National Eating Disorders Association

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Where do I even start?

Hi! As I was doing the dishes and listening to music - surprisingly relaxing - I was thinking about how much of my life obsessing about my weight and food. I'm 45 and I cannot remember a time when I did not worry about it. I've never had a time when I could trust my appetite... and I still don't. That's why I eat the same exact thing every day. I still worry about letting myself relax - physically and mentally - because I don't trust myself and I continue to let what I worry other people will think take precedence over what I think is right for me. I have tried to be nonchalant about my issues in front of my duaghters, but what if they have internalized my panic and lack of trust? So far, I don't see signs that I need to worry. But I wish I could look forward to enjoying food with them. Instead, I dread eating with other people, even my own family. I just don't know where to start with letting go. Thanks for reading this... I just needed to get this off my chest and, although I have wonderful people who listen to me, would love any feedback from people who know what it's really like.