National Eating Disorders Association

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sofsofs
Feeling defeated (anorexia - bp)

I don't know why I am writing this.. I'm not even a US citizen lol I guess I just needed to write somewhere safe..
I've been struggling with anorexia for like 7 years almost.. it took me around 2 to reach rock bottom and since then I've been trying to recover. I managed to gain some weight but definitely not enough to even get close to the "ideal" bmi (alhough I was always below average even when I was "normal").
In any case, while it's taking me a long time to gain back the weight, I was always "proud" to never have purged, even when I binged. However that has recently changed and I'm noticing a pattern and I am becoming worried... I don't want this to become a habbit and I don't know what to do... Just that I need to act fast.. maybe start a calendar where I put some crosses in the days I managed not to purge? What has helped to others in this situation?

I am feeling so defeated, so ashamed, so tired of this life, so sick of feeling repulsive and hating myself... and regretting losing the best years of my life and I am the only one to blame...
I know tomorrow I will restrict and weight myself in the morning and feel disgusted at the number whatever it shows because no matter what, I am never worth for me to be kind to myself if that even makes sense..

Rebecca53
hello friend! I know how you

hello friend! I know how you are feeling right now. I haven't been struggling for quite as long as you, but still long enough to know that anorexia sucks. It is beatable, though. And it is not your fault for what you've been through. This disorder will make you a stronger person even if you can't tell right now. You have no reason to be ashamed of yourself. you are beautiful and strong and courageous and can overcome absolutely anything you set your mind to. I wish the best for you, good luck. I hope you know you're not alone.

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