National Eating Disorders Association

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alwaysthinking
It's starting again

So, I feel like an idiot. Yes I realize that's a judgment and I do this to myself all the time anyway so it's no different than anything else that I'm always doing in my head, but I awoke this morning and felt like eating a decent meal. I wanted to eat according to my meal plan. Problem was, I had no milk. So I needed to go to the store to get some. So I did and when I was in the store, I started getting a lot of those old symptoms that I've had before prior to needing inpatient hospitalizations. I was having some lightheadedness and dizziness and what I call fuzzy head. And for some reason, or like I said, because I'm an idiot, once I got home, I no longer felt like eating. But because I was so light-headed I did eat something salty because I could tell that my body definitely needed some sodium. And I also took laxatives. Which I know is completely defeating the purpose. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not at the same point that I've been prior to other inpatient hospitalizations, because at those point in times, I initiated the process of getting hospitalized, because I knew I needed it and I wanted it for my health. Now, I really don't care. Which is a little scary. And at the same time isn't. At least now, I have an eating disorder therapist which I never had before, so if she thinks it's bad enough, if I can't do it myself I know she will put me in the hospital. Because I know she's trying to get me into PHP and just can't get a decent response from anybody there. Because I know without a doubt that I need PHP. But now that I'm starting to have physical issues and also since I'm eating less and less every day, I have a feeling I'm going to need inpatient soon. But I don't want it. I'm so depressed though. I don't want anything. I'm so tired.

iwanttolive
alwaysthinking

Hello there. I want to respond to your post by saying I am sorry this eating disorder has taken a hold of you as it has. If you feel you need inpatient can't you talk to your ED therapist about it and not wait until a serious crisis? You are already having physical symptoms and eating disorders do and can cause death. Please take care of yourself and if you can not eat, get the help so that you don't wind up dying or becoming seriously ill. From experience, there is so much more out there and there can be freedom. Hang in there and know I am praying for you. I hate to see you suffer so much and then you give out so much to others.
Does that help you, to be on the forum and responding to others or do you think taking a few days away from focusing on the disorder might be helpful? Just a thought. I care a lot for you and really hope you get help. More than you are getting. Hugs to you my friend.

Alexo_eats
I agree with iwanttolive

Please get help! It would be awful it you caused permanent/life threatening damage to your body. If you can't take care of yourself, then let a professional take care of you, that is why they are there. I hope your therapist is able to help you get into to PHP or even inpatient. I think it would on benefit you. Sending you strength and love.

_admin_moderator
alwaysthinking

Dear alwaysthinking – we are so sorry to hear you’re struggling with these difficult feelings right now. Since you mentioned some concerning feelings, we wanted to make sure you have access to resources if you need to reach out for support:

 You also mentioned some concerning symptoms in your post for which you may want to seek medical attention. The following are just some of the signs of a serious problem that demands immediate medical attention: •accidentally or deliberately caused themselves a physical injury •become suicidal •confused thinking and is not making any sense •delusions (false beliefs) or hallucinations (experiencing things that aren’t there) •disoriented; doesn’t know what day it is, where they are or who they are •vomiting several times a day or has uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea •experiencing dizziness or fainting spells •too weak to walk or collapses •painful muscle spasms •complaining of chest pain or having trouble breathing •blood in their bowel movements, urine or vomit •a body mass index (BMI) of less than 16 •an irregular heartbeat, and fast heartbeat, or very low heart beat (less than 50 beats per minute) •cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature or has a body temperature of less than 35 degrees Celsius/95 degrees Fahrenheit. If you experience any of the above, we highly recommend that you seek medical attention as soon as possible. Another option is 911. Please continue posting. Take care, and know that you are not alone.

NEDA is here to support you during the evolving COVID-19 outbreak. The health of our community, especially those who are most vulnerable to the virus' serious complications, remains paramount. To access resources that can provide free and low-cost support, please click here.

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