National Eating Disorders Association

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alagu
Is this my trigger?

Hi everyone, I just started true recovery from bulimia. I'm really struggling with my feelings about recovery, and I was wondering if anyone had tips for how to deal with it.

Sometimes, I realize how bulimia has destroyed my self-worth and quality of life, and desperately want to get better. However, a few minutes later, I'll think about a specific model who I really want to look like, and suddenly I've lost all the clarity from before and I'm desperate to lose weight. Even if I try reasoning with myself, attempting to recall why I want to recover, suddenly those reasons sound ridiculous, and I'm aghast with myself for even considering recovery. Does anyone else have a similarly polarizing attitudes toward recovery that change so quickly? How do you deal with those moments?

I'm still very new to recovery, so I was wondering if thinking about the model would classify as a trigger, since just the thought has the ability to completely warp my thinking beyond reason. Does anyone have tips for how to deal with it? Thank you!

marty2020
HI Alagu,

Hi alagu, I hope all is well with you. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now; the road to recovery isn’t always easy. The recovery process often isn’t a straight line and is filled with quite a few ups and downs. So, what you are feeling is completely normal and valid. I think in times like these it’s helpful to remember that recovery is possible and that slow progress and still forward progress. Part of recovery is also addressing the psychological aspects of eating disorders, like body image, and constantly being exposed to images of others to compare ourselves to can be distressing. I’d suggest you talk to one of your health care professionals surrounding your feelings around this if you believe it could be a potential trigger or hurdle on your way to recovery. I hope that you find all the support that you are looking for. Please take care.

HeroCat
You are definitely not alone

You are definitely not alone in your feelings regarding recovery. I too vacillate and I've done so for longer than I would care to admit. I don't really think much about my ED and how it relates to what I look like, but rather how I use it as a coping mechanism and a tool to deal with emotions. I eventually decided that I was just going to have fake it-- meaning that I try to mime the steps of recovering-- and hope that it helps me get to a place where I truly feel like I can do it. So far I have learned a lot about myself and how I use my ED and I am starting to approach a place where I can imagine a future without it.

I'm not sure that I can answer your question about the model acting as a trigger, but I would definitely talk to a therapist about it. A professional would probably be able to help you with your perspective on that and the emotions and reactions it creates.

Best of luck!