National Eating Disorders Association

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I need to vent

TW: Addiction (specifically stimulants)

Hi, I need to vent on here because friends aren't forever and family has a loud mouth.

I'm an 18yr male and just made it half way thru my first year of college (ironically psychology major). As a kid I was always known as the "skinny kid" since most of the cousins my age were heavier than me. Then around the age of 9, after the best cruise to the Bahamas with the grandparents, I came back a more fitting member of my cousins. Everyone made comments, some were mean, but my mom's left scars. It felt like I fell off a ladder I didn't even know I was standing on. I didn't do much about it, I hated my body, but I guess not enough until my freshman year of high school when I started using my prescribed medication (with some lovely side affects) to erase some history. Though, I never consistently took them until about 6 months ago.

Ever since then I've depended on stimulants to maintain my grades and body (as a college students that's basically my entire life) and I've lost a noticeable amount. I'm starting to think it's less about my weight and more about the feeling of stimulants on an empty stomach, but beginning to feel satisfied with my body is another awesome high I've never felt. I've also started being more active and taking other stuff whenever I reopen those scars. I realize the consequences of my past decisions and the ones I'm making now. I'm not ready to open that door until I am happy with my body (gotta have something nice to sleep on). I feel like I've been preparing for the worst since that horrible cruise.

Sad thing is I always though I'd settle with my body being "average", but there's always a step higher on the ladder.

But I hate to end on a bad note so now I'm going to go watch my favorite show.

The process.

Yep, there's being thin…and the process of becoming thin.

People can be happy about the former, but become addicted to the latter, and that can be where the trouble begins.

So try and keep your perspective ?

It sounds like you are trying to.

Talk it out

Hey.. If you wanna talk, and if you want someone to just listen to you, do feel free to reply.. We can chat..