National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
Terrified and I don't know why

I am barely able to make myself eat, anymore, and when I do, I'm so terrified that I feel even more awful than I did before. I don't understand this, or why this is getting worse. Maybe it's just from this one med that's been affecting me adversely, and thankfully, my psychiatrist is weaning me off it, so in two weeks I'll be done taking it. I just don't know, though. I just know that the very idea of eating ANYTHING scares me beyond belief, and I honestly can't determine why, at all. I no longer "hear" my father's voice in my head, so I know that's not the issue. Eating isn't causing flashbacks, so it's not that, either. Yes, I know, I use the e.d. to cope with my PTSD and depression in many and varied ways, and yet, this just seems totally different from ever before. I'm glad I see my e.d. therapist on Friday, so hopefully, we can figure out this together. I just know it's mind-boggling, and it's getting worse every day. Quite frankly, it scares me, knowing that I am unable to make myself eat. I just don't know what to do.

iwanttolive
dear beautiful one

Hi alwaysthinking. I am so sorry you are so afraid to eat. I know you trust God and love Him. Do you believe in Spiritual warfare? It is when the enemy wars against our souls. One of the ways this is done is to inflict us with fear. Unknown source, using things in our lives such as what you are describing. The enemy knows our weaknesses and can use them against us. When this happens, we must draw near to God, and basically tell the enemy, I call him satan, where to go. To flee in the name of Jesus and to ask God to fill that space with His love. I do not know exactly what you believe but if this is a spiritual matter, it may take some prayer to get free.

If I am off base and you don't believe this, let me know. If you are interested in hearing more, I will share. For me, I know there are times when I need to do this.

I hear your fear through your words and the conundrum you are in as to why the fear is growing. The fear of the fear can be a vicious cycle. Being afraid that you are afraid can make the fear grow.

I just want you to know I am here for you and if what I wrote isn't helpful I can be here in a way that you need. Just let me know. I am sorry for the terror as I see it when you write. Know that you are safe despite your fears. I recently learned an acronym for fear. The usual one is false evidence appearing real. Sheila Walsh has another great one.

F- fall on your face before Him
E- earnestly seek Him
A- ask Him to give you His peace
R- rest in His presence

I really like that one. And another is do it afraid. You really need to embrace this one. You need to eat to live. This is the most difficult aspect of the eating disorder. We need to face our fear daily, multiple times a day, sometimes all day. But God...

I leave you with these thoughts. I love you and am very concerned. Please take care of yourself. You are kind and caring and deserving of being kind to yourself.

iwanttolive

alwaysthinking
Thank you

I appreciate your kind words. I am praying for the strength to get through this and past this, regularly.

CASACERA
hear you ATK

One mini-step at a time, yes? Sometimes it's easier for me to say my need to be "in charge" of what I do, when it's me making the choice. Easier phrase for me than maybe "control". And sometimes asking myself, if someone else came to you with your problem what might you suggest to make that person more comfortable. My goal is that state of peace and comfort however I arrive at it. CC

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