National Eating Disorders Association

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kcporter6
I don't want to be recovered

If I were making an objective guess, I'm like 90% completely recovered. I'm doing better than I ever was, but the whole time I've been thinking, "I'm only eating to make people stop watching, I'll be anorexic again." I'm so stressed now. I weigh more than I ever have in my life, I don't count calories at all anymore, and most importantly, I can see a little more clearly that my life was actually miserable when I was anorexic. It's so repetitive, "I was always cold and tired" and "everything revolved around food and calories in/out" but I finally like realized it about my own life. I'm glad I do not have an eating disorder anymore, but I am still dealing with mental illness. It took everything I had and about a year to get over losing my ED, and it was a pretty mild short-lived case, too. I don't have it in me to get over BPD and severe social anxiety, too. I also am graduating with an AA degree soon, so I have to move on with my real life, too, move out, go to college, start a career. It's like I lost everything, and now I have to start again. It's so stressful, and being anorexic was so much easier. It wasn't easy but it was easier, it was simple. I have had minimal support, partially my own fault, and I actually have been pushing forward in ED recovery recently, but like every time I get triggered on social media, or something stressful happens, all I want to do is starve to death. I don't even know where I'm going with this but I guess does anyone else feel like this?

Annet
Hi kcporter6,

Sorry that I do not have any words of wisdom but I only know that once we are close to full recovery, we do feel like missing our ED friend (or enemy?)

It might have almost killed us, it might have made our lives miserable but still, we miss it. I compare this feeling to a marriage where things went really bad but still the partners want to keep together.

Sometimes I also want to be back to my anorexia days (please notice that I have never wanted to be back to my BED or Bulimic days).

Life is full of challenges and our ED's are a way to cope with them. They also distract us from the things we really need to face.

I would say, give recovery a chance. You have worked too hard to get to the place you are. Let it be 100%.

Hugs
Annet

lulu601
i’m going through the exact same thing as you

hi i read what you’ve written and i can relate to you so strongly. same with you i’m nearly recovered but i miss my ed so much and i really want to relapse. i keep telling myself after i get back on track with exams and start doing better in school i’ll starve myself again so i’m not too sure what advice to give you because i’m going through the same thing. however all i can tell you my love is please remember why you started - sometimes we forget the horrible reality of our ed’s because we felt numb most of the time. why did you choose recovery? do you think you didn’t know you’d gain weight? of course you did yet you still chose recovery, why? because your ed was so hellish you knew you wanted to get better. i too had anorexia but mine was atypical so i know exactly what ur talking about. i too miss everything and just want to starve myself when my life is going south but remember our ed is a coping mechanism. and there are so many better healthier coping strategies other than our ed’s. in fact our ed’s are probably the worst ones available. but because we’re so familiar with it and because it’s much easier to do that than journal or go therapy we tend to lean more towards it. but i promise you my love that if we fall back into our ed’s we will not be able to enjoy life. do you think you can enjoy your life counting calories and having anxiety about what ur going to put in ur mouth everyday? of course not. plus think about how many years of your life you’re going to waste being stuck in your eating disorder - when you’re older and might have grandchildren etc you’re going to look back at your life and the only think you’ll remember is you religiously calculating each and everything piece of food that you consume. do you think you’ll think it was worth it? what about when you can’t undo all the damages you have done to your organs and heart. do you want to die because of heart failure? i struggle with feeling worthy so these things don’t matter to me that much but i know for some people it can really motivate to them to carry on with their recovery. however something that really helps me when i feel like i don’t deserve to recover is just acknowledging the fact that i was sick when i was starving myself. i don’t know what physical symptoms you dealt with or emotional symptoms but for me it was hair loss and period loss - this enough shows me that my ed was really bad for me and was physically damaging me. which doesn’t matter to me however it’s an indication that i was sick - and just remembering that all the time helps me eat. i think to myself that i’m doing what i’m supposed to - i fed my body because it needed food. another thing that helps me a lot which i hope helps you too is thinking why you stopped in the first place - for me right before i started recovery i had hit rock bottom - i couldn’t stop binging no matter how much i tried. i couldn’t diet even if i tried to. and every little thing would make me cry - i was always so miserable and sensitive. i resented everyone for being able to eat the foods they want. and for that reason i knew i needed to recover. we have both made it so far - why not see what’s waiting for us at the end of the tunnel? we can accomplishing so much while we’re recovered that has nothing to do with our weight. do you think people will be talking about how much you weighed at your funeral? probably not - they’ll only remember your strengths and characteristics. so why live a life isolating yourself from the whole world. i promise that no matter what weight you’ll be at even if you relapse you’ll still not be happy. because nobody who has an ed is happy with themselves - that’s why it’s so dangerous. because you have such a distorted image of what you look like you keep losing more weight and you still feel dissatisfied. so what’s the point of relapsing if you’re still not gonna be happy with the way you look. it’s almost impossible to feel good when you’re deep into your ed - life just becomes about food and weight. you’ll miss out on so many opportunities and more importantly you’ll be suffering with a mental illness masked with the image of ‘helping yourself cope’. i really sincerely hope you get better and if you can i strongly suggest you discuss this with a mental health professional. if that’s not possible please speak with someone whom you trust and cares about you. i wish you all the best, fighting!!

