National Eating Disorders Association

2 posts / 0 new
Last post
Fiance binge eats and blames me

Hello, I'm new here. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. My tween daughter also lives with us. My fiance has always had body image issues and obsesses over his weight. He weighs himself multiple times a day, he refuses to eat all day long (as long as food isn't around), but at night or whenever food is around he binge eats. He put timed locks on the fridge and makes me hide food that's out when fridge is locked. If he finds it he eats it all or in the early morning when fridge gets unlocked he'll eat large amounts of food, even food that belongs to my kid. He tells me all the time he hates food and that he's starving but has never in his 39 years has felt full. He refuses to get help, won't eat dinner as a family (he eats his own food, the same dinner every night) but then binges the leftovers. He gets furious and screams if I try to talk to him about it. Last night was the icing on the cake though. My daughter was making a gingerbread house and he was about to eat part of it before it was finished (I had just bought it for her to replace the one he had eaten in the middle of the night) and I calmly told him not to. 5 minutes later he walked over and broke a big piece of the roof off and ate it and then when I asked him about it he lost it! Screaming at me telling me it's my fault for having it sitting on the table where he can get to it. He admits he has a problem but says we have to change not him. I'm at a complete loss.... especially since he hasn't talked to me since last night. Any advice would be great!

Getting real.

Boy, this sounds like a difficult situation !
And yes, the episode with the gingerbread house. What does he hope to accomplish by proving, right in front of the both of you, that his impulses are totally out of control ?
And despite the outrageous nature of that, you are the ones who will have to change, and not him ? Like how exactly are you supposed to change ? And if you were to change, things would "get better"….how ?
As you said, he knows full well that he has a problem. And knows that it's a problem for all of you. Because just look at all of the turmoil it causes.
I know you two have been together for many years, and that you've invested a lot in the relationship. But I think you also know that his behaviors are getting to the point where he can't control them, and that they are becoming a deal-breaker, and that things are unlikely to get better unless he makes a commitment to getting some outside help.
One other thing to keep in mind the fact that men aren't always comfortable about confronting what they know to be shortcomings. Which is where therapy can come in. The situation can be different in therapy, than it is when you guys try and confront things within the context of your relationship. In the relationship he's got all these emotional things to defend, whereas in therapy it's different and he may be able to talk more openly ?
Ugh, I hate ultimatums, but things may have reached a point where you'll need to submit one. It sounds to me like you'd be hesitant to formalize your commitment to him through marriage, now that you've seen the sort of effects that his eating disorder is having on him. And would he really blame you for feeling that way ?
At the same time, I think you'll need to show respect for how difficult this must be for him. No fellow likes to feel like he's out of control, and he may be dealing with some depression as well. Plus imagine how frustrated with himself he must feel. So things are tough on him too. But at the same time, it's not really your responsibility to fix him. That's something that he'll need to take charge of himself. Which he knows that he's not being successful at all with right now.
So it's going to mean being willing to take some risks with therapy I think. Which is a theme that you might want to go with. The "taking some risks" part I mean. Being willing to take risks - that's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength instead, which is how you may want to frame it with him.
Because as things stand now, nothing seems to be going in a good direction at all.
And even he may be willing to agree with that ?