National Eating Disorders Association

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silverstars
It's Back.

Hello Everyone,

So i have been in recovery for a few months and it has been a difficult road.
i have made a lot of progress according to my dietician,but i need her perspective because all i see is consistent failure.
i have been having a lot of trouble with my meals when my appetite is absolutely stolen by paralyzing anxiety,but i have been doing my best.

So.
i have gained some weight,my body is changing,becoming softer,and i must admit i miss all my old sharp angles.i felt much safer,smaller,sharper.
i have often been saying to my pyschiatrist that i so want to go back to my old life.He keeps reminding me of how unhappy i was then.

i have not found contentment in recovery yet,but maybe that is because it is so early yet,and i am still struggling.

Anyway.
i had lost my period to anorexia for over two years and the other day it showed up.

i did not know how to feel.

i know how i should feel.
Pride,relief.
Happiness that my body is restoring itself back to a healthy place.

But,to be honest,i only felt disgust.i felt frantic.

i don't know how to turn my mind around so that i can see this as only a positive thing...

Annet
Hi silverstars,

Congratulations on getting your period back! That means you are doing a great job with regards to recovery. I understand you may feel bad with regards to weight gain and because you still do not see the "real benefits" of a happy recovered life.
I still remember myself asking my phychiastrist for a signal: a signal that told me that all the pain and effort I was going through was really worth it.
Recovering from an eating disorder is not just a physical thing. It is common that our bodies recover first than our minds. So, give recovery some time.
You will eventually feel happy and positive about recovery.

silverstars
Thank you

Thank you so much for your support,Annet.

yoyokay
I feel exactly the same way

I feel exactly the same way regarding my body and where you are in recovery. I do not know how anorexia has affected my period because my birth control already prevented it. Despite knowing that I am getting healthier, I hate feeling certain parts of my body grow and soften. Even though I am still technically underweight, I hate where my body is and want to go back "just a few pounds at least". But I know this thinking could lead me down a very dangerous path if I start restricting more again and if I start basing my food needs based on the amount I exercise.
I wish that I could ease how you are feeling. I am proud of your efforts to get better, we don't want to live controlled by our anorexia.

_admin_moderator
Edited your post!

Hi yoyokay. Your post had to be edited because you included specifics about body size and disordered eating that may be triggering to others. Please take a moment to review our Community Guidelines, and please continue posting!

silverstars
Thank you yoyokay

Thank you for your reply,yoyokay.You have helped me to not feel so alone with my feelings.i wish you weren't struggling with the same feelings though.
i hope we can reach a place where we actually love our bodies.

B0ssL8dy80
It’s creeping back in

I have been in recovery for about a year. I have gotten to the point where I can eat freely but no matter what I eat, I feel ashamed. Especially if my stomach feels full. I can hear the faint voice of my ED creeping back into my head and it feels strangely comforting...Like a long lost friend coming back to save me from myself and my eating habits. I definitely miss her and the way I used to feel. I wish I had never had this to begin with so that I wouldn’t be SO tempted to go back to it. Behaviors are starting to return.

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