a sponge wanting to read and learn everything that I can so I can associate with her thoughts, feelings and desires. Thankfully, once our marriage is final I can add her onto my insurance and get her seeing a professional. I have also found support groups in our area for both her and for us as a couple battling with ED. I realize that this is not a sprint to the finish battle, this a long process to recovery, I am ok with that, I am in for the long haul. I am struggling on what is right to say or what is taboo to say to her. I also need to vent my anger when she relapses, and I don't want to express that to her, because she needs me to be stronger and support her. I am lost, confused and afraid that my wife may only be my wife for limited time, as the damage is starting to add up and her psychological outlook of herself is misguided. Thank you for reading and offering support.

michael26
Hello Gumer!

You sound like you are an awesome partner for your wife-to-be! The fact that you have posted on this forum for help indicates that you do indeed love her!

As a male recovered from an eating disorder, I can relate to how your wife struggles but not as well as perhaps a female. From my experiences I can relate to how you feel such angst when you are unable to prevent your wife-to-be from ED behaviors. I know that there is a fuzzy line between supporting her and being a therapist for her. Have you guys been in group therapy before? Certainly it is near impossible to support her without getting confused yourself and doing things that only her therapist should do.

Have you tried to calling the NEDA Helpline? They can direct you to a qualified specialist that you two can see for group therapy. The number is 1-800-931-2237.

By the way, congratulations! I hope your wedding is amazing! If there is any thing I can answer for you maybe, please let me know.

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