National Eating Disorders Association

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iwanttolive
brutus94

Hello brutus94. I am just checking in because I saw you responded to another's post. How are you? Your daughter? Your family? How are you holding up? I know it is very difficult and I am just wondering how you have been.

As for me, things have been very difficult in my family. My sister is critically ill. She may die, but then we don't know when or if it will be today or next year. It has been very difficult for my parents especially. My father isn't coping very well with all he has had to endure with all his girls. Five in all. Four of us are on disability. As I wrote in a post today, he and my mother have had to deal with their children's spouses and boyfriends abuse, physically, emotional, verbal and sexual assault as well as a grandchild being taken away from their daughter, my sister, when he was two. That is an entire story in and of itself. There is suicide, and violence and on and on. Then dealing with the eating disorder that nearly took my life and the decades they fought to help me overcome it. I still struggle with things, especially as things escalated with my sister, and then my moving in with them about six months ago. My father isn't coping very well and is very shut down emotionally but using some poor coping behaviors that have me concerned. He is angry and doesn't want to admit that he is scared about the possibility that my sister, his daughter may die. The family has not been in communication with another sister/daughter going on six years now, until she realizes she needs help, but then there again, he says he is fine with this and life goes on. He holds very strongly to the fact that he just doesn't need to feel, he just moves on.
I don't know if you as a father would have any perspective on this or if you might give me some ideas in how to support my father as he goes through this. He gets angry with me, tries to control me and when we have discussions he needs to control them or else and he gets very defensive. One confusing thing is that my parent's want me to follow my therapists advice, unless it pertains to them and what goes on in their house where I live, or in the house where I was living with my sister, and will be going back to eventually. It is three houses away from theirs. My Dad owns both and we pay rent to pay the mortgage. I love my Dad and he loves me but he is burnt out. Cooked. Really tired. He is going to be 80 years old in July. Most people think he is in his late 60's. Both my parent's are young for their age.

I hope you don't mind my sharing all of this with you. I just need a father's perspective of having gone and going through serious daughter issues and how I can help my father. Thank you either way. I understand if you are unable to respond.

I hope things with your daughter are a little better. Did she go to college? How is she doing? Take care.

iwanttolive

iwanttolive
hi part 2

Hi. It has been several days since I posted. I wanted to let you know that my mother spoke to my Dad about his use of alcohol and how it isn't normal for him to be using it as much as he has and he agreed and they are working on that together. My Mom didn't say I was concerned but that she was and wanted to let him know.
I decided to move back to my own home three houses away. I was living with them for six months or so and I know he needs his owns space back. He needs his home without me there and I need to be back home. Neither choice is optimal for me but it is time for me to be back in my own place. I chose to move and then tell my parents. My father came home while I was in the process and I told my Mom after I moved my things back to my house. There was no problem and neither one of them were upset with my decision. It is the best thing for my father to have his own house back.

I just wanted to let you know this as you finish reading what I first posted. Thank you for reading this even if you don't have anything to say.

iwanttolive

brutus94
My two cents.....

Our family is a bit stressed with all 3 kids at home (2 in high school and the oldest still home from college). She did not go back to school for spring semester as we are still holding out $$ until she gets the help she needs. The physical demands of the nursing clinicals would just be too much, and we were hoping the life disruption would get her attention. Of course, she is free to spend all her own money to go back to school (I'm not blocking the door), but she choose not to do that on her own. She is (slowly) making some progress toward seeking help, but there are a few hurdles to clear. The residential program she wants to go to (yes, that is HUGE) won't accept her until she is a little more "stable". So right now I am trying to remain patient and supportive.....God help me.

Now, here is my "dad perspective" for you. I only have 3 kids and I am 30 years younger than your dad, and I don't have a lot of the traumatic life-altering problems you described (just one kids with an ED). But I can already feel "fatigue" setting in. It is not just because of the "difficult" kid with ED, it is a combination of MANY things. Parenting is a huge responsibility, one you don't fully understand until you are there. And it involves sacrifice.

Knowing what I know now, I can empathize a bit with an old guy who may be shutting down a bit and just looking for some peace and quite. It's not a lack of love or emotion. It may just be a struggle to manage feelings that nobody really understands. I can tell you that a simple and heartfelt "thanks dad" from my kids goes a long way to repairing a strained relationship!

iwanttolive
brutus94

Brutus94, thank you for responding. I totally agree my father is burnt out. Absolutely. I wish he would get help and I believe he and my mother will start counseling soon, to help especially with my sisters illness and possibly not surviving. Only God knows. I am doing my best to not be a burden. To love him and accept him but it is difficult at times and we all know this. His not communicating affects his marriage as well.

I am glad to hear your daughter is making some progress. Hold onto Hope and know that God has your daughter in His hands.

My Dad has five GIRLS!!! All close in age so at any given point there were up to four teenage girls living at home. Imagine that!!! So he has his house back. I moved back home against the suggestion of my therapist but have the support of both my parents for this move. I will probably be going to a day program for trauma this week so will have the extra support for moving back home.

I will say a prayer for you this morning and when you come to mind. Thanks again for your thoughts. You are spot on.

brutus94
You are very kind, thanks for

You are very kind, thanks for the prayers. I dont have much experience with alcohol abuse, but its good you are encouraging him to get help. I get some seasonal depression in the winter, and exercise is key for me. If your dad is still active, something as simple as going for a nice walk everyday coyld be a huge help. That is like a date night for me and my wife.

Take care!

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