National Eating Disorders Association

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dainna43
Feel like giving in to the disorder

This whole year has been a real struggle for me with my disorder. At the beginning of the year I uninentionally lost a substantial amount of weight at a festival, and being at this lower weight (and enjoying the compliments and self-satisfaction along with with it) drove me back into some really disordered eating habits. I managed to keep myself busy with work (40-50 hour weeks) to avoid binging, however I found myself mentally and physically exhausted, not prioritising my health and often falling into the cycle of binging and purging.

After this happened, then covid happened, and I felt like I was in the worst headspace possible to go through this. I'm trying to adopt strategies to keep myself busy (to avoid binging), and I'm lucky to have a job in hospitality 3 days a week, however on my days off I feel like I am constantly thinking about food, and after every meal I feel bloated or fear of gaining weight. I've tried to properly recover during this time by implementing regular meals (like what they do in recovery after discharge) however, after a few days I feel overweight or unhappy with my body, and restrict and use disordered eating habits to return back to a weight that I am happy with.

To add to things, we live in a small house, and I feel like I am constantly being watched by my parents. I went through recovery 6 years ago using family based therapy, and I achieved the 'goal weight' however my mental health has been pretty inconsistent and I've felt consumed by the disorder since my first round of recovery. I feel a sense of bitterness towards my parents as I feel that their approach to my recovery was quite disconnected (they just wanted me to get back to normal so their lives could get back to normal), and I had no real support during my recovery due to their inability to try to understand the severity of my disorder, or they tried to apply their own 'formula' to my recovery, without considering my feelings and emotions. Being with them 24/7 is triggering thoughts from my past whilst also making me feel quite isolated, with no one to confide in, or no way to let my thoughts out.

Anyways, I bottled up these emotions for years and eventually I just let them all out during and argument with my parents. I told my parents about the binging, constant weighing and how my headspace is really unhealthy and painful almost all the time. They proceeded to say that you can't change the past (which I know is true), but completely disregarded my feelings once again, and I felt like it reopened the wound from six years ago, whilst also ignoring my current pain, making me feel more isolated than ever.

So, I'm basically at this stage where Victoria is in lockdown for the next 6 weeks, and I'm stuck with my parents who have complete disregard for my emotional headspace, and entrapment within my own disordered cycle, but also I revealed all my disordered strategies to them, so now I have to be super secretive whilst weighing food and myself etc. I thought that telling them would help, but rather its left me feeling trapped and my disordered thoughts feel harder to fight than ever.

Sorry about the rant but I felt like I needed to let it out, and hopefully make some of you guys feel less alone. Let me know if theres any strategies you use to help, because right now I need support more than ever.

_admin_moderator
dainna43

Hi dainna43 – thank you for posting, we’re glad you’re here on the forums. We’re sorry to hear about all the challenges that have arisen during this time. Please know you are not alone. A list of resources specifically for COVID-19 can be found hereYou can also reach the NEDA helpline M-Th 11am-9pm ET and F 11am-5pm ET at 800.931.2237 for help locating resources and support near you, or chat with us online M-Th 9am-9pm ET and F 9am-5pm ET. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and to continue posting!

Anngillett
Yeah, me, too

I’m in such a similar place. Last spring, I abruptly lost a significant amount of weight — totally healthy, it just kind of fell off — and really, really enjoyed it. Too much, probably. I managed to hold back my actual self-destructive habits, but the mentality was still there. I ate reasonably healthy and went to the gym reasonably regularly, and it became something I didn’t even have to think about (much) for months.

Now, I’m not able to go to the gym because of the pandemic, and we’ve gotten a lot of comfort food in the house (also because of the pandemic), and I’ve put on weight and it’s ALL I can think about. I’ll feel stressed about it, and binge, and then want to purge, but I manage not to, so I keep gaining weight and keep being stressed about it. And when I try to go back to my former, healthy eating and exercise habits (as much as I’m able), now it isn’t about being healthy anymore — everything is all about MUST DO THIS SO I CAN GET SKINNY AGAIN. So I can’t escape it. And it’s just this horrible cycle that gets worse and worse.

It doesn’t help that everyone around me keeps talking about their “Covid 15, ha ha ha,” and how they’ll lose it later, and this is a difficult time and we need to give ourselves a break, and blah blah blah. Yeah, if I were capable of giving myself a break, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I wouldn’t have been in this situation for eight straight years in my teens and twenties. My boyfriend, at least, is sympathetic, but he also doesn’t entirely understand because he hasn’t been there.

I wish I had strategies to offer, but I have none. Just sympathy. And if it helps, reading this really did make me feel less alone. I hope that reading THIS makes you feel less alone, too.