National Eating Disorders Association

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Mollydolly432
Relapsing in isolation due to moving back with parents

Hi

I had an ED (Anorexia Nervosa) when I was 15 (now 23). I have struggled with body dysmorphia ever since (I never got therapy), but I controlled my eating habits well and didn't fall back into anorexia. I have been living out of home in a dorm since Feb last year. Life was good, I definitely did relapse a little bit but nothing severe. I tried to conform to normal mealtimes, I was restricting (but that's how I've lived since I was a child, I do not like eating breakfast as I have IBS and breakfast upsets my stomach a lot, I also don't wake up hungry), drinking decaf coffee, having other staff instead of real food as post-class but pre-dinner snacks, watched calories on things I bought, etc. It sounds disordered on one hand, but on the other hand it didn't really affect me. It was a long term change. I just learned to have lunch, dinner, and not buy sweets. Food wasn't as available as normal and I was more preoccupied living out of home, so even before I started restricting at all, I was eating a lot less and losing weight. This always happens during times that I am busy/happier, I shed weight as when I am happy and preoccupied I forget food being an existence (in fact, when I was a young child I didn't feel the need to eat at all, only because I felt it was a waste of time alongside more fun activities, and was taken to several docs about this). I should mention I didn't visit my parents as often as I could have since I didn't want to gain weight by going there.

When I moved out of home I was on the low end of normal weight. Gradually my weight dropped and I stabilised around borderline underweight. My weight has not gone above this weight since I moved out. I obsessed about my weight a fair bit in the dorm, particularly as I didn't have a scale. I was worried I was constantly gaining weight, but at the same time, if we had parties etc., I would eat food unrestricted. But the food I chose for myself was always low fat, and I am not a picky eater so it didn't really affect me. I felt I was eating to live, eating was a nuisance amongst everything I needed to do.
I thought I would gain weight this year, as it is a stressful year of placement. Instead, I have been dropping weight and am now quite underweight. I thought I'd gain when I had to move back home when isolation started a month or so ago. Instead I dropped more. At this point I was actually trying to eat more and put on weight. My parents picked up on it a few days ago, and my dad got extremely angry at me (he has chronic severe anger issues), told me it was my fault etc., and is now monitoring me like a hawk and taking control of what I eat and when. He asks me what I ate all the time, he criticises what I am eating. I feel constantly judged.
This has unfortunately been extremely triggering. Now I can't stop thinking about food, my weight, I panic at the feeling of hunger, I don't eat even when I am hungry. My eating was disordered before but it wasn't this bad. My dad's attempts to help have stripped me of control and actually triggered me to go back to a mental state I avoided so well for so long. Yes I restricted food out of home, but I never felt panicked about it, usually it was just a "Oh I am hungry I will just finish this and then go eat" not a "oh I am hungry this is terrible I better just hold it out and not eat because otherwise I will gain weight"... Essentially my dad has made me hyper-conscious of what I eat, which is the exact thing that I have worked so hard for the past 8 years to get rid of. I am terrified of binge eating disorder, I am terrified of gaining weight. This morning I read the weather was warm, I was afraid to wear shorts, afraid to walk around with a figure I assumed was fat due to being on a forced weight gain diet now. Weighed myself, gained a tiny bit, sure, but still very underweight. If I feel fat at this weight, how will I ever be fine with myself in a higher weight again. I will probably fall into a depression and a panic and overeat.
Anyone in this position right now?

Tryingtoheal
Unfortunately

those things are not allowed on this site. They will be deleted. They are triggering to others. Plus, there is really no need for numbers. I would suggest seeing a medical professional, doctor, therapist, and psychiatrist to help you.

_admin_moderator
Dear Mollydolly432, we would

Dear Mollydolly432, we would like to inform you that we edited your post to remove weight, BMI and height numbers as well as mentions of specific food items, which are not allowed on the forums. You can review our community guidelines here. Thanks for your understanding and please continue to post!  

Mollydolly432
Thank you so much for editing

Thank you so much for editing the post, I appreciate it. I was not aware of the guidelines, I should have read them more thoroughly. I was going to remove the weights and figures now but was pleased to know you guys had already done it. Thank you :)

Mollydolly432
Thank you so much for editing

Thank you so much for editing the post, I appreciate it. I was not aware of the guidelines, I should have read them more thoroughly. I was going to remove the weights and figures now but was pleased to know you guys had already done it. Thank you :)
I edited it roughly to remove the necessity for "X" instead of weights, please review if you can to make sure this is okay. The last thing I want to do is trigger people further than is already inevitable on this forum, as I absolutely know the pain of the disease.

Zaydarecov
Hi! This situation is very

Hi! This situation is very difficult, but I think you can handle it. You must understand that no one is responsible for your life except yourself. In addition, your anorexia is a consequence of your unwillingness to grow up and take responsibility. I recommend you leave your parents as soon as possible and start living independently. Two months ago, I did exactly that. I came to New York with one backpack, and all my other things were brought here https://sekamoving.com/moving/moving-from-nyc-to-austin /. And now I understand how much more conscious and responsible this decision has made me.