National Eating Disorders Association

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zofia
Relapsing

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I'm sorry for how long this post is going to be... I'm 19 and I've considered myself to be recovered for about a year. My eating disorder didn't last very long, because I quickly received help (therapy and small dose antidepressant medication), but it was still quite intense and very damaging for me. I started to starve myself when I was 16/17, which was partly a coping mechanism for my feelings of horrible loneliness and self-hatred, partly a suicide attempt, and it quickly became an eating disorder. My life turned around completely after I started going to therapy and taking meds and after I managed to make friends. I gained A LOT of weight over the summer last year, compensating for all the kilograms that I've lost, but I dealt with it quite well,though I still took my medication and went to therapy for another year. I stopped doing both of these things around September this year, because, despite the covid situation, I was feeling well. I was also excited because of the start of my first year at university. Unfortunately, lately things have seemed to be going downhill. I've been struggling to find any motivation that I need to actually study - because of that I feel as if I hadn't learned anything and continuing to try seems pointless sometimes. I don't even know why I chose this particular major anymore, all I have to learn seems worthless to me now. On some days I feel overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and then I might struggle to get out of bed, take care of myself, let alone study. And obviously, with the pandemic and usual lack of time, I rarely see any of my friends. I chat with some of them and try to keep in touch, but lately I've become growingly disgusted with myself, which makes me feel like I should stop bothering other people and cut ties with them. I've already had a time latelt when I deleted my social media for around a week and did not contact with anyone, but, obviously it just makes me feel worse. That's obviously when the ed comes in. I've been feeling worse and worse about myself for a few months now, but I think it became even worse around a month ago and some of my old habits seem to be coming back. As it was two years ago, it started with several days of fasting and these were the days when I didn't feel motivated enough for anything. From time to time there were days when I had sudden surge of energy or motivation, but most of the time everything seems to be painfully chaotic, unorganized, it seems like I'm not doing anything to change it and I know that I'm just so awfully pathetic and disgusting. I've started to restrict again, though I wasn't as successful in it as I wanted to be. Eight after Christmas I was left alone at home after my family went away for a week or two and once again I was using restriction and fasting as a way of punishing myself, creating order in my life or something. I'm starting to feel like I'm not able to keep going without heavily restricting, though i think it's different from what it used to be. I only wanted to do this for a day or two, maybe more, and then it would be over, but I'm not any less angry at myself. I've binged multiple times over these days and it makes me even more angry at myself. It makes me want to restrict even more, even though I am aware, that hunger is the reason for binging. But I started to feel discomfort after eating anything, like something is not right, and something is telling me that maybe this is the only way to make things right and to make life livable. I'm so angry at myself most of the days, but this seems like compensating for everything that I do incorrectly and all the ways in which I am incorrect. I don't want to relapse though. I don't want to lose as much weight as I did two years ago - I feel worse about my weight than I did a few months ago, but I don't want to destroy my body like this again and most of all I don't want anyone to worry about me. This is the main reason why I'm concerned about this, really, that I don't want to upset other people. I not that my grandparents would be horrified if this happened. I'm also worried about my sister. She has been the first person to notice anything two years ago and yesterday she accidently saw my notebook with all my meals and calories written down. She didn't tell anyone else, but she got very angry at me. I obviously told her that it only happened for a few days,but I'm okay. I don't know though. After I talked to her I felt like I really need to start eating normally and regularly again, but right after that all the thoughts that I had had before came right back to. I don't know if I'm going to bear all of this without having some form of restriction. I don't know why, but it's hard for me to convince myself otherwise. Nothing happens z really, but that just makes it seem worse. Days just pass and I don't even notice. Everything seems so chaotic and I can't make anything right. My friend has recently suggested that I could go back to therapy, but I don't think it's a good idea. I don't think it is going to help me in any way right now, my parents will have to pay for it again (I don't have a job yet, I intended to get one, but I'm already not able to deal with my upcoming exams and probably too dumb even for my worthless major). And as I said, I haven't even lost weight and I keep eating too much in the end. Whenever I try to talk to someone, I realize that everyone is struggling,especially now, during the pandemic. It makes me feel like I don't need any more help than others do. I might feel better tomorrow or several days from now. Sometimes I end up convincing myself that I only do everything for attention and I deserve to beat myself up for it. Again, I'm sorry for making this overly long. I guess I just needed to get some things of my chest, but maybe I should've kept it shorter.

_admin_moderator
zofia

Hi zofia, welcome to the forums. We’re sorry to hear about what a challenging time this has been, and you are worthy of help and support. You mentioned some concerning feelings and we want to make sure you know there are resources here for you:

 If you want to talk about resources, including low-cost options, the NEDA Information and Treatment Option Helpline phone number is 800-931-2237, or there is a chat function on this website to discuss support options. Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm ET, Friday 11am-5pm ET. Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm ET, Friday 9am-5pm ET. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and take care. You are not alone.

recoveryj
I’m sorry to hear that the

I’m sorry to hear that the thoughts and behaviors are creeping back up. Remember that recovery isn’t linear; we all have times when we lapse. What matters is how we confront those times. It’s okay to ask for help. In fact, you DESERVE help. You deserve to live a life that’s more than this. Maybe it is time to get back into therapy. I know a lot of people who have been struggling this year, but that does not make your pain and your struggles any less valid. You MATTER. If finances are a problem, NEDA can help you find low-fee therapy in your area. You are deserving of love and care. You don’t have to “hit rock bottom” to seek help. You are always worthy. I would highly encourage you to reach out. I find that EDs can take over so much of our lives; it can even talk us out of getting therapy! But that’s its way of keeping us in its grasp. I know your family and friends care about you so much and would want you to get the help you need. You matter. And you are worth it. You are not alone

clarabd
Hey zofia

I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. I went through pretty much exactly the same thing about a year ago and I know how hard it is to get better again. I think it’s a good sign though that you don’t want to relapse because it means you’re fighting against your ed and it shows how strong you are. I know you don’t want anyone to worry about you, but the truth is they probably already know you’re not okay and telling them will actually make them feel relieved that you’re working to get better again. And you need your support system to help you heal. You don’t have to fight this alone. Your sister was probably only angry because she loves you and hates seeing you in pain and hurting yourself.

I really think you should consider going back to therapy. You said you don’t think it will help you but remember that you can always try a different therapist or approach to therapy if your first one didn’t quite work for you. Sometimes you just need to find somebody who understands you better. Your disrupted eating patterns could also be part of the reason why your mood is so all over the place so getting better will help that too. Just because you’re not losing weight doesn’t mean you’re not sick and I can tell you that you aren’t making a huge deal out of nothing or just doing it for attention. You’re absolutely not pathetic or disgusting either. Please don’t make your ed seem small. Just because other people are struggling doesn’t mean you don’t matter. You’re worth so much. And you deserve to be happy. Look after yourself, get help and get better :)