National Eating Disorders Association

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pblover
i don't know how to like myself anymore

i developed an eating disorder during my first year of college. i became obsessed with losing weight. even though i lost my period, my hands were always purple bc i was so cold, i skipped social events because i didnt want to go over my calories, and i binged whenever i drank, i still loved being skinny. i saw it as an identity, and i placed all of my self worth in my weight. my senior year of college, we were sent home due to covid. then, i binged all the time and stopped tracking calories since i didnt have the pressure of seeing anyone i knew and i assumed i would lose the weight before i went back to school. eventually, i gained back the weight i lost in college, and i started to hate myself. i thought i was a failure and that everyone would think i had glowed down / let myself go. so i hid from all of my friends for a year and tried a bunch of fast methods to lose weight. these diets always failed bc my body was still demanding so much food. now, i have shared my ED story with my friends and apologized for being so distant. i am excited to see them again, but i am so so so nervous. i am no longer partaking in any anorexic behaviors and i'm not underweight, but i still had ED thoughts. i hate looking in the mirror, i hate taking photos of myself, i hide from people i recognize in public, and whenever i see someone i haven't seen since before the pandemic, i just obsess over how they are judging me for gaining weight. i truly dont know how to like myself or gain back the confidence that i had when i was at my skinniest. i feel like hiding forever

_admin_moderator
Welcome!

Welcome to the forums Pblover! We are sorry you are feeling this way, bit it's great that you are sharing on the forums. If you would like to reach out to someone, NEDA is here for you, You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/helplinechat  to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET. We hope you find the support you are looking for and keep posting!