National Eating Disorders Association

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daisyladybug
adult daughter suffers from ED, refuses treatment, does not live at home

Hi there,

My 26-year-old daughter has developed a SEVERE eating disorder. She is wasting away and completely convinced that she is eating "healthily," and that I'm completely wrong about this. There are issues regarding our family:

-she lives in my mother's house (not with me nor my husband)
-she is not motivated to look for a job or interact with anyone who can tell her that she looks visibly ill
-she does not trust me, my husband, nor my youngest daughter (who had an ED 7 years ago).

My daughter and I do communicate and if there's something bothering her tremendously, she does ask for my opinion. But she is extremely stubborn and is convinced that she's always correct, and my mother reinforces that. The people around her enable her and COVID has made things much worse. She is completely isolated from any level-headed person who might give an objective opinion on this.

She refuses to see a doctor. I have asked her many times to at least go and get a check-up or blood test, but she refuses. Her doctor does not understand EDs and will reinforce what she's doing as "healthy" as well, even if she would go and see him.

My daughter looks like she is about to collapse at any second. I am extremely worried. I am desperate for help with this situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening.

_admin_moderator
daisy ladybug

Hi daisyladybug – welcome to the forums. We’re sorry to hear about what’s going on with your daughter and we hope that the forums are a supportive space for you. Your description of her condition is concerning, so we wanted to make sure to provide a list of signs and symptoms to look out for. The following are just some of the signs of a serious problem that demands immediate medical attention:

  • accidentally or deliberately caused themselves a physical injury
  • become suicidal
  • confused thinking and is not making any sense
  • delusions (false beliefs) or hallucinations (experiencing things that aren’t there)
  • disoriented; doesn’t know what day it is, where they are or who they are
  • vomiting several times a day or has uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea
  • experiencing dizziness or fainting spells
  • too weak to walk or collapses
  • painful muscle spasms
  • experience pain in the lower legs
  • complaining of chest pain or having trouble breathing
  • blood in their bowel movements, urine or vomit
  • a body mass index (BMI) of less than 16
  • an irregular heartbeat, and fast heartbeat, or very low heart beat (less than 50 beats per minute)
  • cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature or has a body temperature of less than 35 degrees Celsius/95 degrees Fahrenheit
  • experience dizziness, nausea, fever
  • wounds/cuts heal slowly
  • feel tingling in the hands or feet
  • blurred vision

If she experiences anything above, we highly recommend seeking help from a medical professional as soon as possible. Seek medical help soon on an outpatient basis if she:

  • have significant heartburn and/or a burning sensation after eating
  • have other gastrointestinal concerns
  • have high blood pressure
  • struggle with significant joint or muscle pain
  • have difficulty sleeping (falling and/or remaining asleep)
  • struggle with fatigue, sudden weight gain, and/or hair loss
  • have frequent urination or unquenchable thirst
  • have gained and lost significant weight repeatedly
  • have gained significant weight in a short period of time
  • struggle with chronic diarrhea or constipation

 The NEDA Helpline can help put you in contact with treatment and support options available to your daughter, and we recommend reaching out. You can reach the Helpline at 800.931.2237 M-Th 11am-9pm ET and F 11am-5pm ET or you can chat with us online M-Th 9am-9pm ET and F 9am-5pm ET. We hope it can be of help. Wishing you, your daughter and your family well, and please take care.

hugsforever
Develop a Plan ASAP

Dear Mom,

I found out about this site today, while reaching out for support to help me deal with my daughter's death two months ago. I am devastated, and will never forgive myself for not learning more about this terrible illness. If I had known, now, what I recently learned (over the past 8 months) I am sure she would still be alive. (She would definitely be struggling and the road to recovery would have been a difficult two years - if not longer - but she would be alive. I miss her every minute of every day. We were so, so close; until the last 8-9 months. We fought, she lied, she hid the laxatives, and made promises that she never intended to keep. Her brain had deteriorated, due to malnourishment, and her eating disorder became a severe mental illness. I was told, over and over, that she would die if she did not receive the help she needed; yet, the hospitals did not provide her with the help she needed. Our system is broken and anorexia is different for each person. There is no one way to treat it. (This is why we have so much difficulty helping anorexics.)

I would suggest that you start reading articles and watching videos about this disease. You should read the book X. EVERY doctor, nurse, and parent of an anorexic should read this book to understand the progression of this illness. (Obviously, family dynamics will differ from each family, but the way the main character deals with her anorexia will definitely send chills up your spine because you will relate to her behavior.

While reading this book, you could share it with your mother, since you daughter is living with her. Somehow, you should try to make your mother understand that if something happens to your daughter she might feel guilty. You, your husband, and your mother should try to work together to develop a plan.

Since your daughter is living with your mother, and you mentioned she is not working - it seems she is dependent upon your mother for shelter and food. If this is the case, ALL 3 of you need to develop a plan to get her some help. I hope your daughter either has some type of health care. If not, see what medical benefits she is entitled to and reach out and help her get what she can get. THEN, all three of you must sit down with your daughter and discuss how concerned you are, etc. Remember, the most difficult part is to remain calm. (My husband and I had handled all of this the wrong way - we were way too emotional - I didn't know how to handle it back then. Her behavior caused us so much stress. After her two severe hospitalizations in Aug. and Oct of 2019, we yelled at her all the time. Her behavior was so erratic and strange. I later learned from the therapist who saw my daughter one time (and this therapist admitted telling my daughter that if she didn't leave our home, living with us would kill her!)before my daughter packed her bags and moved where no one could see her and led a life of lies about how she was gaining weight, etc. Remember, anorexics can be extremely smart, manipulative, and liars. COVID is the worst environment for anorexics.

