National Eating Disorders Association

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Bulimia recoverer (struggling BAD)

Hi, this is so hard for me to even let people know that I am a struggler with an eating disorder. Where do I even start?

A year and a half ago, I called my mother crying begging her to help me lose weight because I have been bullied for the 7 years before that (since elementary school) about my weight. I had finally hit X bs. I hated myself but it didn’t help that other people let me know they didn’t like how I looked either. Then my ex told all of his friends he was only dating me because I would let him do whatever he wanted, but…I was “too fat” for him to care about cheating on me. So I took it upon myself and my mother’s word to start a diet. That diet lasted 2 weeks.

I ended up throwing up every single meal I ever ate.

Up until about a month ago, I was fine with dying honestly. I lost so many more friends losing weight than I even had when I had the weight on me. I can’t participate in gym activities anymore, I don’t have the strength. And I can’t play the sport that had my absolute heart growing up. This past year I wasn’t only battling eating disorder, outside of everything going on including the disorder, I was battling with drugs. Now, 2 months and a week sober. And I now suffer with paranoia and anxiety so bad that I can’t go outside and see a group of people without shaking so badly that I don’t even understand why.

My own mother tells me how skinny I am. I have gained since then but in pictures I’m so much skinnier than everyone else and I hate it. It’s funny cuz I used to hate being the biggest one and now I hate being the smallest. I am in recovery but struggling. I can keep it in until I look in the mirror and see the extra fat I’ve gained so I relapse. And I haven’t had any help and I don’t want any but I do want advice. As much advice as anyone would like to give. I don’t want to feel full. I hate that feeling. But I do want to gain weight so I can have the strength to gain muscle.

It got so bad, i started getting paranoid and started accusing my friends and family of having eating disorders. It hurts a lot but I realized that one of my friends did gain an eating disorder….and that’s my fault for losing that much weight. But I convinced myself that if drugs couldn’t kill me then I will just wait for my disorder to. But that’s enough. I’m so young. My life isn’t the best, but it’s not even close to the worst. I have so much more life to live, I just want to recognize the me in the mirror. I want to live. I want to love myself. I want me and my life back.

If you’re a struggler as well I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone. You’re so loved and cared for and I’m so proud of you for taking this step as well just to even come on here and read these. You got this!!!


Hi rykla34, welcome to the forums. We’re sorry to hear about what’s been going on recently. We slightly edited your post to remove weight numbers which could be triggering for others. Please review our community guidelines here. If you ever feel like you want to reach out to someone, NEDA is here. You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat, to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET.  You mentioned some concerning feelings, so we also wanted to post the following resources: 

  Please stay safe and keep posting on the forums. You matter.