National Eating Disorders Association

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ernestodelacruz
sick of failure

Im 18 and in college and over the past 5 or 6 months ive developed a really bad binge eating problem and it makes me feel like such a failure because before my ed started, I had recently lost a lot of weight in 2020 and I was feeling really good about myself and my body. I lost weight in a really unhealthy way though which was by undereating and over exercising. I know I wasnt healthy back then either but I liked the way I looked and now I can barely look in a mirror without feeling so ashamed of what im doing to my body. Everyday after I overeat and feel so full I tell myself tomorrow I'll do better, tomorrow i'll eat less but the next day I try and i cave in so easily?? I feel like i used to have such good will power but now im so weak around food. I think about food constantly and it distracts me from doing things i used to love so much. I cant get through 1 episode of a show without getting up and going to the kitchen. I end up bingeing so hard on just random stuff we have in the house like cereal and bananas but i eat so much of it i make myself sick. im afraid to tell my family because i feel they'll be disgusted by me and theyll tell me to 'just eat normally'.
sorry for the rant i just needed to vent i guess. can anyone else relate?

ernestodelacruz
ernestodelacruz

update! It feels really hopeless sometimes. I usually binge right after lunch and I dont know why.Like ive sat down and ate my meal and suddenly I feel this incredible urge to eat more(usually something sweet) I try to resist the urge and drink so much water to the point i feel uncomfortable but it doesnt work and I end up caving. i feel so sick of myself and I feel like its hopless trying to break the cycle after lunch. Does anyone have any advice for this? Id really appreciate it

ernestodelacruz
stuck in the cycle

update again! Im new to the forums so I hope im not posting too much but I honestly have no one else to talk about this with. Its morning where I am rigth now and I feel fine and I havent had the urge to binge. Usually in the mornings im totally fine and I dont really feel the urge to binge regardless of whether Im busy or not. Its lunch time that always gets me. Right after lunch I feel like i have to keep eating or eat something sweet. But the urge is so powerful and so strong that it truly feels hopeless trying to break it. I distract myself I go for walks i drink water but it feels inevitable that i will end up overeating. Its honestly such a terrible feeling but i cant figure my way around it. I honestly dont know what i could do at this point to break this horrible cycle. everyday I feel myself slowly losing myself to this disorder. I constantly think about food and its so distracting and strong that I cant concentrate on anything. If anyone has any advice or if anyone can relate, id really appreciate it. I hope everyone stays safe
-e.delacruz

lovemeplease
i can relate

yes my condition is similar to yours.Excessive sweet treats and sweet drinks after a meal.So many times i drink too much which makes me feel i am about to vomit. Really uncomfortable and guilty at that time, but i just can't stop.

ernestodelacruz
im sorry youre struggling too

im sorry to hear youre also struggling but hopefully we can find some kind of comfort in the fact that were not alone in our eating habits. Its really hard to talk about this kind of stuff so thank you for commenting. When i found out that binge eating recovery is a slow process and its not linear i felt so alone and hopeless but im just trying to take things one day at a time i guess and im trying to count the little wins along the way. One day we'll be free of this cycle, we just have to keep going.

lovemeplease
We are together

Big hugs for you. Yes it certainly takes a long time to recover and I believe we will all make it through. I will be with you at the other part of the world. Yesterday a lot of things just suddenly popped up which made me feel really overwhelmed to catch up with them. It just worsened my situation. I severly sufferred from the feeling of guilt and powerlessness when experiencing binge eating at the night alone. However today, I just decided to start solving these problems .Though I just have done little of those, I still got the feeling that I have achieved something today. And my situation of binge eating is not as worse as the yesterday. But I'm not sure if tomorrow I will experience a night of craving food again. I hope my experience today will be a little helpful to you. It's a long process as you say. So let's just not be too harsh on ourselves and maybe do something eles to divert attention. Tons of hugs and love for you again.

lovemeplease
again

I just open up a snack and when I eat it the strong desire of craving more just comes back again when I eat it. It's just so struggling.

