National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
I can't believe I didn't figure it out

So recently, I have been totally obsessing over a couple of different situations. And it has been driving me completely insane. It has been robbing me of any Joy and disturbing my sleep and making relationships very difficult. One is a situation within my congregation, and the other is the recent debacle at the ER. I have been obsessing, ruminating, and just non stop thinking about both of these situations despite praying about them both and begging for peace. I haven't been able to understand why I can't let them go and just get past this. I felt like I was doing something wrong and that I wasn't being forgiving or understanding and that I was harboring a grudge and being resentful. I was really beating myself up about this and just being all over miserable. Thankfully, I finally got a call from the Personnel director of the ER today and got to talk about the way the situation was handled in the ER over the weekend. Even so, I still felt very disturbed and I was still obsessing about it. I just couldn't understand why this was still bothering me so much. This is not like me. Ordinarily, once a situation is over and done with, I'm able to say, yeah that was pretty stinky and I don't like the way it was handled but it's done. I'm not going to let it bother me anymore. But I have. I've let it ruin the past 5 days. And I've let the situation in the congregation totally get out of hand and just completely destroy my peace. I've been praying about that continually and doing tons of research Through the Bible to try to get some insight and understanding to try to deal with it better. I have reached out to Elders in my congregation also and hope to talk to them soon to get some counsel on it as well. Even though I've done all of the work and have done everything that I possibly can, I still have not felt at peace. So I prayed about it yet again and finally got some insight. It is the same Insight that I got when I was praying about trying to understand why I continue to fall back to the eating disorder. Initially, my eating disorder was directly caused by my trauma. It has changed, however, and I discovered the other day that I am now using the eating disorder to help me deal with the trauma and even as a way not to have to cope with the trauma. It's like if I obsess over food and Body Image issues and things like that, it gives my brain less time to dwell on the past and possibly dissociate and then have a flashback. And then I realized today that I was doing the same thing with these two other issues. Because when I was consistently and constantly ruminating and obsessively thinking about these two situations, there was no room for me to dwell on the past. I had no opportunity to think about my trauma history or to worry about what my parents have done to me. And wouldn't you know it, once I came to that realization and decided to let it all go and completely forgive and completely put it in the past (the two current situations) as I was laying down and praying, I dissociated and had a flashback. It's insane. I can't believe the way my brain works. I know it was trying to protect me but I really wish it would have found a better way of doing it. Because I was miserable. Unfortunately, prior to having that flashback, I had already decided I did not feel like having supper. Nothing is appealing right now. I've done 100% for all of my meals so far today but once I surrendered all of my resentment and truly forgave in those two situations, the eating disorder reared its ugly head again and I just have no desire to eat. It doesn't help that I'm seeing my primary care doctor tomorrow either and I know I'll be getting weighed. I know that I might get lab work that has to be fasting so part of my brain is saying hey, might as well start fasting now! I'd really like to have a good talking to with my brain. It's not very nice sometimes!

Alexo_eats
Hello

Ed seems like he is being a big pain in the butt. I hope your authentic self is able to take over. I don't think fasting before it is necessary is a good idea, it sounds a little like a slippery slope. Let me know how I can help support you. Sending you love and support.

Alexo

tryingtobebrave
Eating disorders are so

Eating disorders are so sneaky! They can be serving a purpose or sneak back in without you even realizing it for a while. I am glad that you were able to find peace with the other situations, and I am sorry that the eating disorder part of your brain is causing so much struggle right now. You’re very right about our brains having a myriad of ways to protect us- I believe my eating disorder formed when I was a child as a means to cope with my situation. Now, along with my addiction, it’s there to help me cope with the aftermath of it. It’s not needed for survival anymore but it seems our brains didn’t get the memo. I’m here for you.