National Eating Disorders Association

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choosing recovery for me

I am having a really hard time working on my issues. I'm an adult so my therapists have told me I have to make my own decisions, but I'm also young and I'd rather have my mom do everything for me. I've lost a lot in the last 6 months of pseudo-recovery, including everyone who supported me because I have basically ghosted them. I quit regular therapy and I've been trying to quit nutrition therapy and now it is only more apparent that living in these conditions isn't sustainable. My nutrition therapist said at one point that I "already know pretty much everything I need to do" which I have definitely read too far into, but I can't stop thinking that I am causing all of my problems because I like being difficult. I regret quitting therapy because it was impulsive, but now I don't feel like I can go back because money is already an issue. I'm just at a loss because I am ok with living with a mild eating disorder, but my family isn't. At the same time, my family puts no effort into helping me recover, and my mom constantly refers to my mental health issues as a burden. At this point I have no one else in my life, I might as well recover to get them off my case, but I don't want to recover for myself. Do I go back to therapy even though I didn't make much progress before? Do I start over with a new therapist? I feel like my previous routine of weekly therapy was not enough for me at all, but I can't afford to go any higher up in levels of treatment. I am just struggling right now.

I know that I have to stop

I know that I have to stop restricting to stop binging, I know that I'll end up old and too concerned about calories, I know all of that stuff. I don't like the reality of eating disorders, but I like my eating disorder and I choose it over so many things everyday, maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Hi Kcporter6

Hi Kcporter6! Recovery can be difficult and takes time, but it is possible. It sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone, and finding some support in your area. The NEDA Helpline and online chat is here for you! You can call 800-931- 2237 or chat,  to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET. We hope you find the support you are looking for and keep posting! 

Hi kcporter6,

Being an adult implies to own the responsibilities of our actions (good or bad).
I have also been told that everything depends on me. What I do, every time I have to face my ED,
I choose the option that will take me closer to recovery. One day at a time.
Of course, motivation varies over time. There are good and bad days but what I am sure of is that living with an ED is hell...

response to annet

I don't have any motivation to get better, physically or mentally. In reality, I wish I were getting sicker, but it seems like I'm doing better, to my family, and even I see myself getting better. But the depression is getting worse and I wish I were still fading away. I actively choose against recovery but I still eat relatively normal compared to my previous extremes of restricting and binging. I wish I could get worse and I hate myself for getting better.