_admin_moderator
Some support

Hi Lovemeplease, we are glad you are reaching out to the forums and want you to remember that NEDA is here for you. Recovery can be difficult, but if you feel like you need to reach out for some support, you can call or chat to the helpline. the NEDA helpline is  800-931- 2237 and the chat link, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/helplinechat. We also wanted to let you know we edited your post to remove eating disorder habits and specific foods, which can be triggering to others. This goes against our community guidelines, that you can review here. We hope you find the support you are looking for and keep posting! 

ernestodelacruz
im right here with you

honestly youre so nice and its very reasuring to know someone else knows and understands what im going through. Youre right that we may be in different parts of the world but we both know what its like to struggle with that feeling of overwhelming hopelessness and lack of control when it comes to food. In theory it seems so easy to just eat until you are full and then stop but there are so many factors that can effect our relationship with food. Today I had somehting sweet after lunch because I caved into the overwhelming urge but because there were so many family members around, I didnt binge out of embarrassment and fear which I guess is a good thing but I know this is not a temporary solution. We will get through this, we just gotta take it one day at a time and keep having hope that this cycle of binging can be broken. I have faith in you, and I know you are so strong and you can get through this. We have to be kind to ourselves and patient and its okay to relapse. Progress and change aren't linear. Thats what I try to tell myself which I know is easier said than done but Im trying to stay hopeful!

ernestodelacruz
again

I understand this feeling all too well too. I tell myself 'well eating one banana wont hurt me obviously' or ' eating one muffin wont make me gain a lot of weight, i'll probably be fine' and i start to feel safe, i start to convince myself that continuing to eat is not that bad and its no big deal. So i eat one more banana or one more muffin and its like once i get a taste for it, the urge to eat more and more of that sweet thing is so overwhelming and strong that it feels impossible to stop myself from continuing to eat.

lovemeplease
Food is not harmful but we

Food is not harmful but we just need more time and patience to enjoy it in a healthier way. Speaking of weight, I notice that you are very concerned about your weight and I am same with you. So many times I imagine myself go to the gym and eat all just healthy food. I will have a slim figure within a few months and every of my close family or friends who think I am a bit overwheight will be surprised.

lovemeplease
Sorry I post this part twice

.

lovemeplease
But I didn't have time and

But I didn't have time and didn't know how to start in the gym. So I just irrationally restricted my calories intake. I used to estimated the calories of everything I eat. It would last for a month and during that time I became easy to get mad and depressed. But at the same time, I was so satisfied about my so-called achievement. I lost like X but eventually I would go back and even put on more weight just as you said before. I had tried for a few times but it just turned out to be a vicious circle. Once I restrict too hard, I will collapse at a certain point and eat more for compensation. The feeling of guilt and being out of control is worst.

_admin_moderator
Dear lovemeplease, we would

Dear lovemeplease, we would like to inform you that we edited your post to remove the weight number, whcih is not allowed on the forums. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please continue to post! 

lovemeplease
I don't restrict my food

I don't restrict my food intake harshly anymore but I never truly enjoy the food. I can't stop thinking how much weight I will put on when eating. When I experience binge eating, the feeling of guilty is so hard to handle and fear of gaining weight just makes me eat uncontrollably.

lovemeplease
I think our body just knows

I think our bodies just know how to balance our weight and it will find a point in moderation. Maybe our weight doesn't meet their standards but as long as it is not harmful to our health, it's okay to be in this way. Someday I just hope we can all accept our weight without anxiety, quit binge eating and truly enjoy the food.

ernestodelacruz
its hard to love how you look

its so hard to love the way you look without thinking if only i was thinner if only i weighed less if only i ate healthier. Its so hard to try and balance liking the way your body looks and the relationship you have with food. Im so sorry you have struggled with wanting to weight loss and you even passed out due to restriction it sounds like you have been through so much. Just like you said I also cant eat a meal without being scared like oh my god how many calories does this have how much will i weigh after this. Everytime I get hungry I think of how I might end up binge eating again. The lack of control is so scary just like you said

ernestodelacruz
you are so strong

I think youre right, our bodies need time to find good moderation and as long as we are healthy and have a good relationship with food it doesnt matter what other people tell us we should or shouldnt look like. I know one day we will look in the mirror and like how we look or at least we will be okay with our bodies and we will have better relationships with food and be binge free. You are so strong!! Youve been through so much but youre still here fighting and trying everyday you should be proud of yourself! Im glad you dont restrict anymore as harshly! I am also trying not to restrict so much anymore and its so scary but I think it is helping a little bit. I know its so hard trying not to focus on weight and looks but you deserve to be happy with your body and you deserve to eat and not feel guilty!! We can do this!

