National Eating Disorders Association

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tryingtobebrave
Being away

Well not really away, because I read all of your posts, I just struggle to respond because I feel like a ghost right now. Like I’m in a constant haze.
I’ve really shut out my feelings and grief by constantly having my mind occupied during the day. But today talking with my therapist I realized I’m not actually doing okay like I thought. When feelings do come through I use unhealthy coping mechanisms sometimes. It’s not healthy to feel numb all the time. I would have lost my sobriety if quarantine wasn’t happening. I cry myself to sleep because distractions are gone at night. I dream of my grandparents dying over and over. Being around my dad can be frustrating because I wish my grandpa was here and not him, then I feel like a wretched person for feeling that way even if due to my childhood it makes sense.
My grandmother on my dads side, I’ve had thoughts I wish I didn’t. I remember acutely, one of my earliest memories, calling her for help. I was terrified and told her what happened. Nothing ever came of it. I’m not going into details, but she didn’t even check if I was safe for days. She knew I needed urgent help and did nothing, she protected my dad instead of me. My moms parents, my papa, would have immediately gotten me help. I feel a distance and sadness about that whole thing and i don’t feel bad for not being as close to my dads mom anymore.
See, I prefer to not think about any of this. So I don’t. I avoided therapy for too long, my therapist wants me to get back to a regular schedule, but I haven’t done that yet because I hate addressing these issues. I prefer the dissociative haze. But I’m really sorry I haven’t been responding much. I care about all of you.

tryingtobebrave
Ps

I feel I need to note that I have only fond memories of my dads father. He died in 2011 and I don’t know if he knew I needed help, if my grandma said anything to him. Because I have only those fond memories and I don’t want their abandoning me when I was in a crisis to ruin it.

Miggi
I'm sorry this is happening.

I'm sorry this is happening. You are in fight or flight mode right now, and that is probably why you feel numb. It's because you are in middle of the hard part, and now you have to pull the sails and brace for the storm. It's a difficult situation your in. But, you have done so well and fought so hard, you can survive this!I think to end the feeling of numbness, you have to reach clear skies and talk through your trauma. It may hurt, but like a sore muscle, you will regrow stronger. I wish you all the hugs in the world!

tryingtobebrave
Thank you

I agree with everything you said. Thank you for the encouragement! Hugs!

iwanttolive
Dear friend and fellow recovery warrior

It is interesting that you wrote what you did about numbing your feelings and preferring the "haze" to feeling feelings. I wrote about how my sister's decision to go onto hospice, which actually wasn't her decision after all but my sister out in California's, but after a wonderful day of good choices and going to the produce store for the first time really, but for the first shopping since COVID, I bought veggies, and made dinner and made a nice dessert type food to freeze, and had dinner with my roommate, all good things; but when I heard of my sister's decision I chose, yes, a deliberate decision to eat. To numb. I knew what I was doing. Then I came home, I watched a movie with my sister and my parents, and when I came home I planned on eating more, but I chose to not. Again a choice. Under alwaysthinkings post I wrote how nothing, not any of the ways we can use to numb the pain, whether is it is using drugs, alcohol, food, lack of food, anything to numb, will only keep us numb until we need another fix. Eventually we have to come to the point where we face the pain, the trauma head on.

It seems like you are there. You have been through so much and to have an adult, grandparent or not, dismiss your fears and abandon you as your grandmother did is atrocious. It is abhorrent. I can see why you don't have fond memories of her. The what ifs and if only she...and the fact that you are living with your father-it must be so difficult. I just had a thought pop into my head and I may be way off, but do is there any way that your face pain might be a way of hiding? I am not saying you do not have legitimate pain from the facial structure problems, but it does keep you away from most of the interactions at home, I think. Do you think the pain might be worse because it is keeping you safe? This is NOT a judgement but of sincere concern and maybe something you can talk with your therapist about. You do not have to answer here. I don't want to put you on the spot. I know you want to get your own place, so do I. But I will be here until I turn 55. Three more years. I actually love where I live. My roommate has her moments and trashes me but then she seems to forget it after a day and then things go back to normal until the next thrashing. I can live with that.

As far as not responding to posts, you need to take care of you right now. I know you love me and care about me. I want you to do what you need to do to get through this time. I pray for you and care about you. This is your time to heal. Your therapist sounds really gentle and kind. I think she thinks you are ready. I think you think you are ready as well. I pray God's peace and gentle hand to guide you through this walk.
I love you my friend.

tryingtobebrave
My friend

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I’ve never considered that before, about how the pain makes it easier to avoid the conflict between my parents. To stay in my own world in the garden or my room. I think that yes it does, but it also (before covid) kept me from seeing my friends as often as I would like to and not being able to start my internship yet. So it’s a double edged sword. I suppose if I had to find one positive thing in the hardship of this pain, at least for quarantine, it does keep me from too many family interactions. Though I honestly would keep to my room or the yard regardless of whether I had pain or not, for the sake of my mental health and sanity.
I love you.

alwaysthinking
Just wanting to let you know

Just wanting to let you know I'm here for you, and I understand. That's about all I can muster, at the moment, and I'm sure you get it. Love you.

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