What I am trying to say, is that you need a plan of action of how you can get her to do what you want her to do so she can get the help she needs. (A few months after my daughter moved, my husband and I decided to try and lure her a promise of a studio apartment near my son's condo if she gained weight and kept it on for 3 months. She promised this and kept telling us she was gaining her weight. We wanted her to reach a higher weight. When she left for Chicago she was under that weight. When I reached her place in Chicago, she weighed even less!)

I think a problem parents face is being too emotionally involved. We love our kids and will do anything for them, and I kept believing my daughter's lies. I wish I had read that book last year. I wish so many things. (Ironically, I found this book among my daughter's things when cleaning her room.)

I hope this helps you. Anorexia is a deadly disease and it takes a lot of strength to help those affected by it. I kept thinking that my daughter was old enough to decide if she wanted to gain weight or not, but it isn't that easy. Because anorexia is both physical and mental, both types of treatment are needed for success. It is so difficult for anorexics who are 18 years or older to go for help. We pleaded with our daughter for 8 years. It only became worse.

I hope you are able to take away some advice from my response. I will be thinking of you.

marty2020
Hi daisyladybug,

I hope the forums have been providing some support for you. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter; seeing a child struggle with disordered eating isn’t easy and it shows how strong and caring you are to reach out and ask for help. I see that you’ve already received some really good advice from others, but I also wanted to add that not everyone’s road to recovery is the same. As mentioned above, the NEDA helpline can help you find support options that can determine the best course of action that suits your daugher personally. Navigating this situation may be difficult but remember, recovery is possible. I hope you and your daughter are able to stay safe and take care.

Mom123
21yo daughter away at college

Looking for a forum or blog to join parents discussing what help and other resources available to me as my daughter has agreed she has a dysmorphic image of herself. She is below the 8th % for weight in girls her age. She came home for a short visit from college and is at lowest weight ever but describes her self as puffy of fat after eating quite often
Suggestions

georgepp
Interesting post and

Interesting post and perspective. I agree with much of it. I have to wonder how healthy it is to only focus on the negative aspects of the relationship though. I realize that emotions are powerful but my personal feelings and perspective changed when I accepted my own failures without laying blame and acknowledge the positive things my parents did do when I was growing up. They are both deceased now and I wish that things had been better when they were alive but none of us could seem to get beyond the emotional fog of the past. I think this is what forgiveness feels like. I guess I'm saying that I accept things as they are. They did the best they could even though it wasn't what I needed and I have failed at times and those failures lay squarely on my shoulders. I'm not naive, I do realize that there are varying degrees of toxicity and some people will not change but I have to wonder if our only real power lays in our ability to empathize and forgive. just a thought.

joy0415
It is so hard to read all of

It is so hard to read all of these posts. My daughter has suffered with disordered eating for many years and it has been a daily battle. We have dealt with the lowest of the lows, thoughts of suicide, self-harm, feelings of hopelessness, feeling worthless, serious medical complications. You name it, we've been through it. My heart goes out to every parent who is trying to keep their child going one day at a time.

We went to treatment centers, therapists, nutritionists and nothing worked. If anything, working with "specialists" made her more resentful and made her dig her heels in more. What worked for her was getting to the point where she had such alarming chest pain that it scared her so bad that she wanted to turn her life around. She no longer wanted to live like this. Having said this, she was full of disdain for "trained professionals" who had no idea how she was feeling or what she was going through. She sought out people who shared their story online who had beaten this dreadful disease so they knew exactly what she was going through. In her mind, they were the experts.

I would say she has been trying to recover for about two years now. And as hard as it is to live with someone with an eating disorder, the recovery journey is just as hard, if not harder for the person suffering with the disease. This is where she gets comfort from learning from people who have been through this. My daughter is sharing her experience online now because she wants other people suffering with this disease to know that they are not alone. She gets messages from people who say "I ate dinner tonight because of you," or "I am one month into recovery and I am following your progress and you are what keeps me going." Maybe try and steer your daughter towards finding someone who she can relate to who has turned her life around.

It has been a long road, X lbs of weight gain but my daughter looks amazing and healthy. She said this morning for the first time, "you know, I actually don't hate my body anymore." She has been weight-restored for a while but we are seeing signs of the neural re-wiring in the brain. I wanted to cry when she said that this morning. It doesn't happen overnight, we had a few relapses and we never ever thought we would see her recover but I think the recovery process is plateauing and we are about to enter the downhill phase. She is excited for the rest of her life but she wants to make sure she sees this through to the finish line. Good luck to you all. Recovery is possible.

_admin_moderator
Editing Note and Resources

Hi, thank you for sharing! We edited parts of your post as specific numbers could be triggering for other members. Please take a look at our community guidelines here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forums/community-guidelines We also wanted to post some resources since you mentioned your daughter previously struggled with suicide and self harm:  

 Please continue posting!