National Eating Disorders Association

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Hello friend,

How are you? Thinking of you and hoping you are okay. I love you.

Hey there

Thanks for thinking of me. I’m doing the best I can. And right now that means that while I’m struggling emotionally and with grief, I’m not abusing my anxiety medication or self harm. I think the increase in my antidepressant is helping my ocd a bit as intrusive thoughts are less frequent. I had a moment of happiness earlier this evening, no particular reason, just lying on my bed after finding a comfortable position for my head and feeling the warmth of the sun coming through my window. I felt real hope. The happiness felt artificial if that makes sense, I know it’s from the medication but it’s better than always being so low.
I don’t know that I’m dealing with my grief . I’m kind of moving around it, blocking it out. I do feel a drastic change inside me since my grandpa died and I can’t understsnd it yet. I feel like if quarantine wasn’t happening, I would be going down a bad path. I can see it happening when it’s over; I will be so happy to see my two best friends but beyond that, the grief and the face pain will still be there and I will still spend most of my time at home due to pain. I briefly went for a drive with my mom last week and I hated being in the car. It hurts my face and neck so badly because my jaw position also strains my neck. Just regular driving in a car feels like whiplash. So I stay home. And I feel like being miserable from grief and pain while everything gets better would make me spiral right now and I also feel selfish and guilty for feeling that way.
But as of being in the present, I too overeat some. My dietitian who I communicate with on email when I need support, told me that she would rather me have two snacks than one a day. I don’t move, the strain of pain on my body has halted my metabolism and I know I’m overweight. But my dietitian still encourages two snacks so it feels like overeating even though I’m not because I’m overweight. She said after my surgery and when I’m able to move around more normally my metabolism will get back on track and my weight will balance out.
I have an appointment over telemed with my cardiologist on Tuesday and I’m a bit nervous. I had to see his PA last year bc he had an emergency surgery. So this is the first he’ll hear of my eating disorder. I want to email my dietitian and ask her to talk to him about it beforehand. But also, even when I was obese from binge eating disorder when I was younger and depressed constantly and on too many meds, he never judged me or encouraged me with exercise or commented on my weight. Instead he helped me explore options for my mental health and was more concerned about how anxiety was affecting my heart as my arrhythmia hadn’t been under control well at the time. So I know he won’t judge about my weight at all. I’m afraid I will cry if I tell him about my grandpa dying and my grandma last year because he was her dr, saved her life and Put in her pacemaker when I was a teenager. So he knows her and telling him about their deaths will be emotional. But he’s supportive about all my health including mental. Truly the best doctor I’ve ever had. I’m ranting, I’m sorry. I love you.


Hi. He seems like a truly compassionate and caring person. He just might cry too when you tell him. I am glad you have him and I believe as well that he will only encourage you and not place any shame on you for struggling with eating disorder issues. There is no shame. We are our own worst enemies and shame ourselves more than others most of the time, I think. Yes, there are those who don't understand, but they are the type of people who seem to have gone through life without enduring the types of things we have and they honestly can not relate at all until they too will have to deal with suffering and I don't wish that on anyone. It helps me understand those who are critical of mental health issues.

I don't know if that made sense. I am so sorry that you live with such severe and chronic pain. I am glad you had a brief respite from it today. Sleep sound and sweet dreams.

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