National Eating Disorders Association

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2Healthy4me
Having a Difficult Time after Covid Recess Weight Gain

I am feeling totally frustrated over the weight gain and lack of toned muscles which I had a grip on b4 Covid haunted my comfort zone of Total Control by me losing my 2 very busy jobs, and no gym available during my down times of emotional duress or boredom leading to snacks and naps instead of my after dinner gym and pool workouts.

I tried on clothes yesterday and the skirts and pants fit snugly. I canceled my interview today which was for a call center position.

I have become physically undisciplined and now it's difficult for me to sleep at night or arise early in the morning. I take allergy pills to sleep at night and caffeine pills to arise mentally in the mornings. Only I feel tired even so after my caffeine pills have kicked in and am fearing that this is partly due to depression.

I am trying to make myself go to the mall to pick up better fitting pants and skirts but I just feel to anxious to even cross the street to pick up a few groceries. I need a hair trim and am too anxious to do this or even to get a badly needed pedicure.

My awareness of how much I have gained weight and lost my fully controlled body muscle tone is just making me want to sleep all day. I walk at night and that workout is failing to help me to lose weight or regain muscle tone over my out of control body.

I cant just "Smile and be happy." I have lost control over something I had the most control over. "The Ding Dang Covid", Eliminated my 2 very busy jobs. They both enabled me to feel in control over my budget, my muscle tone, weight, and sense of security and weekly vocational routines.

I feel lost like a ball of yarn rolling down the hill, which is occupied now by Jack and Jill. I enjoy my space, and boundaries, and enjoy my time alone. I feel that my personal space is now too enmeshed by my new acquaintance. He and I spend almost every day together.

I think this is leading me to relapse to my old habit of binging and rushing out to exercise. This time around I don't have the gym or the pool to give me a sense of a Total Control Workout. I have no reason not to be home to answer my phone, or front door. I am really in a time of need for personal space, and Isolation.

I am feeling crushed inwardly and can only take this pressure on for so long. My safety net is far away now and everyone expects me to have gotten over all my ancient stuff, but its coming all back and haunting me w/o an exit to run for safety or sense of closure and a little security for myself.

zenandrecovery
You’re not alone

I am in the same boat.
I’ve become aware of my weight gain since COVID. I was out looking at wedding dresses for my bestfriend and I couldn’t even be fully present because of all the mirrors… and pictures… I hadn’t realized it until I was surround by my own reflection and intense lighting. And I know the way I see myself is irrational, I know I’m my own worst critic. Especially about my body. So I tried to rationalize it by thinking I probably don’t look as bad as I think I do. Or that no one is paying that much attention to how I look. I can recognize those thoughts and try to rationalize them.
You are not alone in how you’re feeling. Because I feel the exact same. I wish I could put it into better words. I hope writing it out was helpful for you. I don’t know if you’re involved with therapy, but it can be helpful. Focusing on activities you enjoy can be helpful as long as they are not activities that have been or can be used to “purge” or be an unhealthy coping skill.
If you take away anything from this post, please remember that when you’re active in an eating disorder.. the disorder is what has the control, not you. It controls what you do, what you wear, how productive you are.. it’s takes more than it gives. I’m trying to remember that myself, but I hope you are able to remember it as well.

2Healthy4me
Thank You

for your feedback. I appreciate it when someone else might actually relate to what I have just written about.

zenandrecovery
<3

It’s comforting to know you’re not alone. And that others understand how you’re feeling.