National Eating Disorders Association

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nikos
AM I BULIMIC?

It started last year ,while i was 18 years old.I spent a rough year stressing over exams and at the same period i was really afraid not to gain any weight ,because of the limited time i had to workout .My weight was never a real problem .Nevertheless, i started developing in my head this constant fear of gaining weight.So , i balanced my time between reading and working out daily.I also had a pretty strict diet(cutting out certain food groups),which i maintained for 2 months and lost some weight .People started commenting on my beautiful body so i felt really uplifted .Everything felt great and even though i was extremely pressured ,i managed to balance all that and was feeling really healthy.I feel that the real problem started developing the summer after the exams .After all that pressure ,i could finally let loose of myself.So i stopped watching my diet and gradually till august i had gained all the weight back.I still felt ok with my weight as i knew that other people couldn't really tell the difference.But i started feeling more dissatisfied with myself than ever before.My clothes would't fit me perfectly and my eating habits had gotten back to normal.I was at 0 .And then...quarantine gave me a hard slap on the face.I couldn't play volleyball anymore,which was my passion since forever.I couldn't go to college , took online courses instead.I couldn't see my friends .It was a big change in my life ,it felt like everything was falling apart.I think i spent months being depressed,arguing with my parents,doing nothing productive with my life .They didn't even allow us celebrate christmas with our loved ones.I could literally see my life passing by...I think that's when i started finding confort in food.All i did was binge eating ,watching series all day and feeling bad about myself.

After those months ,coffee shops and gym were finally open again .My decision was to take advantage of my free time and get out of that cycle.So i started working at a coffe shop ,took driving classes,enrolled to the gym etc.I thought it was all over .I thought that keeping myself busy would make my food problem disapear .Instead i was always exhausted from work and started binging even more.I still couldn't realize i had a problem.I spent the whole summer thinking about my body and my weight.Then summer ended..

The now: Now ,a year later, i finally left town to go to a university.I'm still adapting to the new life:new home,new town ,new people ...As one can imagine im pretty stressed.At first ,i really tried eating healthy and maintaining my weight.But now,i find myself binge eating exta amounts of food uncontrolably.I just can't control myself.I consume food till i can't move from the pain .Then i feel awful and weak ,but i always end up doing it again .Im Often so swollen and embarassed to get out .I cancel my plans and sit home all day hurting.I've tried purging.Today i made it for the first time.It was this moment i realized things are serious and im not just simply walk away from something like this .It sickenes my mind even thinking about it .Im desperate,im afraid,i can't control it ,don't know what's hapening and why ...I just want to stop worrying about my weight .Please help.

P.S. I have trichotillomania(since i was little),developed severe dermatillomania in puberty and im pretty sure i have a light form of OCD even though im not diagnosed.I 'm also a perfectionist (took me years to realize).

_admin_moderator
Welcome Nikos

Welcome to the forums Nikos! It's great that you are reaching out to the forums, NEDA is here for you. We had to slightly edit your post to remove weight and food grouos, which can be triggering for others. . This violates our community guidelines where you can check them out here. If you would like to talk to someone, . It sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone, the NEDA Helpline and online chat is here for you. You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/helplinechat  to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET. We hope you find the support you are looking for and keep posting!