National Eating Disorders Association

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Seeking Support Please

Hiya, I'm a single parent of two daughters and I am concerned I have developed an eating disorder. I am seeking support as I am concerned my actions and the way I speak to and about myself (so negatively) could impact on my daughter's.

I began to lose weight when I went cold turkey on all the meds I was previously on. I also cut my calorie intake and would have to take laxatives once/twice a week as I struggle to go to the toilet without.

More recently I've been less careful with calorie counting which then causes me to panic and I am now taking laxatives almost every day. I hate the feeling of being full and bloated after food. If I have more than one meal a day I will automatically want to take laxatives to empty out and feel less full and gross.

My stomach muscles are quite sore and my lower back is painful most days now. I have found the laxatives are not clearing me out so quickly and I can sometimes be on the toilet all day and into the next day. Where as initially I would take them in an evening and by 8am at the latest I was cleared and back to my usual self.

I am struggling to control this urge, I know they don't make me lose weight but I feel like it helps me maintain my weight. If I weigh myself and I've gained I go into a major panic and don't want to eat anything but then I feel brain dead and can't function properly so I'll eat but take laxatives. If my weight is the same it's not like I'm over the moon but I can cope with it, ideally I only feel good when I see a loss.

It makes no sense to me as I am now slightly below what my goal weight was when I first started to diet. Yet what I see in the mirror doesn't match what's on the scales, I feel huge still and can't get over it. Any bit of bloat and I feel like I'm breaking down I'm so self conscious. I don't want to be too skinny because I know it's unhealthy and doesn't look nice but I feel like I'm losing control and I'm in a constant battle with myself.