National Eating Disorders Association

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Bad day

It's been a while since I last posted which is probably a good thing. I'm back because I'm feeling worse right now than I have in a really long time. I am back to my pre ED weight, and I have been working really hard to accept that number and what I look like now compared to a year or two ago.

Today was really nice out so my roommate and I decided to go biking. It has been about 7 or 8 years since the last time I rode a bike and I'm not a huge fan of biking but I was in a good mood and finally agreed today.

It was really hot out and biking was much harder than I anticipated. I was way slower than my roommate and it took me twice as long to get up hills that she seemed to pedal up with ease. I can't help but feel like I let myself go, like my body failed me. I haven't been able to go to the gym in months and I haven't been working out at home at all so I'm definitely out of shape. I worked so hard to build muscle back after my ED so I could carry groceries in and go up stairs without getting out of breath and do every day things that everyone else can do easily. It really hurts to feel like my body isn't strong enough to go for a silly little bike ride when my roommate does it without trying.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated, today has been really really hard and I'm worried this will make me slip back into old habits.

Please don’t beat yourself up

Please don’t beat yourself up for this. Everyone has different strengths. I can relate to this too, as I often blame myself and my body if I can’t seem to accomplish a certain physical task. Try to look at the bigger picture; look at the things you CAN do and how far you have come! You have done so much healing in recovery, and your body has made physical feats that many will never even come close to. Your body has survived all it’s been put through, and you’re still able to do things like go on a bike ride! That’s amazing! Even if it’s harder right now, that’s okay! You probably are working muscles you haven’t worked in a while, and that’s normal for anyone outside of ED. For instance, I know that if friends of mine haven’t ridden bikes for a while, it’s a lot harder to get started again. The thing is though, you CAN. The comparing game never lets us see ourselves in a good light. Since your roommate has been asking for a while, she probably has had a lot more recent practice. You’ve been working on other things, other strengths. You AND your body are so much stronger than you realize. And you have done so much more than many even dream. Don’t forget to give yourself credit where it’s due. And remember we all have different strengths. Even at my most fit (pre-ED) I was ALWAYS the slowest runner. You are stronger than you realize. And your body is too.
Sending love

Thank you

Your words mean a lot, seriously. I know that I need to appreciate my body for the things it can do, rather than beat myself up for what it can’t. We’ve survived so much that we take for granted. Thank you so much for helping me see that!

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