lulu601
last thing i want to say!

triggering comments on social media literally destroy every ounce of positivity in me so i deeply relate with you about this but what really helps me is just turning my device off and letting myself breathe. i try and forget about what i saw or read and i just give myself a moment to notice and observe my emotions. how is this making me feel what do i want to do as a result of these emotions? and i just write everything down - i rant and vent and just dump all of my emotions down in a notepad or on my iphone. if you need to write your emotions down in an application and just type it - you don’t need to handwrite it. heck you can even use your laptop. just do whatever you need to do to let it out. go for a run, talk to a friend, scream, cry, read a book - literally do anything you need to do to make you feel better because seriously triggers are the worst part about recovery other than weight gain. lastly i also deeply relate with you about my ed beinf short lived and quite mild - i was only restricting for 3/4 months and i only lost a little bit of weight however it has taken me over two years to get to where i am. i was never hospitalised nor did i become underweight but i still had anorexia and it was still completely valid. i lost my period for a few months and i lost a lot of hair - more than you can imagine. my point is not matter how short lived ir was no matter how much weight you lost your ed is completely valid. please don’t let this affect your perception of recovery - you deserve to recover no matter what. u personally experienced this a lot and i always felt like my ed was ‘fake’ just because i never got diagnosed but that’s because i couldn’t access mental health services. there were many boundaries preventing me from getting diagnosed. regardless of what it is you deserve recovery, you deserve to eat. i also wanted to mention i too am at the highest weight i’ve ever been in my life - i’m well over my pre ed weight however you know what? i’m still living, yes it’s really difficult but it’s possible to recovery and cope with it. i know it’s so scary and hard but i promise it’s okay to gain weight. it’s okay to be the heaviest you’ve ever been. to us it’s the scariest thing in the world and actually it’s a nightmare but do you think the people around us have even noticed? probably not and even if they have they probably don’t care. even if they care i guarantee you they don’t care half as much as you do. so please don’t stress about it - you’ll be okay. this too shall pass and you’ll be able to overcome this as well. you’ll be able to get through it. please stay strong !!

_admin_moderator
Lulu601

Hi Lulu - you mentioned some concerning feelings in your post and we wanted to make sure you know there are resources if you ever need to reach out for support: 

Please take good care of yourself! You're worth it. 

lulu601
thank you admin moderator i

thank you admin moderator i appreciate it :((

kcporter6
Lulu

Oh my god, I’ve been having a bad day. A bad day that I continued to eat but finally after dinner, the bad day came after food, and I wanted to starve all over again. But your response was so comforting. It’s nice to know someone feels similar. I don’t have much to say other than thank you <3

lulu601
aw i’m so glad my comment comforted you :(

you are very much welcome my dear - please take care of yourself and i’m so glad my comment comforted you. just know we are all here to give you a warm hug so please don’t feel lonely in this journey. i wish you all the best can come back whenever you want to vent. good luck ~