National Eating Disorders Association

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very strong urge to relapse

hi everyone - i’m here again,

from the last time i spoke about wanting to relapse those urges still haven’t gone away and they’re becoming stronger and stronger. about a week ago i even weighed myself for the first time in months and i brought out my fitbit - i was planning on relapsing again. but i have exams and i know that if i relapse i will not be able to study for them and they see extremely important exams. i even made an account dedicated to my ed on twt hoping i’d keep myself accountable but i can’t go back to it. i know what i’m doing is bad and i know how harmful my ed is for me but i really miss the addicting feeling of fasting and the high i’d get after not eating for a day. i miss the feeling of an empty stomach and i miss being weak and tired all the time. as stupid as it sounds i miss my ed and i really want to relapse. but at the same time i can’t just because i’m so far into recovery i don’t think i’ll be able to restrict like how i used to 2 years ago. yes i’ve been in recovery for nearly 2 years now and i suddenly want to relapse.

truth be told i just simply cannot stand this body - it’s not unfamiliar because i’ve been this weight for months but i’ll never be able to get used to it. i feel so ashamed about it. i’m so incredibly insecure about it - i can’t even explain the way i feel about my body. i feel like i don’t deserve to recover i feel like i don’t deserve to eat. i want to punish myself and starve myself again but i don’t want to go back to my ed hell. because the binges were horrid - the hair loss was terrifying. i was always on the verge of crying because of how sensitive i was. although i know all of this i still want to go back to it i’m literally sayinf opposite things i feel pathetic.

i don’t recognise myself. i’m a lot - and i’m not exaggerating serious a lot higher than my pre ed weight. i used to reassure myself that the overshoot would go away and i’d go back to my pre ed weight but i know it’s a lie. i keep deluding myself into thinking i’ll naturally lose the overshoot.

i’ve never been at this weight in my life - my weight was very stable before my ed and it wasn’t even that different to ny lowest weight but now i’m so much higher than what i was before my ed even started. i feel so ashamed. words cannot describe how much hatred i have towards my body. i would do anything to lose weight naturally. on social media especially tt there are many glow up trends and their ‘glow up’ is basically weight loss. it’s so triggering and it keeps reinforcing the idea that losing weight is glowing up.

maybe it’s our beauty standards but i think i look better when im thinner and i want to go back to that so badly. please help i don’t know what to do. im feeling even more suicidal bc of my ed and the immense pressure of school. i’ve burnt out and im not even able to shower or clean my room. this all happened when i gained weight and bc of my ed. i wish i never went on that stupid diet - my body was fine before my ed - i just completely ruined it. is there any hope of my body going back to how it was before my ed started - bc if not i know i’ll definitely relapse. even if it does i literally can’t stand another day beinf this huge.

i really apologise if ive triggered anybody - i’m just in a really negative place right now and my ed voice is really loud. please don’t take anything i say personally. i know it’s my ed voice.


Hi lulu601, we’re sorry to hear about these difficult feelings recently. We slightly edited your post to remove descriptions which could be triggering for others. Please review our community guidelines here. If you ever feel like you want to reach out to someone, NEDA is here. You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat, to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET.  You mentioned some concerning feelings, so we also wanted to post the following resources: 

  Please stay safe and keep posting on the forums. You matter. 

My heart is breaking for you

My heart is breaking for you right now. Please know you are so far from alone in this. It is definitely the ED voice and society’s toxic ideas of thinness that are driving these thoughts, but that doesn’t make them any less real or any less painful. I’m so sorry it’s so loud and overwhelming for you right now. You’ve made it so far in recovery. Try to remember how much strength that takes and how amazing you are.
Society and diet culture thrive on insecurities and promoting eating disorders. It’s sick and it’s wrong, but they are literally selling eating disorders to vulnerable people. That’s how they make a profit. Society’s idea of “beauty” isn’t so much about beauty as it is making a profit. The “ideals” are so out of reach for a reason - companies promote these unachievable images because that’s how they make a profit. They know people will have to control/manipulate/abuse their own bodies to achieve it, and that’s how they make money. They’re monetizing out bodies. And it’s sick.
Body diversity IS what makes people beautiful! And bodies change all throughout the course of life. One of the things I’ve had to come to terms with is that, since I developed my ED in my teens, my body was still supposed to be growing/maturing. That means that I will never have the body I had pre ED. Because I am an adult now. And that’s okay. I shouldn’t have the body of a teenager. Sometimes it can be difficult to see the natural maturation of our bodies when we suppress their natural growth and change for so long. It’s okay that you’re in a different body right now. What can this new body do for you now that you’re in recovery? How can you honor this new body and allow it to be and to change? The more you try to listen to and nourish your body, the more it will settle and learn how it can eat function for you. It sounds like you are under a ton of stress right now. Bodies reflect that too. I know my body always feels (and even looks) worse when I am anxious/stressed. I try not to look at myself too much when I feel this way because I know I’m likely to see a warped image of myself just because of my anxiety.
You deserve to eat. You deserve to show yourself care and compassion. You deserve to stay in recovery and away from the toxicity of ED. Your body, at any size, matters. You matter. And if you can’t get to a place of acceptance/love right now, that’s okay. Just try to be open and curious. Explore the “what if”. “What if I treated my body with kindness?” “What if I actually felt care and compassion toward my body?” “What if I even loved my body?” It is in these “what if’s” that we can begin to explore ourselves and detach from all the harm and pain from EDs and society in general.
You are worthy of love and care. In any body. In any size. You are beautiful.


thank you so so much recovery j im always so grateful to you because you leave the sweetest comments - i rly wish the best for you too and thank you for leaving such a comforting comment. ur so amazing - thank you for always comforting and helping others. we’re all very grateful towards you