ernestodelacruz
I relate to what youre saying

after I eat something i feel guilty and i think about how it will make me gain weight and I feel like such a failure that I want to just keep eating. But i try to tell myself that if I keep eating i will never break out of the cycle. I think its easier said than done but everyday I will keep trying because I know one day I can be binge free and so can you!! We'll get through this. One day you will enjoy food and not feel scared when youre going to eat.

lovemeplease
You are so nice

Thank you so much for that every of your comment contains so much encouragement and understanding. It's really relieving to receive replies like this. I feel that we really share a lot in common and you know exactly what i've been through. A kind girl like you will sure to get through this.

ernestodelacruz
thank you too!

i also appreciate you writing back to me all the time and making me feel less alone. I really feel like we share the same struggles and we will get through this together! Oh by the way im not a girl lol! Im nonbinary and go by they/them pronouns :) I appreciate you and I know you can overcome this and be binge free one day!

ernestodelacruz
update

today i binged which made me sad because i felt like i was finally making progress but I ate so much junk food my stomach hurt so bad. I feel like it was because i was home alone and im stressed with finals for school and yesterday my whole family came over to my house and all my tios and tias were commenting on my body and it made me feel so bad about myself. Im trying to stay positive but it can be really hard right after a binge

ernestodelacruz
update

its finals week for me so ive been more stressed than usual. I binged yesterday, i didnt eat until i was uncomfortable but i was just overly full and everyhting i ate was unhealthy and it made me feel like such a failure and then this morning i had a big final exam and I was so stressed but right now theres no healthy food in my house since we havent gone shopping in like 2 weeks so I ate food that made me feel slow and lazy and so far it has not been a good morning but I just finished my test and drank some water and Im trying to stop thinking about food and how much i hate the way i look. Its really hard but im sure this will pass I just have to believe in myself and be patient and stay in tune with my hunger cues. A lot of the times ill start making food or ill start eating even when im not hungry but I feel like I have nothing better to do or I just dont know what else to do with how I feel so I eat

ernestodelacruz
update

I feel so sick yesterday I barely ate anything at all and then today in the morning I binged so hard and I wont say how many calories because I know that can trigger some people but i was counting and it was so much and I felt so disappointed with myself and i just felt so disgusted and ashamed with myself. So i promised myself I wouldnt eat teh rest of the day but I caved. I feel like such a failure and it feels like every time i weigh myself I just keep getting fatter and im so scared and I dont know what to do anymore.

ernestodelacruz
another update

It just feels so hopeless sometimes. Like I know I should eat normally and I see other people do it but why does it feel so impossible for me. i feel so gross and fat and like i'll never be able to control myself. And everytime I eat something my mom asks ' really? youre gonna eat all that?' or she'll say ' wow you ate all of that??" after I finish a meal. it makes me feel so gross and like i dont deserve to eat and it makes me want to cry but i just cant starve myself no matter how hard ive tried i just end up caving and binging. Ive purged and chewed and swallowed and ive slept through hunger but i just always end up in a cycle of shame. Sorry if this is heavy. But no one in my family knows how hard ive been struggling. all they see is me gaining weight and i feel they only liked me when i was underweight so a part of me desperately wants to go back to being underweight. I thought once my college classes were over, my stress would be gone so I would stop binging but it hasnt gone away and I just dont know how to do this anymore. I never wanna leave my house im so ashamed of my body and when I look in the mirror I feel like vomitting and crying. Sorry if this is too heavy. Can anyone else relate?

ernestodelacruz
update

I know its not healthy but lately ive been trying to eat as little as possible because it makes me feel good. I know this is wrong but I cannot stop. I go maybe one or two days eating as little as possible and then the next day I binge in the night. I know im being self destructive but i feel so lost and like I have no where to turn to and no solution. I feel so ashamed

_admin_moderator
Hi ernestodelacruz, thank you

Hi ernestodelacruz, thank you for posting on the forums. We’re glad you’re here. We’re sorry to hear what’s been going on. You described some concerning feelings; if you ever feel like you are in crisis, please text "NEDA" to 741-741 or www.crisistextline.org , or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 

We also encourage you to reach out to our confidential NEDA Helpline for help finding support options and resources at 800.931.2237 M-Th 11am-9pm ET and F 11am-5pm ET. You can chat with us online M-Th 9am-9pm ET and F 9am-5pm ET. Please don’t hesitate to reach out - you matter, and you are not alone.