National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
GREAT NEWS!!!!

Hi everyone. I am super excited right now as I just finished up with my defensive driving course. They said it should take six hours. NOT.. I logged in about fourteen hours. I wrote a lot down for the test to refer back to. When I called them for help, they said it was a minimum of six hours, mandatory. Well, I was way beyond six hours. For two and a half days I have been hammering out questions and reading on the computer screen which I really don't like to do. The first test I got a score of 75, you need an 80 to pass. The second time I got a 90!!!! So I will have 2 points off my record and a reduction in my insurance.

I have the stomach bug again which is not good. But life goes on. If I were me two years ago, I would not be able to be remaining sane from not having a car and not being able to drive. But God is doing a work in me, even though I am struggling with my prayer life and devotional time. He is still there for me regardless and is helping me so much. Sill behavior free and I owe it all to God, my friends who pray for me, and my parents and myself for resisting temptation, making it known when I am having negative thoughts, and just really wanting recovery.

I wish all of you a peaceful nights rest and for those already sleeping, sweet dreams.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it inspires someone. There was a long long time that I didn't want to live, and I found a scripture that goes like this, I will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. Psalm 118:17, I think. I find my user name is a testimony in itself as I wanted to die since I was very little. Now, at age 49+ I am starting to get ready to live. No more hospitals, programs. If necessary, if I fall back, which I don't plan on happening, I will be able to start moving forward. Take care.

julesthefox
Thank you.

You are a light to us all. All your comments and posts have shown so much strength, growth, love, and support. You are such an inspiration to us all. You WIll live, and you give us hope that maybe we can too. Maybe there is a reason for someone like me...maybe, like you, I can find my place.
I have been struggling a lot with feeling guilty, ashamed, and generally worthless. Seeing this today and how well you are doing and your determination and faith...you give me hope. You always have. Never has one of your posts not touched me in some way. You are truly an amazing and uniquely compassionate person...so thank you. Thank you for giving me that hope for today <3
Keep staying strong. You are succeeding. You are living.

iwanttolive
julesthefox

Hi julesthefox. I am in awe of your response. Thank you for encouraging me. Now my mind has problems, with remembering. You used to post here a lot, correct? And then you hadn't, and now you're back? Is that right?

First, the light you see in me comes from Jesus. I am nothing without Him and would be lost without Him.

I am so sorry that you're suffering so much. About feeling worthless, that is a lie. Often we have to distinguish what is Truth and what is a lie. Just the fact that you are a child of God, preplanned, from before the beginning of time, to be born at the right time, with purpose, should help you with feeling worthless. God didn't make a mistake when He made you. Over time things pile up and people say things and we do things and people are mean to us and say nasty things, and that could make one feel worthless. Do you read the Bible. Psalm 139 you might find helpful. If you can't find it, google it because I think it will help you. Where is the guilt coming from? I guess shame fits well with guilt. No one born on this entire planet is perfect. Only Jesus. He takes our shame and carried it to the cross so we don't have to carry it. No one on this planet from the beginning of time hasn't hurt someone's feelings, hasn't done things that we didn't want to do, said things we really didn't mean to say. God's grace and forgiveness is available for all that ask. So in terms of feeling guilt and shame, you can hand them over to Jesus and let Him take them from you so you don't have to be burdened by why whatever you are feeling shame for. All people, everyone of us, need Jesus love and His help. You can ask Him to come and help you with the feelings of shame and guilt and worthlessness. That is the gift given to us. He is the lifter of our heads.

Again, thank you for your kind words. It has become a passion of mine to help encourage those who are going through what I went through for thirty years. It feels good to know God is using me.

I am by far perfect. I still have to start dealing with my past which was put on hold for several months. Bad things happened and I am unaware of what was done to me but my therapist says it is significant. I will need support when I start going through that process.

You are brave, and I am glad to "see" you again. God bless,
iwanttolive

julesthefox
iwanttolive

I can never thank you enough for your kind words and support. You and some others on this forum have kept me going through my darkest times. Sometimes I wish I could meet you in person and give you all hugs. Know I'm sending love through the internet.
Yes, there was a time that I posted more often. I've been posting here and there, but it's hard sometimes when I feel so stuck like this. I want to be there and help people, but I know those farther along in recovery will have better advice than me. I do read all the posts and comment when I can. I have seen your journey, and am in awe. You are so strong and courageous. You give me hope that there is a future, and one worth trying for. I need that more than I always like to admit.
You are a beautiful voice of support and comfort when it is needed. I think part of that comes from what you've struggled with: You know what it's like, you can empathize and understand, but you also know that it gets better. And that is beyond amazing to see.
Sometimes I feel like in order to be able to really help people, you need to have gone through something that deepened your understanding of yourself and others. It's why we can find community here on the forums. And it's why your words mean so much <3
Always,
Julesthefox

mameegan
big smiles

I'm beaming reading this!!!!! i am celebrating with you! lots of love to you. you have worked very hard for a life that makes you happy and peaceful!!!!

iwanttolive
mameegan

Thank you. How have you been? I wish you a nice day.

lovetowrite81
Iwanttolive

YAY Iwanttolive- that's fantastic! Congratulations on the completion of your driving course!

So proud of you for all of your progress & how far you've come-- for continuing to choose recovery & trust in God in whatever comes your way. I was thinking about that a few days ago... your username. You truly want to live. And you are living, continuously working towards coming into the abundant life that God has for you <3

Thank you for sharing your testimony. It's an honor to be able to walk alongside you in this journey! You are a blessing to us all.

-Lovetowrite81