National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Betrayal

So, when I saw my e.d. therapist on Friday, I had a huge revelation prior to coming to her office, and we discussed it then, and now, I'm having a lot of difficulty dealing with it. I realized that the main reason I'm clinging to my e.d. is because of my trauma, but for more than I had ever truly realized. I have always felt separate from my body. Well, at least, since I was 12, which is when my trauma started. It's never felt like "mine," even though I blocked out the trauma from my memory until just recently. But now that I know about all that happened to me, I feel betrayed by my body. I feel like it allowed all of those awful things to be done to me, so why in the world would I want to feed and nourish it? I know this doesn't sound very logical, but my therapist said it makes sense. I blame my body for the trauma, so now I'm essentially punishing it by not feeding it. So she asked, what would it take for me to forgive it? Not yet, she said. She knows that will take a while, so she asked me, for now, figure out for what, specifically I blame each various body part. I worked on that yesterday, and boy, did that overwhelm me!! I was on the verge of hysteria, and thankfully my prayer to Jehovah God was answered immediately, for inner peace, calm, and His love. And I still don't want to eat. Anything. I do on occasion, and it feels wrong, like I'm feeding a traitor. I know, of course, that this body does "house" me, and if I don't nourish it, I'll die. It's just so complicated and so overwhelming. Trauma always is. I wish I knew what to do. I'm so depleted and have no desire to do ANYTHING! I know some of this is still part of the one med that my psychiatrist is thankfully weaning me off of, and so much is still from the knowledge of everything that was done to me. I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm at a loss. I want to curl up in a ball and just stop existing.

CASACERA
this is a lot ATK, a lot

I only speak for myself, but if anything I go through helps somebody else, it's so great. I quote Debbie Reynolds often because I was impressed with her Bright Light's doc. with her daughter Carrie, where Debbie, with all her fame and fortune said "life is a fight". Right now I know what I need to help me with my over eating food addiction and it's not there. Now the best I can do, the moment my grazing, eating "spasm" is over is, try to ward off the next "attack". Serenity Prayer. P.S. Mine began at 13 your's at 12, pretty close. CC

Savedbygrace
I can relate

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I went through similar in 2006 when I had my first memory of I c s t, then again in 2016 and in 2018. I felt the same way about my body. Keep me posted on how things go. My ed started when I was 8. I became terrified of males when I was 12.

tryingtobebrave
I relate to this so much.

I relate to this so much. This was one of the biggest things driving my eating disorder. It took a lot of time and work in therapy to be able to forgive my body enough to nourish it. When that specific trauma is triggered, I dissociate to the way I related to my body when I was 11, which like you was what made it feel separate from me. Along with ed behaviors, I punished my body in a multitude of ways for many years. I wish I had more words, but you’re not alone. And for what it’s worth, I’ve made a lot of progress with this. I rarely feel the urge where it’s too strong to fight it. I don’t even feel the urge to punish it often at all. Give yourself time.
I love you.

alwaysthinking
Thank you all. I'm trying.

Thank you all. I'm trying. I'm also trying to tell myself that I, not my body, but I, as in ME, needs food in order to live, so that I can resume doing what I love the most - teaching people about the Bible and Jehovah. I've had to step back and take a break from it, doing only letter writing for my ministry work, which is killing me, emotionally, so I'm trying to remind myself of the much bigger picture, and of what I love more than anything else. I did just finish a snack, so baby steps!!

_admin_moderator
alwaysthinking

Hi alwaysthinking - we’re so sorry to hear you’ve been having a difficult time.You mentioned some concerning feelings, so we wanted to make sure to post information about resources if you need support:

 Please know you are not alone, and take care of yourself.

NEDA is here to support you during the evolving COVID-19 outbreak. The health of our community, especially those who are most vulnerable to the virus' serious complications, remains paramount. To access resources that can provide free and low-cost support, please click here.

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